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Margaret
Just Said Yes July 2022

Our pastor assumed his child was coming to our wedding when it’s adults only

Margaret, on June 15, 2022 at 2:21 PM Posted in Wedding Reception 0 11
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Looking for some advice,


My fiancé’s pastor is coming from out of state to Colorado to officiate our wedding. We are paying his lodging, etc. We sent him and his wife an invitation, and wrote on the invitations that it was an adults only reception.
He just sent my fiancé a text to RSVP and said “My wife and I will be there and one child, but don’t worry they barely eat anything!”
After coming down from the shock of his audacity, looking for advice on wording to respond to him.
We have had several guest ask if kids are welcome and they have arranged a sitter when we said no. My fiancé’s brother (best man) and sister in law refused to come to the wedding if they couldn’t bring their baby….so we already compromised once. I feel so strongly about not having kids at our wedding, as I have been to several weddings where children have ruined important moments, and feel a wedding is no place for kids.
But this is awkward because he the pastor, and is flying out to do this for us.
Any advice?

11 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on June 16, 2022 at 12:28 PM
  • R
    Rockstar
    Rosebud ·
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    Ugh this is a hard one I feel like since the rule has already been bent once I d do it again just to avoid any drama with the pastor. How old is the child? Personally though I agree that it was kinda nervy of him to ask when it says adults only right on the invite. Would you be upset if you had to find another officiant because if you say no that could very well happen. Good luck to you!

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  • Imani
    Master July 2022
    Imani ·
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    Honestly, if you’re strong about not having them you’ll have to tell him. And he should understand. Maybe they’re not staying for the reception? only the ceremony? Maybe you can say something like this:


    Hello ‘Pastor’ although, we would love to have your child attend our wedding, unfortunately, due to limited seating we are not allowing guest to bring children. Although, we would love to accommodate your child, we ask that children do not attend. Something along those lines to let him know hey we said no kids and please leave your child behind.
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  • Lisa
    Rockstar July 2022
    Lisa ·
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    Is it possible to hire a babysitter who can watch both the pastor's child and your fiance's brother's child off-site during the wedding? That way, you can still have an adults-only wedding, and the children can still travel with their parents?
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  • J
    Super March 2022
    JA ·
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    If you are paying for his lodging/a stipend/etc, then he isn't a guest he is staff. You can always find someone else to officiate. It is definitely ridiculous of him to say the child would be there, especially if the invite was clear. I would say something like


    "unfortunately this is an adults only event, so we won't be able to have your child come." Keep it short and don't try to over explain yourself.
    You could also offer to help find a babysitter to stay at the hotel with the child if having him there is very important to you.
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  • Paige
    VIP October 2022
    Paige ·
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    The audacity of people never ceases to amaze me. I'd keep the response short and say something like "We're looking forward to seeing you! If you're having difficulty finding someone to watch your child, we can try to help, but unfortunately we can't accommodate children at our wedding." (if you're really feeling petty, you could add "which is why we stated 'no children' on the invitations" lol)

    The less of an explanation you give, the better. It sounds like he's already trying to "make it work" by claiming the child won't eat much, so I'm sure that will be how any other explanation of why the child can't come will be met.

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  • T
    Expert May 2010
    Theresa ·
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    I think you're going to have trouble saying No to anyone else after saying Yes to the in-laws bringing their baby. You're going to have some very upset people who made plans for babysitters and then get there to find someone else's child attending.

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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    This would be my concern also. You said multiple people have reached out to you asking if children are welcomed, and you have told them no. I fear they are going to be upset when they arrive to your wedding and see that others were allowed to bring their child, when they were told no and forced to find/pay for childcare. That’s the thing about making rules – they need to apply to everyone.
    At this point, I would probably look into providing childcare for those that want to bring their child(ren).
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  • W
    VIP September 2020
    Willow ·
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    I have to agree with this. You're paying for his lodging. He is more staff than guest. He knows very well this is adults only. He is trying to railroad you.
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  • Jm Sunshine
    Jm Sunshine ·
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    I agree that this was very forward. However, when people are expected to travel out of state to a wedding, what are they supposed to do with their minor children for several days unless the spouse stays behind.
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  • Brandelyn
    Just Said Yes December 2022
    Brandelyn ·
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    Hmm that is very difficult since he's flying from out of town. He should've asked instead of assuming he can do it. Idk if it helps, but since the wife is coming with him, she'll have all the time to focus on her child. Honestly I don't feel like you should've had to compromise the first time around. However your pastor's situation feels like a situation I would feel most compelled to make an exception for. Just because I understand not wanting to leave to another state without your child.
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  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    Be straightforward. Your pastor's child is not more important than your nieces and nephews. Was his wife even invited, or did he just add +2. If he cannot plan ahead, I would hire another officiant.

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