Planning to elope but FMIL wants to be there

I'm sorry for your loss. You are in a tough spot. It's not your fault that your future mother-in-law broke her leg, but that being said, she is your future husband's mother and you will have to live with her for a long time. Generosity goes a long way in these situations. (Unless FH always puts his mother's wishes above yours. Then you have a bigger problem.) It's worrying to me that your FH can't see how you might want some women from your family to support you on your wedding day, but maybe you just need to explain that to him. He's saying it should be even in terms of the level of family invited, but you could argue that it should be even in terms of the number of guests (he has twice as many). Not that I am advising arguing. I'd probably ask him to talk to me more about why he wants to invite his family, and also explain that how close you are to someone isn't always indicated by the family tree.

I think you and FH have to decide whether or not you're eloping, cause what you're planning right now is an awkward something in between. If you're eloping, it's just you and him and Two Random Strangers for witnesses. If you're not, then you invite his mom, your extended family, etc. and it's a wedding. For my money, I'd elope, but as other's have said, your FMIL will be your family for a long time, and a little kindness to her could go a long way. Consider if the situations were reversed and it was *your* beloved mom who wanted to see *your* wedding.

Sorry, I know-- no definitive answer, here.

I think you need to talk to your FH. If people are going to be present you should have people there that you feel close to and that has nothing to do with a family tree. We had a situation similar to your. My FH wanted to elope but I couldn't imagine denying my mom the opportunity to see her only child get married.

So we decided on a ceremony with only those close to us. He suggested instead of saying who can and can not be there we cap the ceremony guest list at 20 including us. Then we each got to invite who we wanted and were close to. He invited his parents and his sister and her family. Totaling 6. I invited 12. My parents, my godparents, my half-sister and her family, and my half-brother and his family. We are still having a reception for everyone once we get back form our honeymoon and get settled into married life. This is just what worked for us. And I know you guys will figure out something that will work for you all. Good luck!

Many couples have elopement-style weddings with a few family members present, so don't feel pressured to conform to any set of prescribed rules about what crosses the line from "elopement" to "wedding." They're all weddings if you're hitched by the time it's over!

However, it does seem like and your fiance need to come to an agreement about the size and type of wedding that you want. The waters are getting muddied because you're kindly trying to accommodate the wishes of other family members. The frustrating thing is that probably the reason you wanted to elope in the first place was to avoid that very thing.

You clearly want to elope and your needs count as much as your Sweetie's and certainly more than his Mom's! (She'll get over it if you elope--trust me.) The choice is yours, but I can honestly say I've never married anyone that regretted eloping. You can always restate your vows before your family and friends at the party.

This happened to us. We had our whole elopement planned and his mother ended up practically crying saying she wanted to see us get married. So I stupidly folded and things aren't going my way anymore! Wish I had just eloped. It's cheaper, more romantic, and drama free!

I would really sit down with your fiance and talk about every way you could plan your wedding and decide on the best one for you two! Not everyone else. It's your day, you should be happy about it, whatever you choose! Good luck!

WOW, this is a very hard situation to be in. There's good pints on both your sides. To start (and these are only my opinions) if you and FH had already decided on eloping, I don't think that anything should change both your minds. But if you guys were eloping JUST because *You* couldn't have your beloved mother (may she RIP) with you, it wouldn't be fair for *HIM* (fh) and it seems as he always did want his mother there, otherwise he wouldn’t be asking, and he'd simply tell his mother "Sorry mom, but we decided to elope and that's how its going to be, if you came along it wouldn’t be fair for the rest of the families" but with him working trying to work at it, sounds as he always in some way wanted his mother or fam there with him. Now, if you decided to invite a few family members *HE* can also be fair with you (knowing you don't have your mom with you) and be OK with you inviting at least 1or2 of your Aunts to represent your mother THAT would be fair, and both leave your bros out? GL

So I really think you both should talk about it, and you tell him as much as you want your mother there I want my Aunts there for me, you do understand that i lost the closest person to me in my life right? MY MOTHER!! (not exactly like that, but make him see the reasons you want your aunts there) you don't want them there to NOT BE FAIR or UNEVEN... its just something you both will have to agree on... You ether elope just to 2 of you, or his mother and father, and your father and your aunts come! lol

Let us know how it goes!

I think it is great that you are respecting your MIL's wishes, but not sure I understand the conflict. Since when does the guest list have to be even?? Invite who you want to be there. Who means the most to you? That is who should be present to witness your marriage.

Start with a list of your MIP (Most Important People), then you and FH can work it out who can be invited.

My husband and I just wanted to do the JOP thing, but when our venue threw in free setup for 25-30 guests for an outdoor ceremony, we decided to have our closest relatives only. Some relatives did show up to the ceremony that were only technically invited to the reception afterwards, but we were happy they wanted to be there.

This is all really thoughtful advice. Thank you so much ladies. I think we (me and FH) need to really discuss what is important to *us* in terms of the act of getting married and how and with whom to celebrate that union. I know there's a compromise of some kind to be had, just haven't figured out what that looks like-yet. Will let you know how it shakes out. Thanks again!

Two years ago, my FBIL married his wife in Hawaii, and they invited no family to come with them. Therefore when it came to planning our wedding, I felt some pressure to include family in our DW plans... I think his parents are still mildly annoyed about not being included, and FMIL keeps saying she's never been to Hawaii and would've liked to have gone... Fortunately FH's parents are open to whatever he and I want to do. I got more pushback on our Vegas plans from my parents. I've told them they are welcome to come, and if not, they can watch it live online since all of the chapels stream their ceremonies.

Personally I would stick to just the two of you OR include his immediate family AND your aunts. I don't think it's fair to include the family he's close to and not the family that you are close to, you know?