Overbearing Mom

Congratulations on your engagement!! Obviously your mom is very excited for you but it's yours and your fiance's day, not hers. As much as you might appreciate her opinions all decisions should be yours and your fiancé's. Do you have the type of relationship where she will respect your feelings if you tell her, very nicely, to back off?

View Quoted Comment I could be the nicest person in the world and she will still turn it back as me being the bad guy

You could include your mom by having a mood board brainstorming session. Her buying things now is pointless and certainly irking you. Give her something to look forward to. But, tell her you and your partner have to set a budget and guest list first. Then invite her for a fun day to look at pictures in old-school magazines together and drinks. Maybe you two can do low-key recon at some venues before presenting options to your partner. Just a warning, not every engaged couple likes to do things together. If your mom is willing, see her as a potential resource later but set boundaries.

View Quoted Comment Thank you! I love those ideas! I think I’ll try to spend a little more time with her and involve her in things that my fiancé may not want to be as involved in!

Have you set a date yet? If not, I’d recommend telling her you want to enjoy your engagement first. Maybe ask if she can host/plan an engagement party? If she does, that should give you some time to think about what you and your fiancé want regarding guest count, venue type, color palette and/or theme, etc. and then you could do things together.


If you don’t want an engagement party, I’d recommend going to a bridal show together. My mom went to two bridal shows with me (just us) to gather ideas, and we had lunch to chat about what we liked/disliked over a nice lunch. She also went wedding dress shopping with me (also just us, sometimes my dad came too), which helped her better see my likes/wants.
We didn’t tour wedding venues together, as my fiancé and I already knew were we wanted to get married, but we did tour several venues for my bridal shower together. She will be hosting it. I don’t think my mom bought any decor without asking me first, but my future mother-in-law bought some decor without checking with either us. But, as she offered to host our rehearsal dinner, I mentioned that she could use the items for that event (as they don’t match what we decided on).

View Quoted Comment I second this. ONLY if she behaves herself can you include her in more activities you guys don’t really care about (maybe have her make wedding favors if you want them), she could go with you to cake tasting and choose one of the cake layers.

That’s tough. Have you set a date? I know you just got engaged though. I would tell her that your fiancé and you are just taking time to enjoy the fact that you’re engaged! Not sure how to handle the gaslighting, maybe ask your step mom or dad for advice? Or the in laws? But I would continue to be honest with your mom and tell her how it’s making you feel.

One point to consider, if she’s paying for any part of this, she will feel entitled to be in charge. Decline any offers of support from her if you don’t want to deal with that.