Passive-aggressive Generosity

Can you tell your dad that instead of buying the suit that the money he would have used will be better used for another part of the wedding? This way your FH gets the jacket he wants and your dad feels like he is helping with the wedding. I think your dad means well and just wants to be helpful.

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I've tried that but he's for some reason he hasn't articulated, dead set against the thrifted suit. He hasn't seen it and I think he thinks it looks beat up and obviously used. I've assured him that I think it looks nice and that I'm fine with it. Also suggesting he put the money elsewhere just made him gift several other things we don't want, in addition to the suit, to play like money is no object to him. I get I'm his baby and the last wedding in the family but he doesn't have much money and needs to lay off about what he wants vs. what we want.

I'd stop involving them with planning to be honest. It sounds like they're over stepping boundries and you should tell him youre not comfortable taking anything else from them because you don't want anymore arguments. And just leave it at that.

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I'm not really even involving them to begin with. We just talk because honestly he's the only one besides my FH I socialize with these days and my parents ask questions and I give them answers they don't like sometimes so he oversteps thinking he's helping. There are only a couple "gifts" we've argued over so far and this is the only one that's amounted to more than a "we'll see" or us just giving in to what my dad wants because we don't care if he say buys champagne or a different card box then we bought. I told my dad to not argue with my FH about the suit and that he's not going to accept it or go suit shopping with him. I got the feeling that my dad doesn't view it as an argument because he's a pigheaded man and thinks he's just going to get his way.

Well stop giving them answers. I had to stop giving my parents answers because they would turn a mole hill into a mountain. Tell them you don't want help or opinions.

Maybe seeing a photo of the jacket will ease his worries since he’s picturing some beat up rag with mothballs. I know he’s driving you nuts and frankly he’s acting like a bully about it but maybe he really does just want to help him look nice.

Could you compromise and let him help find your FH matching pants or would that be too much conflict?

We are sadly having to deal with this too from my FH side. I'm not going to lie, it's hard. Unfortunately you need to really put your foot down with your dad or whoever. Be grateful but clearly say no. I don't know if your dad would be willing to just help pay for new pants? If a compromise can't be reached then a clear firm no from you. My fiance stood up for me to his family and it truly meant a lot that I could count on him to have my back. Sadly this did result in a fight between him and a family member, with yelling and crying. It was truly upsetting but in the end we were all able to come together again and a clear line had been drawn. When I asked for advice on what to do when we were in this situation everyone told us to put our foot down hard because it's sets a president for the rest of your lives together. Just imagine how it will be if you have kids... You need to establish boundaries now. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I just think that's the way it has to be in some cases. Good luck to you and your FH cause I know it's not easy.

My dad is not going to compromise at just the pants. Tried that suggestion too. He is unconvinced that we can find a pair that matches enough. We did find a brand and color at Macy's that matches almost perfectly but we would have to order online for my future husband's size. My dad refused to help us order them because of the price of the pants we found. He's convinced he can find a whole navy blue suit for under $100. Which is not realistic in our area unless it's used. I'm about to just order the pants and tell him to deal with it. This mostly came up because my dad asked what he should wear to walk me down the aisle and I told him a suit in gray or black and not a tux because my groom and groomsmen are all really young dudes who can't afford full tuxes. Honestly the wedding is in the summer anyways so I wouldn't be surprised if the groom and groomsmen put their jackets away as soon as we leave the ceremony so it's a doubly stupid argument. My wedding dress is thrifted and nobody had anything to say about that so I don't really even know why he's so set on the suit being new. It's illogical and I think pp is right that he thinks he's being nice but is more so being a bully. For some reason I'm the only kid he does or has done this with. I'm the youngest of five and all my other siblings eloped. He doesn't gift anything to any of them outside of holidays but is always wedding or no trying to give me things I didn't ask for to "help" me. We have plenty of other people doing the same thing as him just less aggressively.

You said you both grew up poor. Maybe he feels bad about not helping more. You also said your wedding is the last one, so maybe he feels this is his last chance to make it right. Idk, just trying to understand him. I know FHs mom was very much set on buying him his suit for the wedding. Maybe there is something sentimental about it. Good luck.

I actually unfortunately have the same issue with my parents so I feel your pain. Still figuring out how to deal with it, because it can be soooo frustrating. I decided right away that I wanted silk flowers because I think real ones are a waste. FH and I spent a decent amount of money on flowers from hobby lobby months ago and now I’m finally putting them together. And then my parents start saying “well if they’re not gonna look good, you’re going to need to hire a florist” which I kindly told them thanks, but it was not in the budget and not what we envisioned for our wedding. And they flipped out 🙄 saying that they’d take care of the florist and all that, which don’t get me wrong, is very generous, but not something that I want them to dictate for my wedding (and my silk bouquets are beautiful)

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He's one of several that's doing that. If I had let him he would have picked the venue and caterer as well. I don't know why he's so hands on with this one being that he didn't even go to my sister's wedding. My mom says to just let the two of them fight about the suit. I told a family friend we weren't planning on having a cake and she flipped and now is trying to get me to go taste testing for a cake she wants to gift us. I told her I'm on a planning break because she was trying to buy me every little thing I didn't want. She didn't like the veil I chose so she wanted to get me another one, a new hair dresser and make-up artist, different flowers and decor, keeps trying to give me her old unity candles when we can't light candles in the venue anyways, tried to get me to change the venue to one she liked better. They mean well but it's annoying as all heck. And my mom calls me at least twice a week saying she wants to buy me some random thing she found at a craft fair for wedding decor when I've already walked her through what I am getting/making for decor. I don't know everyone says to just leave everyone who disagrees with me out of the planning but that leaves just me and my FH and I don't know. I get excited and don't have many social outlets besides him and he works night shift so we only get like three or four hours when we're both awake. I just don't get how people think it's okay to tell people what to do like that. I didn't go with half a dozen venues I toured because the venue directors were trying to tell me what to do.