Parent acting different since engaged

It just makes me sad because I thought my mom and FH got a long great and the only thing that has changed is that we are engaged. I feel like her constantly asking about money is intrusive and none of her business. I tell her that, but she says it is her business because we are now engaged and our relationship is more serious now.

That makes it LESS her business. Don't entertain her foolishness. Change the subject. Tell her if she has something to say, say it instead of making back handed comments. If she has nothing, move on. If she continues to pester, hang up or leave.

She's an adult. You're an adult too. Act like it.

Agreed! I'm not sure how his/soon to be our finances are any of her business. I could see a concerned mother if for instance he had no way to support us, but he does. She seems way out of line lately. I'm just not sure where all of this is coming from.

I mean, ask her out of concern. But if she pushes back instead of opening up, you gotta set boundaries. They don't have to be cruel, but they need to exist in any adult relationship.

I can't say my parents don't like FH cause that's not true, they love him. But when FH asked my dad for permission back in November he was all about it, now he thinks we are rushing in to getting married because I will only be 23 by the time of the wedding. I think he feels that way because him and my mom were married at 22 and are now divorced.

But at the end of the day it's your life, you know who you are marrying and you know you are making the right choice!

This really sucks. I think she may just be trying to be protective in an uncomfortable what? Not sure what type of relationship you have with her but if it was my mom I would talk to her and ask what is up.

Before you were engaged you were still her little girl. Now you're about to be someone's wife and start a family of your own (even if it's just a two person family)!! I'm not saying she's right to feel this way, but it could be the case. I think my mom struggles with this, too, as she foresees a shift in "rank" so to speak (a terrible way to put it - sorry - just can't think of another way).

I agree that you should talk to her about what's really concerning her. Maybe try reassuring her you'll always be her daughter, and you'll always need her in some way, but she has to let you fly. Good luck!

The only change in my mom is her being even more excited now haha. Sorry your mom is acting differently towards your FH. Maybe try talking to her about it and see what's going on. After trying to talk if things don't change, just try to change the subject. Don't let anyone try to give you doubts.

Can you just ask her? "Mom, FH's finances and mine really aren't any of your business. Where is all of this coming from?"

May I ask how long you guys were dating before? My mom for example looooves FH... we have been dating for 7 years! She doesn't believe in marriage... says is just a paper and a waste of money, that we are fine the way we are (she had never married) she believes free commitments are bigger prove of loyalty. While I do share some of her ideals I do believe in marriage and it is important to FH and his family. So my mother has not been weird towards FH or me but she is def not interested on the wedfing details and occasionally hints at it being a waste of time and money. Oh well... she will get over it. Your mom is probably trying to protect you, she will probably go back to normal as the wedding gets closer. If she gets worse have a heart to heart w her. GOOD LUCK!

Ugh my mother completely changed once we got engaged too. She suddenly hated FH for no reason other than he's a "snob" (what?) And has openly become a b*tch, especially about children. She told me FH and I should never have children because we don't need to reproduce and we would be horrible parents. It's moved on to other people too! She told my pregnant friend to quit getting pregnant and adopt of she wants any more kids. My mother is an embarrassment. Can't wait until this passes.

As for your mom, marriage isn't about money. She's almost making herself sound like a gold digger. You just need to stand your ground and tell your mother it's not her place to worry about money.

Mom seems materialistic. Who cares about the ring? I can understand not wanting your child to go bankrupt and mess up their credit but she's way past that. Set those boundaries. I'm dealing with new boundaries and having an adult - parent relationship as well.

Sounds like perhaps she is just worried about him taking care good of you. It's sweet but can be annoying too.

"Mom, you and Dad raised me to be independent and make good choices. Please trust in me like I trusted and trust you." (hugs here will make the point and be sweet)

I would talk to her without your FH there. My mom and I had a healthy conversation about her changing role (she loves my FH but we had a conversation where we both talked about how I can balance my "old family" with my "new family.") She was a lot happier, as was I, when I told her that she nor my sister nor my dad would ever be replaced as important people to me. I also told my parents before he proposed to give my mom time to adjust to the idea.

I'm sorry about your Dad. I don't think that she's playing the "Dad role", I think she's being nosy. Thinking it's any of her business how you live or don't live.

@Amanda- Not all parents see getting engaged as losing their "little girl". I left home at 18 and am 38 now so my parents weren't worried about who would taking care of me. I've been adulting for 20 years. Lol!

It could have something to do with age. Are you still living at home OP? Are you on the younger side?

Thanks all for the comments! This is quite helpful. To give you a better picture I am currently 26 and will be almost 27 when married and my FH is 27 and will be 28 when married. We met when I was 12 and he was 13 and have many mutual friends. We were together for 2 years before he proposed. We have already moved away from home before, both have degrees, and FH has even owned a home before. I am back living at home because I quit my job when my dad's cancer came back. I was his primary caregiver and basically lived at the hospital for months and was his health power of attorney and signed his DNR and everything. After he passed away my stuff was already with my mom since I quit my job so I have been living here paying rent while I establish a better career since I was fresh out of college when he passed. I am the baby of the family. All of my siblings are 8-12 years older. I'm trying to figure out if this is my mom's new normal. She is getting a bit older and her driving is awful, 3 car accidents in 3 months, I found she put her car keys and shoe in the washing machine the other day. Not sure. When I told her one of the last times it was none of her business she raised her voice at me and said she was looking out for her future grandchildren! We don't even have kids and still don't know if we will. She also has started looking into their bank's policies (they happen to bank at the same bank) and bringing up things. It all feels super intrusive.

I agree with PP's about her caring about you, but it definitely sounds like she's going about it in an intrusive way.

Also, could it be that she is afraid that she'll be lonely once you move out, especially now that she's getting older? Could just be that the change is overwhelming for her. Definitely setting some boundaries or maybe even having a serious talk about why she's making such bold statements/questions/accusations may help move your relationship back in the right direction.

It sounds to me like your mom needs some serious help. Has she allowed herself to grieve and grow? She seems very dependent on you, so perhaps she feels threatened by the change. Definitely time to set boundaries and find a way to help her as an individual. Maybe your siblings can help lessen the weight on your shoulders. Just out of curiosity, how old is she?

I haven't read all of the comments and I'm pretty sure someone else will say this but you need to have a heart to heart with your mom. What she's doing isn't right but try to remember that she probably thinks she's helping. Tell her that you understand that she cares about your stability. Tell her how her constant questioning makes you feel and assure her that you are financially stable and ask her to leave it at that. If she presses the subject put your foot down. You and FH are mingling your finances not your mom and FH. It's frankly not her business.

No my parents didn't do that. Maybe she just wants to make sure he's a good guy now that he is officially going to be your husband, whereas before she wasn't as concerned bc you were just dating? I don't know. Tell her it's none of her business.