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LLLL123122
Just Said Yes October 2022

Planning a wedding with a narcissistic mom - help!

LLLL123122, on June 8, 2022 at 12:53 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 13
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Does anyone have advice planning a wedding with a narcissistic mom?

She has made the process pretty unbearable. This looks like not wanting to include my fiancé's family in the planning process for the wedding but wanting to be overbearing about the rehearsal. Also being overly controlling about the guest list so that my fiancé's family doesn't overweigh the guests my parents are inviting.

She has told me I chose the wrong wedding dress, because it wasn't the one she wanted me in. She told me that because I picked my wedding dress, she gets to pick my rehearsal dress. She told me that if not all guests (aka their friends) are invited to our rehearsal dinner, she would host her own for them. She's told me in the heat of an argument that its her wedding and has reiterated that time and time again. She's threatened pulling the wedding completely, told me I shouldn't come to my own wedding, told me my fiancé's parents are rude, weird, inconsiderate, etc when they didn't do anything to her. When my fiancé's parents hosted an engagement party for us, all she could do afterwards was point out everything wrong with it, including my outfit choice. She gave me a pretty strict budget and keeps telling me that she's sorry she can't give me the wedding of my dreams like all my friends have (even though 1) she could and 2) I've never complained about the budget or asked for a grander wedding.)

The list goes on! And it's been stressful, it's been manageable since this is the mom I've had my whole life, just seemingly so much worse now that I'm getting married. However, I am starting to get really worried that she will sabotage and ruin my actual wedding on my actual wedding day and am wondering if I'm walking straight into something where it may be best for my fiancé and I to walk away from our wedding and just elope.

13 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on June 27, 2022 at 7:04 PM
  • Sloane
    Rockstar May 2022
    Sloane ·
    • Flag
    Oh dear! You know what first of all I’m so sorry for all of this and honestly I would probably choose to elope and have a destination wedding with a few close friends or just elope with your fiancé and throw your own party and send her an invite. That’s just so disheartening.
    • Reply
  • Imani
    Rockstar July 2022
    Imani ·
    • Flag
    😳😳 WOW! I always get shocked when I hear stories like this because I just don’t understand how people think your wedding is theirs. From your post, it seems like she’s the one that’s paying for the wedding? I assume that is why she feels as though she’s entitled to say and do what she wants because she’s paying. However, it doesn’t give her the right - you’re her daughter and you’d think she would be paying out the kindness of her heart and not because she wants to be in charge. That isn’t right for her to do that to you. I’d recommend having a conversation with her and letting her know how you feel about everything. Because your fiancé parents should be at the wedding. Do you think talking to her will help?
    • Reply
  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
    • Flag

    It does sound like the best thing you can do is return/decline her money and plan a wedding that you and your future spouse can afford together. That is the only way you will get to make all of the decisions without interference.

    And since, as you say, this is the mom you've had all your life, you already know you can't change her, you need to change your behavior and set up boundaries to protect yourself. If you need help with those boundaries, I highly recommend therapy. Therapy, of course, isn't a quick fix, so you will still need to make the decision right now to remove her from the wedding planning process. You can do this!

    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar August 2021
    Michelle ·
    • Flag

    The free wedding your mother is planning has nothing to do with you or your fiance. Return the money and plan a wedding or elopement you two can afford with your commitment in mind. Now is the time to make boundaries to protect your spouse and yourself. Her narcissism won't stop once you're out of the home.

    • Reply
  • Jacks
    Champion November 2054
    Jacks ·
    • Flag

    Oh dear. Well the advice I would give is to decline her money and plan the wedding that you want. Money comes with strings attached, as you can see here.

    I too would establish boundaries. You can only do that though if you're not financially dependent on her.

    • Reply
  • Grace
    Super February 2022
    Grace ·
    • Flag
    Yikes! Sounds like you clearly recognize what is going on. I would reccomend eloping or refusing her money and figuring out what type of wedding you can hold with just you and you FH paying. I also be worried about her ruining your wedding if you stay the course with your current plans.
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Devoted February 2023
    Kristen ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    This 100%, totally agree
    • Reply
  • Cece
    Rockstar November 2022
    Cece ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    THIS. Your mother’s funds obviously come with strings attached. She wants to plan the wedding of her dreams, and doesn’t seem to care at all about giving you the wedding you actually want. I would highly suggest declining any financial assistance from her, and instead plan an elopement or a wedding you and FH can afford yourselves. Continuing on the current path is only going to lead to a miserable experience for you, and will likely ruin this once in a lifetime event.
    • Reply
  • Shannon
    Expert July 2022
    Shannon Online ·
    • Flag
    To echo everyone else, you need to take control and pay for your own wedding that you and your fiancé can afford. Your mother is holding this over your head and acting like an infant. She needs a reality check.

    We are paying for ours and didn’t accept help
    From anyone.We are having a smaller wedding including 50 people and doing everything our way. It’s going to be simple, yet elegant and romantic.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Agree with this. Unfortunately narcissistic people aren’t open to any views other than their own. Limit contact and set boundaries.
    • Reply
  • Monique
    Rockstar October 2022
    Monique ·
    • Flag
    Hi my dear wow for starters i am so so very sorry that this has come to this. And that your mom is making the planning unbearable miserable and by not letting your in laws in or to weigh in at all is just wrong on her part. She isn't marrying into family you are and I'm feeling like you to quietly and not let hurt know that you have gotten married. Then the kicker was for me that she said that this is her wedding and for you and your FH not to come. She doesn't see that she she messing up the relationship between the both of you. Wow I hope that it all works out for you
    • Reply
  • Kelly
    Beginner July 2023
    Kelly ·
    • Flag

    Hi! I am definitely sympathetic to your post.

    My parents are paying for my wedding, I am an only child and they have been saving since I was born. I am so appreciative that they have been thinking of this and can't thank them enough. However... and there is always a however, they are completely in a different space visually and are comparing what my wedding would be like from their past experiences and its just very frustrating. I am completely sick over trying to keep things calm and understanding and not let my feelings get in the way, but its really hard holding it all together.

    I just want to reiterate, it's not about the financial aspect, even if they weren't contributing they would still be very specific and opinionated about their only child's wedding day. It's really tearing me apart as I want to not rock the boat and make them happy but I do not want a big traditional wedding at all....

    My heart goes out to you.

    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar August 2021
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Well, Kelly how will you start defining your boundaries if it's not with your own grown-up wedding? What does your partner want? Is he/she being a team with you? The other posters and I suggest financially severing ties because: 1) we paid for our own weddings, and 2) parents continue to infantilize their children by providing for them financially. I hope you and your FS can define what works for you, because cracking with more than a year before your wedding is not positive for your emotional well-being. I do not think your parents are trying to emotionally blackmail you into getting the wedding they want. They may even prefer to put their savings into something more sustainable like a trust or a home than a party. Ask them. Good luck.

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