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K
Savvy August 2021

Parental issues... post Wedding.

Kr, on September 10, 2021 at 2:47 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 12

LONG POST AHEAD.....I have been dealing with parental issues, primarily with my mother, for years. Before I moved out and after. I moved out at the age of 18 and moved 2.5 hours away. Even from a distance she made it extremely difficult to keep a relationship with her. To make a long story short, she is very malicious, selfish, narcissistic, and constantly has a victim complex. It almost seems to be a jealousy issue, not sure of what? This behavior really started showing to me in the last few years. My husband always pointed it out, but I acted oblivious because she is my mother. This is primarily in my relationship with her. With others (brothers, friends, step parent) she is very loving and understanding and coddles them or just overall normal. With me, she always uses the response of "we are your family" "this is your family and you have to", etc.


Fast-forwarded, my husband and I got married in late August after being together almost 7 years. We found out that following week that I was pregnant. I am now 6wk's and 3 days pregnant. My parents obviously do not know that because we have not told any one yet. Today my mother discovered a photo from my wedding where other people were present. She, and none of my family were invited. We did a small elopement in the Michigan dunes with some very close friends, and my husbands brother and sister. They were our witnesses. My parents were never involved in the wedding much because my mom was very overbearing and they do not have a good relationship with my husband. (Never have. My step father is very controlling, although he means well, and my mother tried to mother my husband as her own. This doesn't work out well. ) Additionally, I received continual messages from my mother in regards to not wanting to be in our reception party later one, backlash from her, and just disgusting, mean texts. She even at one point asked me from my husbands bestfriends phone number to contact in case any family members showed up to the wedding.


Any who, she texted me about the photo and I was going to wait until my work day was finished to address it. I understand she is hurt. I get that. But hubby's parents were also not involved. My mom is being selfish, as is my husband's in this situation. My mom took it upon herself to post my wedding photo on her Facebook page with the caption "When your daughter says she is running away and getting married and your not invited but other our and we found this online!! Really now" This was 10 minuets after her message to me. Mind you, she had been demanding photos from me of our wedding. I had only had a few handfuls back from our photographer and he posted some sneak peaks. I knew my mom would find out we had people there one way or another. That was a given. However, how she is acting on social media has me in total and utter disgust. I have given her nothing but grace, love and empathy through our entire relationship. This set me over the edge. I do not know what to do. Am I wrong? IS she wrong? There is obviously much more to the story than this.. but with us expecting our first child, this is something I cannot continue to entertain and bring my child into.


I know this is a lot, and there is obviously a ton of back story of emotional abuse from my parents.. but I am at a dead end. This has been going on since I began my relationship with my husband in 2014. From shutting my phone off, cancelling my car insurance while traveling to visit my husband (all while in high school) to most recent events of placing hands on my husband, emotional abuse and telling me they were done with any type of relationship with me... My husband has always been great and forgiving toward them. But with most recent events when we moved back into town (placing hands and going after husband from my step father) he has drawn a line and refuses to communicate or have anything to do with them. He of course wants me to have a relationship with them.. but it seems nearly impossible with how they are still acting.


Any advice? Please...

12 Comments

Latest activity by Yasmine, on September 11, 2021 at 7:38 AM
  • Jessi
    Super October 2022
    Jessi ·
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    I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Honestly, I don't think you should continue a relationship with them. They've been hurting you and abusing you for years and have made no attempt to stop. For your own sake and for the sake of your baby you all will be so much better off without them causing stress. I know people say that it's important because they're family, but just because they are blood doesn't mean you have to shrink yourself for them.

    I'd start with trying to flag that post she made if possible to see if it could get taken down. Then, unfriend and block her along with anyone you believe would be willing to send her information you don't want her knowing. There's definitely a thing where parents can become jealous in a sense of one of their children and this may be something she has been experiencing, but if that is the case then only she can choose to change her behavior. I wish you luck with this whole thing. Try not to stress too hard about it and focus on your own growing family.

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  • Givemeallthepups
    Expert February 2020
    Givemeallthepups ·
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    They sound toxic and unhealthy. Just because they’re your family doesn’t mean you owe them your emotional bandwidth.
    I would recommend seeking out a therapist to help you navigate your family. A therapist will also help you identify traits and behaviors from your upbringing that you might unknowingly be bringing into your marriage and things you don’t (or do) want to pass onto your children. I’m currently working through this with a therapy regarding my own family. It’s hard but very beneficial.
    I would also recommend two books: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and Set Boundaries Find Peace.
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  • Cece
    Rockstar November 2023
    Cece ·
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    Unfortunately, it sounds like both sides acted immaturely in the situation. Yes, your mother is being incredibly immature by lashing out at you in a passive aggressive nature on social media. However, you not coming clean with her about inviting other people and simply “knowing she would find out one way or another” was also an immature way to handle it. I applaud you for choosing to not invite toxic people to your wedding… But if you wanted a respectful response from your mother, you should have respectfully informed her of your decision, rather than letting her find out via social media. That situation aside though, it sounds as though your relationship with your parents is extremely toxic and unhealthy. Whether you wish to have a relationship with them or not, I would highly suggest you seeking out therapy to help you navigate through this and give you the tools you need to set healthy boundaries with them.
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  • K
    Savvy August 2021
    Kr ·
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    Cece, agree with you 100%. I should have been up front with them about my choice to not have them there. They were the only ones I was very vague with when it came to this. Thank you for being blunt with me and pointing out my fault in this situation, too. I seriously appreciate that. I think part of me was afraid of their reaction through that. I wasn't afraid to voice this to others, but with them it was a challenge and I avoided it, especially after they told me they wanted nothing to do with my reception or being apart of my life. Again, great advice and I thank you again!

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  • K
    Savvy August 2021
    Kr ·
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    Thank you for this advice! I will look for that first book, for sure. I have the "Set Boundaries Find Peace" book. Funny enough I have only read the first few pages. I appreciate your input.

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  • K
    Savvy August 2021
    Kr ·
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    Thank you for such helpful insight Jessi! You provided some good insight, and I greatly appreciate it.

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  • Melissa
    Dedicated October 2023
    Melissa ·
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    First, congratulations on the marriage and baby!


    Second, coming from someone who has been in VERY toxic family relationships, by no means do they have to be in your life. They do not need to be on your social media, or anything else. Who you chose to have at YOUR wedding is YOUR choice. She acted like a petty child by posting that on her Facebook. I understand it's your mom, I totally get it, but that does not mean that she deserves to be in your life. Imagine if her overbearing toxic ways were to invade into your child's life?! No one deserves to be treated in a negative or toxic way.
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  • K
    Savvy August 2021
    Kr ·
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    THANK YOU. All of this. For the congratulations, and for validating my emotions. Also, 100000% on the child's life. This is a huge thing with my husband and I. It has been a topic for a long time. Now that we are expecting, I am more aware of the actions and how this would negatively impact my baby. again... THANK YOOOU.

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  • Jacks
    Champion November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Congrats on the baby and your recent marriage!!

    In terms of your family of origin, you don't owe them anything. Teach people how to treat you by respecting your own self and refusing to engage with anyone that does opposite. For sure look into toxic parents and boundaries.

    All the best!

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  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
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    My mother is a narcissist.

    She refused to come to the wedding because we didn't put her name on the invitations (she neither offered money, nor helped plan).

    We haven't spoken since, and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS IT IS AMAZING.

    (I'm 37 weeks pregnant, and as far as I know, she doesn't know.)

    I suggest going No Contact and getting into therapy. Best thing I've done for myself besides marrying DH.

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  • Clarissa
    Super October 2021
    Clarissa ·
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    First of congratulations on the wedding and baby. Secondly you have to remove yourself from stressful situations. This is a vital time in your pregnancy and stress is not good for you. Third it’s your decision on who to invite I can understand her being upset but after the verbal and physical abuse I wouldn’t want to be around that let alone have my child around. Unfortunately it’s only going to get worse once they find out that you’re with child.
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  • Yasmine
    Master October 2020
    Yasmine ·
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    Honestly, it just seems like she is hurt. BUT CONTROLLING. Like she was so used to getting her way with you for years, that now you step up & do your own thing now she's upset. GOOD FOR YOU!! It doesn't matter that she's your mother, you are grown and can make your own choices without her. You are definitely not wrong.
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