Planning a wedding without your best friend

My best friend and I drifted in college and when I told her I wanted to work on being closer again, she basically said we'd outgrown each other. It's not new anymore, and we're casual friends now. But now I'm at the part where I have to pick a MOH and bridesmaids. And I have a ton of friends and many bridesmaids I plan to ask, and it isn't like I'm alone. But I do really miss having a best friend. I've picked a MOH and will ask her soon. She's a wonderful friend I’ve known for years and gotten closer to recently, and she'll do well and I love her to death - but she isn't my best friend. Two other girls who are very close friends of mine will hopefully say yes to being bridesmaids as well, but I feel I can't pick either of them for my MOH even though we are very close, because they won't be in the country until at most a week before the wedding, and then they’d miss all the pre-wedding festivities I’ve always felt you share with your MOH.

I can’t seem to feel 100% settled on any MOH I really want to pick because I want to pick my best friend and I no longer have one. It hurts and it’s a dumb thing to stress over, I know, but it does cause a little ache in me.

I just hoped someone out there would understand. Thanks for reading.

I wouldn't stress about having a maid of honor. I would cherish the friendships that you do have and be excited to celebrate with the girls that you do have. You do not need to have a maid of honor.

I also lost my best friend right after getting engaged. I get that it's a really hard time to not have who you considered to be your closest friend. I asked my brother to be my dude of honor since I didn't want to "replace" her with another friend. But in terms of expecting your wedding party to do things, the only thing they need to do is buy the dress you choose and stand for you. No other requirements or requests you should make of them.

H only wanted to have a MOH and Best Man for our bridal party. Sounds simple, but I was really torn on who to ask. I ended up not asking the person I thought I would, because she had a baby a few months before I got engaged and was too busy to even ask me any questions about my engagement. She lives across the country from me so I knew if she couldn't even text/call when I got engaged, no way would she be available to listen to me stress or answer questions about anything. Which is totally fine! But I also knew one of my other close friends, who happened to work with me, would hear about the wedding ALL THE TIME by virtue of proximity, so I ended up asking her, since I wanted to honor the role I knew she would end up playing.

It's tricky. Of course your bridal party isn't expected to do a ton of stuff, but of course you want your nearest and dearest to enjoy your engagement with you and help you make decisions about stuff!

I think what's bother you isn't really something wedding related at all, it's just that your best friend isn't your best friend anymore and wanting to choose a MOH is a reminder of it. The situation sucks, and it's completely reasonable to be sad about it.

My best friend and I aren't that close, anymore. It doesn't bother me, I've learned people grow apart and that's okay. But don't force the friendship, if she no longer wants to be close. I asked my friend to be a bridesmaid and she accepted it. But, I don't expect her to plan with me, I've been doing that on my own. I just want her to be there the day I get married!

There is no law saying you have to have a moh.. And to answer your question planning without your best friend stinks

A long time friend of 25 years and her family are completely and utterly against my relationship with FW because she's a woman. It's been really painful to loose her, though we are still friends, it will never be the same. She just went through cancer treatment so I have checked in on her for that but I really struggle with the whole thing and it hurts. The kicker is FW and I just bought a house an 10 minute walk away from hers and she doesn't know. Why would I tell her? It's hard not to have her as a part of my wedding but I am not even sending her and her parents an invite. I don't need their attitude in my home or at my wedding. So I do understand how much we miss our friends we used to be close with.

Sarah Katreen, I'm so sorry that happened. I just don't understand what goes on with some people.

I wouldn’t dwell on it. You have three nice girlfriends to ask to be BMs and even though none of them feel like your best friend, I’m sure they’d be delighted and honored to stand up there with you. They don’t need to be there a week early for pre-wedding activities. Also, if it makes you feel any better, you’re not alone in not having a best friend. When H and I first got serious, my “best friend” tried to break us up twice and once again after we were engaged. Of course, I dropped her as a best friend and limited our interactions after the first incident (we had an international trip booked for six months later so I couldn’t completely drop her at first). The maid of honor in my wedding was my only friend who supported my quick courtship with H so I considered her my “best friend.” I moved across the world and she recently told me her boyfriend of a year is a coke dealer, told her she was fat, said he didn’t love her or want to be with her. I told her she needed to move out and get away from him. She told me she’s stuck in a lease with him and he apologized and now the woman who stood up in my wedding for me three months ago is no longer speaking to me. None of my new friends here I feel close enough to consider my “best.” So I don’t think you’re alone in that regard. I think you should try to focus on the close girlfriends you have now and not focus on the girl who used to be your best friend. Some friendships drift apart and there’s nothing wrong with that. All you can do is focus on the present and who’s around you today and how can you be fully present in those friendships. It’s hard sometimes, especially as an adult, to start and develop new friendships. But you’ll be okay!

Friendships come and go. It's a loss, which feels sad, but in reality losing friendships like that can free up places for new people and relationships.

Many years ago I was engaged, and out of the girls I had picked for my BMs only my sister is still around because, well, she's my sister and I love her to pieces. I'm much closer with my current friends than I ever was with those girls, and while I appreciate the time I spent with them and still occasionally chat with one of them, I don't feel like I need to resurrect any of those friendships. People change and grow, and relationships change with them.

I understand. My best friend and I parted ways 3 years ago, and it's still rough. I paid for a lot of her first wedding, and many other things. FH pointed out that she was using me. Not to mention I found out that she had started a bunch of nasty false rumors about me- admitted it was her. She was mad at me for moving across the country to be with FH. She was planning her second wedding, asked me to be MOH, I agreed, then found out a bunch of other things. I told her I had to step down, but I supported her. That was the straw on the camels back. My parents hated her, so they were happy, but it still sucks now that I'm planning mine. I always envisioned her as my MOH. I do have a newer best friend that is my MOH, and I've known her for 3ish years. The relationship is just different. Oddly enough, it's partly different because she's not using me to pay for things, and she conscious about financial decisions lol.

It will get better. I promise.

We only did a MOH and BM because FH doesn't have many close friends and I lost my best friend about a year and a half ago. I have not been able to get close to like that with anyone since. She lied to me and wasn't a loyal friend. Do you have any siblings or cousins you are close to? My mom is my bestie now and she is walking me down the aisle.

Thanks so much for your words, everyone! I have a lot of feelings right now and I think my already-emotional state is exaggerating my upset feelings deep down about losing my best friend a couple years back. I am super thankful for the girls who are around me now. I think I just always figured I’d have a specific bestie to plan and giggle and shop for wedding stuff with, so there’s an ache there now that I’ve realized I miss that part of what I thought I’d have. It’s okay! And I’ll be fine, like you’re all saying. It’s just sad to me. I always envisioned this part of planning much differently. The girl I’m planning on asking to be my MOH is the one I fangirl about my wedding over and ask some questions, and she’s the only bridesmaid who lives in my town. I know it’s apparently an unpopular opinion on here to think my bridesmaids and especially MOH should be involved in my wedding beforehand and not just the day-of, but I want more than them to just buy a dress and show up; where I’m from and from all I’ve heard, your MOH is expected to be very involved. My friends would also want to be involved. Maybe it’s a small-town thing, or just the circles I travel in. Not sure.

I have a friend I've been super close with for a very long time. Every year she does something amazing for my birthday. She's always been there for me. I always thought she'd be MOH.

She had a baby last year. We've drifted apart since. I've tried to make plans to see her, she flakes out on me. I've seen her a handful of times since her daughter was born.

When I got engaged she didn't acknowledge it. I haven't seen her since September, barely talk to her much anymore. However she Invited me to her daughter's birthday this past Sunday. I attended, and took my son. I had never felt so awkward around her as I did then. It really put into perspective how we've drifted apart. She asked about the wedding, but seemed to have an attitude about it, I gave a short answer saying we set the date. No other info mentioned. (Nothing is even on FB, no wedding is discussed on FB) I knew no one else at the party, so I was by myself. After an an hour and a half I decided to head home with my son. I texted her to get together, no reply.

I'm slowly coming to terms that our friendship isn't what it was. It's sad, but as PP said, people grow apart.

I’m not coming up with stupid things for her to be part of. I’m only talking about the coffee dates to chat and look at some details. I don’t expect her to throw me a shower at all, but ideally your MOH is supposed to attend at least some of them and write down what came from who, for example, and just kind of be there for you during engagement in general, to be excited and supportive with you. I’ve also never really heard of the MOH or at least the bridesmaids not throwing the bachelorette party. I’m not a party person and neither are any of my bridesmaids, so it could be so simple (movies and hot tea in the living room or something) but I have always looked forward to the experiences with my bridesmaids and MOH all my life.

It’s not like I’m expecting her life to stop for me and my wedding plans, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect her to be a little bit invested as my MOH - that’s kind of the point. I certainly would be invested if it were me as someone’s MOH. I can’t see any of my friends not wanting to be involved if they were MOH.

I’m so sorry for all you other brides out there who are walking this exciting and happy without your best friends to share it, also. It’s difficult and I don’t think it’s easy to explain exactly how it hurts. But I’m glad we at least have other solid friendships with encouraging and kind women. Kindness is such a lost art. Congratulations to you all.

"Choose people who choose you. " If she doesn't really want to try to be in your life, there's your answer. sucks but its better to surround yourself with the people that WANT to be there.

Thanks for the feedback, y’all! I got to talk to FH about it tonight because he’s visiting my family and me this weekend, and it helped a lot. He’s always incredibly encouraging and he’s seen how difficult it’s been for me to lose my best friend, and how hard it’s been for me to not feel like I have one anymore at all. He reminded me that I’m not alone because I do have a lot of sweet friendships, that there’s nothing wrong with me because my best friend situation just didn’t work out that way, that my feelings are valid and not stupid (something I struggle with), and that no matter what else happens, we’ll be married at the end of that day. I’m so thankful for a guy who can make me feel like it’s okay and valid and not stupid to be upset, and who at the same time can remind me that I’m okay and we’re okay and it’s going to be fine and I shouldn’t worry about it. It can be hard to do both but I’m glad he’s skilled at doing so.

Thank you all! I feel much better now.

I definitely understand what u are going thru. My best friend and I got into an argument a couple months before my engagement and we didn't make up before I chose my maid of honor. We have recently started talking again but I don't think we r back to that same friendship and I don't want to tell my current moh that she could get replaced. My best friend understands tho and she doesn't want to b in the wedding party anyway due to get kids.