Out of Towners and this whole Wedding Weekend Thing

I haven't spoken to FMIL yet about the rehearsal dinner and her budget/plans, but being that she's out of town, I'm pretty sure she'll ask me to give suggestions. I have a few ideas. We could do one big rehearsal dinner inviting all the OOT and the bridal party, but I have a feeling that'll blow her budget. OR we could do an early evening dinner with the bridal party and just do a casual meet-and-greet in the hotel lobby (huge bar and a small BBQ restaurant in there). My question is: Do I pay for that? Do I just mention it as an option to guests so that they pay for their own drinks and snacks? I don't want to force them to do anything they don't want to or are too tired or whatnot, but I want to be a great host. Same question for a breakfast the morning after. If I honestly don't have the $$ to feed them the day after, do I just say "Breakfast starts in the hotel lobby at 10am" and then share the fee? Some guests aren't breakfast eaters and some may have early flights or want to sleep in after a night with the open bar. I just need some help with etiquette and what others are doing who are hosting a lot of OOT.

We have a lot of OOT guests too. We're not having a rehearsal dinner, since we have no BP, so we've invited everyone who wants to to meet us for dinner the night before. We just put a note on the website that said we'll be at this restaurant at 7pm, if you want to come have dinner. I don't think you're required to pay for that, if it's their option and not an 'official' part of the wedding.

Same with breakfast.

We have mostly OOT guests, so we are only including bridal party and significant others plus immediate family in our rehearsal. My FILs are hosting that and said folks that were getting into town could join us afterwards for beer and wine but more like word of mouth.

For the morning after, my SIL is hosting a casual brunch like open house style so people can come and go as they please. My feeling is if you aren't paying for the events, it's better to just not mention it at all.

We're in a similar situation with most guests being oot. Our rehearsal dinner is just those involved in the ceremony because otherwise we'd be paying for a second reception. We are inviting all oot guests to join us bowling after the dinner though. We're paying for some lanes and a pitcher of beer per lane. For breakfast, since we had to block across two hotels, we're just spreading the word about which restaurant we'll be at in case folks want to say goodbye, but not hosting anything. We will likely invite a select few oot guests back to the house Sun afternoon for a chill BBQ, but that'll be small and mostly the wedding party. I don't think you need to provide a whole weekend of hosted events, but it's nice if you can organize something casual like bowling or "swing by x bar after 7 Fri night if you get in town and want to say hi."

Agree with pp...we don't have as many as you, but still have a lot of oot guests. We are inviting them all to the rehearsal dinner, but if you couldn't do that, I like your idea of having an early dinner with your BP and then hanging with your other guests after. Agree that if you casually mention it and describe it as more of a meet-up than a party, you don't have to pay. Same for breakfast on Sunday.

FH and I are leaving early Sunday morning for our honeymoon, but my mom is going to do a lil brunch thing like you mentioned and I do not believe she is paying for others. Just a swing by and say bye kind of thing.

You have zero requirement to host or entertain or feed (other then at your actual wedding) your OOT guests. They are adults, they can do those things for themselves and should plan to do so if they are saying that they will attend. Everyone at my wedding was OOT, most stayed the whole weekend, and everyone was capable of looking after themselves during that time.

We only had the immediate family and bridal party at our rehearsal dinner. My parents graciously paid to host a brunch at our venue the morning after, but had they not done that I couldn't have afforded it and people would have been on their own.

PPs have it. We are in a similar situation. We are having a small rehearsal dinner with just the wedding party and their SOs, parents, and grandparents. We are telling people via word of mouth that we will be at the restaurant bar until X o'clock if they want to come hang out. The casual invite lets them know it is not a hosted event.