Planning a wedding with a narcissistic mom - help!

Oh dear! You know what first of all I’m so sorry for all of this and honestly I would probably choose to elope and have a destination wedding with a few close friends or just elope with your fiancé and throw your own party and send her an invite. That’s just so disheartening.

😳😳 WOW! I always get shocked when I hear stories like this because I just don’t understand how people think your wedding is theirs. From your post, it seems like she’s the one that’s paying for the wedding? I assume that is why she feels as though she’s entitled to say and do what she wants because she’s paying. However, it doesn’t give her the right - you’re her daughter and you’d think she would be paying out the kindness of her heart and not because she wants to be in charge. That isn’t right for her to do that to you. I’d recommend having a conversation with her and letting her know how you feel about everything. Because your fiancé parents should be at the wedding. Do you think talking to her will help?

It does sound like the best thing you can do is return/decline her money and plan a wedding that you and your future spouse can afford together. That is the only way you will get to make all of the decisions without interference.

And since, as you say, this is the mom you've had all your life, you already know you can't change her, you need to change your behavior and set up boundaries to protect yourself. If you need help with those boundaries, I highly recommend therapy. Therapy, of course, isn't a quick fix, so you will still need to make the decision right now to remove her from the wedding planning process. You can do this!

The free wedding your mother is planning has nothing to do with you or your fiance. Return the money and plan a wedding or elopement you two can afford with your commitment in mind. Now is the time to make boundaries to protect your spouse and yourself. Her narcissism won't stop once you're out of the home.

Oh dear. Well the advice I would give is to decline her money and plan the wedding that you want. Money comes with strings attached, as you can see here.

I too would establish boundaries. You can only do that though if you're not financially dependent on her.

Yikes! Sounds like you clearly recognize what is going on. I would reccomend eloping or refusing her money and figuring out what type of wedding you can hold with just you and you FH paying. I also be worried about her ruining your wedding if you stay the course with your current plans.

View Quoted Comment This 100%, totally agree

View Quoted Comment THIS. Your mother’s funds obviously come with strings attached. She wants to plan the wedding of her dreams, and doesn’t seem to care at all about giving you the wedding you actually want. I would highly suggest declining any financial assistance from her, and instead plan an elopement or a wedding you and FH can afford yourselves. Continuing on the current path is only going to lead to a miserable experience for you, and will likely ruin this once in a lifetime event.

To echo everyone else, you need to take control and pay for your own wedding that you and your fiancé can afford. Your mother is holding this over your head and acting like an infant. She needs a reality check.

We are paying for ours and didn’t accept help
From anyone.We are having a smaller wedding including 50 people and doing everything our way. It’s going to be simple, yet elegant and romantic.

View Quoted Comment Agree with this. Unfortunately narcissistic people aren’t open to any views other than their own. Limit contact and set boundaries.

Hi my dear wow for starters i am so so very sorry that this has come to this. And that your mom is making the planning unbearable miserable and by not letting your in laws in or to weigh in at all is just wrong on her part. She isn't marrying into family you are and I'm feeling like you to quietly and not let hurt know that you have gotten married. Then the kicker was for me that she said that this is her wedding and for you and your FH not to come. She doesn't see that she she messing up the relationship between the both of you. Wow I hope that it all works out for you

Hi! I am definitely sympathetic to your post.

My parents are paying for my wedding, I am an only child and they have been saving since I was born. I am so appreciative that they have been thinking of this and can't thank them enough. However... and there is always a however, they are completely in a different space visually and are comparing what my wedding would be like from their past experiences and its just very frustrating. I am completely sick over trying to keep things calm and understanding and not let my feelings get in the way, but its really hard holding it all together.

I just want to reiterate, it's not about the financial aspect, even if they weren't contributing they would still be very specific and opinionated about their only child's wedding day. It's really tearing me apart as I want to not rock the boat and make them happy but I do not want a big traditional wedding at all....

My heart goes out to you.

View Quoted Comment

Well, Kelly how will you start defining your boundaries if it's not with your own grown-up wedding? What does your partner want? Is he/she being a team with you? The other posters and I suggest financially severing ties because: 1) we paid for our own weddings, and 2) parents continue to infantilize their children by providing for them financially. I hope you and your FS can define what works for you, because cracking with more than a year before your wedding is not positive for your emotional well-being. I do not think your parents are trying to emotionally blackmail you into getting the wedding they want. They may even prefer to put their savings into something more sustainable like a trust or a home than a party. Ask them. Good luck.