TW: Abuse
I've lived in California for about 7 years, my family lives in the midwest. Long story short, my parents and I don't have a good relationship. I was abused by my brothers and my parents were kind of absentee parents. My mother was particularly terrible and stood by my abusers rather than me. We have an on-again/off-again relationship, and she has for no reason at all decided she isn't coming to my wedding. She hasn't even bothered to tell me herself, but has communicated it to me through my dad (who she recently divorced with my help) and through my sisters. I have spent a lot of my life helping her with everything, as she is really codependent. As painful as it was to learn this I am a bit relieved as I don't have to worry anymore and can just deal with it. I didn't expect my dad to come to my wedding for a long time as our relationship can be tough, and there was a long time when we weren't speaking. But since he and my mother divorced my dad seems to have turned a page and become much nicer. About 5 or 6 months ago he started talking about wanting to come to the wedding, and about bringing one of my brothers with him (my good brother who has issues with disabilities and needs assistance getting here, not one of the abusers).
My dad has now, 30 days to the wedding, started backtracking. He is now saying he doesn't have the money, and part of me just doesn't buy it. I know that he recently purchased a plane ticket for my absuive brother's girlfriend who lives in Vegas to visit my brother (who is in prison in the midwest). I know that he has spent a lifetime spending money on girlfriends younger than me while he was married. But he's a nicer, old man now and I am starting to feel intense guilt because though I technically can afford to pay for his plane ticket I don't want to do it. He was always the better parent (terrible husband to my mom) but I guess that doesn't say a whole lot. He is much better now than he ever was as a parent, but again that doesn't say much. My FH and I are paying for the wedding ourselves, my parents have not visited me once in 7 years (I've visited them many times despite all our problems), they one time were supposed to visit and when I called to confirm when I was picking them up (had taken time off work etc) they said they forgot to tell me they weren't coming anymore. This is how it's always been with them, either they're literally gone, or they make big plans and then forget about them. It's a constant emotional rollercoaster and it's exhausting. They forgot to pick me up from school, didn't come to my high school graduation, etc. They fly to Vegas all the time, they used to fly internationally all the time, but not once to visit me. I guess I just am looking for validation, that it's OK if I don't pay for my dad to come to the wedding or to pay for him to be here. Everything is made more difficult since my mom isn't coming, my FH's family is traveling from the UK to be here and they haven't met my parents. I know that my sisters are my real family, and I've explained this to his family but it can be hard for people to grasp this. I've been an emotional wreck and I just am tired of dealing with a lifetime of pain from them and now more of the same. I'm embarrassed that neither of my parents will be at my wedding and I'm mortified at the thought of having to tell anyone about it. Anyone else in a similar situation? How are you coping? Would you pay for a parent to be there so there's some representation or not bother?
