Picking my bridal party. Ughhhhh help!

I wish I could say you’re not obligated to have anyone you don’t, but I also have someone in my party more so to keep the peace. At the end of the day, you could always have her and then if she is causing too many issues, give her an ultimatum - either she needs to step down or stop with the attitude.

View Quoted Comment Ugh. I’m sorry you’re dealing with the same issue. It’s awful and exhausting. Yeah, you’re right. I could just set the tone from the beginning and then hope for the best and give her a good talking to if she starts acting up. I HATE that this is a thing. I saw her yesterday for the first time since getting engaged and she was sooo weird. She didn’t ask to see my ring (not that people HAVE to) but like, I’ve known you for 20 years since we were in middle school. I’m supposedly YOUR best friend. And you don’t act excited or want to see my ring? Odd. She just asked where we are getting married. How it’s going. And said if I need any help to let her know 🤦🏻‍♀️ Her energy is always off. It’s hit or miss. And that’s the crap I don’t want to deal with on my wedding day. My MOH and the other BM assured me that they won’t let her negativity bring me down (they all know her and how she is) But it’s just stressful. Sorry. End rant lol

I feel like you have 3 options:
1) keep your bridal party small and if she complains, say you didn't want a huge BP so you only picked the people you felt closest to, but you do value her friendship
2) have her as a bridesmaid and he she starts acting up, talk to her about how you feel (not in an accusing manner)3) rip off the band-aid and end the friendship. Don't invite her to the wedding at all. You may be in the same circle of friends, but unless your group of friends hangs out a lot, it'll probably be easy to avoid her.

Well at least you have your other BMs to help you and squash out any negativity. It’s so funny because one of my BMs is the exact same way, it’s like reading about myself!! Good luck with everything!

You are NOT obligated to have anyone in your bridal party. I had the same issue, of a cousin who wants me to be a bridesmaid and was expecting to be one of mine. I didn't want her as a bridesmaid, I don't feel as close as she thinks we are. So I found a work around. My FH only has 3 people in his side of the wedding party. We want the party to be even on both sides, so I've asked my 3 best friends if they would be in the bridal party. Now, I haven't told my cousin yet (we're still a year out, and she hasn't asked again), but when she does, I'll just tell her that we wanted it to be even, and I've already asked the 3 ladies I see as my bestest of best friends. Shes going to be mad and upset, shes one of those who whines about everything, but I dont know what else to tell her, its my wedding, and that's that. She'll also probably be petty and take me out of her bridal party...which I'm kind of ok with that.

View Quoted Comment Oh man, that third option scares me! I see us more drifting apart. I couldn’t NOT invite her to my wedding. It’s not like that, buuut. I do see me intentionally drifting apart from her over the years to come. Unfortunately we all hang out often enough that I would see her at least 4x a year or so. And it doesn’t help that 2 months after my wedding, my good friend is getting married and we are both in her wedding 🤦🏻‍♀️

View Quoted Comment Oh no! How has it been going with that BM? Ugh sorry you have to go through this crap too!

I agree with the pp that you're not obligated to have her in your wedding and it does suck that it might be less drama for you to have her because ultimately than you're not having a bridal party that you would like. I would suggest that if you choose to make her a Brides me to keep the peace like someone else said if she starts acting up put her in her place right away and if she can't get it together to then ask her to step down and be a guest. In my opinion it sounds like this is a friendship that should no longer be in place and it's great that you recognize that that should have been done a long time ago. I think it's great that you're trying to be nice but if she causes any issues then you can remove her as a bridesmaid. Maybe even on the side forewarn your maid of honor and ask her for extra support if something does occur. I would ask you this though. If you did not make her a bridesmaid would you have her as a guest at your wedding? If she was upset that she was a bridesmaid and chose to end your friendship would you be hurt by that or would you just move on with your life? I ask this because if at the end of the day this is not a friendship that you are going to miss if it ends then I would not worry about her being your bridesmaid.

View Quoted Comment Yeah. I love that. I mean he is having 5....and so I could count her out. She is just going to be very hurt and mad and make it about herself. I know it. I’ve known her for 20 years and I wish the friendship would have ended long ago. Or at least tapered off more, but at this point. I feel like it is what it is. I’m trying to pick and choose my battles. Ugh.

Well, you have to look at the consequences if you go either way. Would you rather deal with the consequences of her being in it, for example making it about herself, being miserable, etc, or would you rather deal with the consequences of her not in it, for example the drama that will ensue? You could use this as an opportunity to end the friendship, she might get the hint you don’t want to be her friend and you guys can talk about it, but at the same time if you do that then you might look back on your wedding planning experience and think about how miserable she made you. Or, if you have her in it, you might look back on your wedding pictures years from now and wish you didn’t have her in it because she made you miserable. Good luck either way, we all have these issues when picking out our wedding party!!!!

View Quoted Comment Ah, yeah that would be hard then. Ending friendships is hard so drifting is usually the easy way to do it. I don't think you should end it now since you'll be in a wedding together, but it sounds like you've already drifted enough to not have to include her in your wedding (you're only seeing her about 4 times a year? and I'm guessing you don't talk much).


I'd say keep both sides equal and small like another person suggested so you have a "reason" for not having her. Do you really want her in your pictures years later when you're no longer friends?

View Quoted Comment Hi! Thank you sooo much for your detailed advice. So yes, if she is not a BM, she will absolutely be invited to the wedding. I have a lot of love for her. It’s just exhausting at times. She’s a tough person in general. If she was offended and didn’t come to our wedding, and our friendship suffered bc of it, I wouldn’t lose THAT much sleep over it. I’m human and so I would be a bit like damn that sucks that she couldn’t get her act together, she has a lot of potential. But I wouldn’t be devastated if that makes sense. She’s really in that in between line. She’s an old friend. We still keep in contact maybe 1X a month or so. She just had a baby and I helped her a lot in her immediate postpartum. Since then she moved and so I don’t see her much. And she has thrown shade my way about not seeing her that much anymore, etc. That’s the stupid petty stuff I’m dealing with.

View Quoted Comment Yeah I hear you! For pictures, I was thinking of putting her at the end in case I would ever want to crop her out 🙈. I’m very torn 50/50. I feel like if I set the tone of happy happy and positivity and don’t put up with her bullshit, then it MIGHT be okay. I honestly feel like it’ll be worse to leave her out. And if we drift after the weddings, then so be it. She is one of my oldest friends (20 years), so I feel a tad bit better about that. If she was a newer friend this wouldn’t even be an issue. Bye Felicia! Lol

View Quoted Comment Thank you! I’m so glad to know I’m not alone!!! Ugh.

View Quoted Comment Yeah, my FH has two sisters and I have 1 brother and I’m already having his cousin in it (we’re closer) and my brother is doing the videography and both of his sisters want to be in it... haven’t quite figured out what to do 🙃

View Quoted Comment Oh man! What are your thoughts on it...

I'm not understanding why people would want to have someone in their bridal party for one of the biggest days of a couples life if they truly couldn't imagine that day without them standing by their side. A wedding (and planning) is stressful enough without adding someone you don't really want to have with you. You mentioned previously that you see you drifting apart...why would you want someone in all of your wedding pictures that you clearly don't see as having a part of your life for the long haul.

As far as how she reacts if you do leave her out....frankly, that shouldn't matter. She's going to feel how she feels whether you think it's valid or not. The only thing you have control over is how you handle your side of the situation. Your wedding day is about you and your FH and the "official" beginning of your life together. Do yourself a favor and don't put people in your wedding just to make them happy when it clearly doesn't make you happy. Good luck

View Quoted Comment You’re not wrong. I wish it was that black and white. I really do. Bc I definitely agree with you. It’s just not that simple for me. I wish I could be that cut throat and not care about what will ensue if I don’t put her in. I know it sounds crazy, it’s just a tough call.

View Quoted Comment Eeeesch that's rough. But not cool she threw shade. As adults we have busy lives so it happens. I get what you mean that she has potential but sadly plans change. If you feel ok (also ask your moh and fh and mom) but make her a bm but first time she starts mess put her in check and tell her one more incident you will have her simply be a guest. It's your special day so she needs to get it together IMO. Not sure if my advice is helpful.

View Quoted Comment Yes! You’ve been super helpful. I can’t thank you enough ♥️