Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Savvy February 2022

Plus one dilemma

Ashlie, on January 21, 2022 at 5:27 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 13

Saved

Flag
Hide content

Some back story, my wedding was originally set for 3/20/2020, the same week Texas shut down because of covid. I had asked leading up to it about allowing my mom a plus one even though never asked me but assumed she was owed it even though I never extended the offer myself to her then boyfriend. I was hesitant about how him going because I didn’t expect them to last after the wedding. I didn’t want him in my photos, or to have his negative energy around my guests. We still got married but at my in-laws house. He still showed up, and now he’s in wedding photos I never wanted him. And yes, they did break up a month later. I did end up telling my mom that I wasn’t too happy that he’d gone, especially after she told me he threatened her by not going that day to begin with and it was a whole ordeal. So if you can imagine I had a sour faced 40+ year old in pictures I can never have replaced.

She never mentioned again about having a wedding date. I never heard that she was seeing anyone until thanksgiving 2021. She brings this guy I’ve never met, let alone heard about, to my grandma’s house and not even a few hours in he’s joking about hoping he can still fit into a suit for my wedding that’s coming up…I keep my mouth shut because it’s the holidays and I don’t want to upset anyone. But without any prior discussion with me, I of course do not want him to attend.
Now we’re here, after two Covid postponements later, my wedding is happening on 2/11. We’re excited to finally be able to celebrate with everyone and close this chapter for bigger things (we’re wanting to start our family and be done with planning this). We’re trying to get our final headcount to the venue and I’m ask mom questions about my sisters outfit (she’s the flower girl), and what their entrees are going to be. Towards the end I asked, am I planning for just them. She replied saying she wanted a plus one please. I asked if it was going to be the guy from thanksgiving, and it’s not. I haven’t replied to her yet and I’m at a loss of what to do. I feel like I have to give her this because of her history of not asking me first before telling the guy she’s seeing he’s invited. What do I do?

Flag
Hide content

13 Comments

Latest activity by Ashley, on February 15, 2022 at 7:17 AM

Expert March 2022
devotedlydavis · on January 21, 2022 at 6:00 AM
Flag

Hide content
I would give her the plus one, but make sure she knows he is not to be in any group pictures. I would think most should know that, but maybe not. If you are giving plus ones to other guests, I don’t see how you don’t give it to her.
- Reply
Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on January 21, 2022 at 7:42 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Totally agree! Give your photo list to your photographer. Be sure to take most photos first without him it them. Then you can take a few throw away pics with your mom & her +1. It won’t hurt to take a few with whomever she brings but after you get family.
- Reply
Master October 2023
Cece · on January 21, 2022 at 7:49 AM
Flag

Hide content
I would give her the plus one. But I would make it very clear to her that he is not to be in any photos. If you haven’t already, I would be very upfront and honest with her about your unhappiness that her previous boyfriend is forever in your wedding photos, and you do not want a repeat of that in these photos. I would also make it clear to her that it is her responsibility to explain that to this gentleman prior to attending your wedding, so that there are no awkward moments for you the day of (ie, this random guy hopping into your pictures and you being put on the spot to tell him he is not included).
- Reply
VIP May 2022
Jasmine S. · on January 21, 2022 at 8:07 AM
Flag

Hide content
I agree with the others: invite, but no photos. Unfortunately parents are kind of like the wedding party, they get to bring their significant other (unless that person would pose a danger to other guests, which doesn't seem like the case here).
- Reply
Savvy February 2022
Ashlie · on January 21, 2022 at 9:24 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
He’s not a threat/danger to the other guests. I just feel extremely disrespected by her. We already don’t have a great relationship, but with my dad he let me approach him asking if he wanted to being his girlfriend. Idk. There’s just a lot of emotions behind this for me so I appreciate everyone’s feedback on this.
- Reply
VIP June 2019
Hanna · on January 21, 2022 at 9:57 AM
Flag

Hide content
I agree with the PPs. Invite him, but don't include him in the posed/formal photos. Or just do a couple of shots with him included as "throwaway" photos if you feel like it. We did this with my sister's boyfriend (majority of photos without him and only a couple of photos with him). They have since broken up so we are grateful that he is not in most of the photos!
- Reply
Devoted February 2023
Elycia · on January 21, 2022 at 10:26 AM
Flag

Hide content
I think giving a plus one is a nice gesture but theres no reason he needs to be included in photos. My now husband and I were together less than a year when my brother got married and one of my other brothers had a gf as well. They were in 1 or 2 group photos and then the photographer gifted us a couples portrait. My brother and his gf broke up, but its no big deal because there are 25 other photos without her. Definitely make sure your photographer has a list of people and do not include him in more than a handful.
Also, for your current photos. A talented photographer or graphic designer will be able to photoshop them out naturally. I would even request that your mom pay for it since she is the one who insisted on him being there.
- Reply
Savvy February 2022
Ashlie · on January 23, 2022 at 8:26 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Not sure if y’all were interested in an update..

So I agreed to her letting this guy go, I asked that she let me know by Monday (we’re finalizing the guest list) if he’s going and what entree. I also mentioned my expectations for photos and seating during there ceremony. All I got back was “ok”.
So part of me feels like she’s just going to ignore my expectations day of and be in this guys butt the whole day, and act like she’s running the show when she hasn’t been apart of any of it. OR, she’s not taking him and instead of someone else we didn’t discuss.
- Reply
Super May 2022
Samantha · on January 24, 2022 at 9:22 AM
Flag

Hide content
She was serious enough with someone on Thanksgiving to bring this dude to your family holiday, and is already serious enough with someone else to bring them to your wedding? Wow lol
- Reply
Dedicated September 2021
JW · on January 24, 2022 at 1:10 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

A quick skim of the PPs and it looks like the question of whether, or if, this guy will be named in your program (if you're having one) is still up for consideration. Just be overly clear (repetitive, if necessary) with your mom about what aspects you will and won't include him in. Loop in a relative who can wrangle your mom on site, if need be, and make sure that person is nearby and has the confidence to discreetly pull him from any photos on your behalf. I recommend an uncle, or male cousin, perhaps.

FWIW, I wouldn't have given the +1, and if it's any reassurance, I did not give a +1 to my mom. She had not asked or brought her guy to any other family functions to date, so I told her I was following her lead and, since it seemed she didn't think they were serious enough to attend past family gatherings together, I wasn't willing to let my wedding be his introduction to the world. However, I did make sure my brother was her escort during the seating of the mothers, and I strategically placed my hubs' single and fun grandmother at the parents' table so mom wasn't the only single person at the table.
- Reply
Savvy February 2022
Ashlie · on February 13, 2022 at 1:50 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
He ended up being a no show anyways!!
- Reply
Champion December 2022
Michelle · on February 13, 2022 at 2:58 PM
Flag

Hide content
I would not extend a plus one. He’s not remotely her significant other, which would be an automatic invite, because they have not been together long enough (3-4 months minimum). He’s more akin to the fickleness of a Tinder date who may or may not be around the next month. Either way, the photographer needs to know exactly who is and is not to be included in group photos, especially if there is anyone you don’t want filmed.
- Reply

Dedicated April 2023
Ashley · on February 15, 2022 at 7:17 AM
Flag

Hide content
The fact you have her ex in the photos and you didn't want him in them , just for that I wouldn't allow mom to bring her boyfriend of the year!
And also because he’s not remotely her significant other.
Or if you extend the invite because you still want to give her one, to keep the peace or you think she won't attend if she doesn't get it, let mom know you DON'T want him in the photos and it's not up for debate since you're still upset about of her ex being in the 2020 pics.
- Reply