Opinions are welcomed!

Find someone else to take her place. It seems your needs and her life/priorities don't match. Have you offered to go to her place? Who cares what number boyfriend she's on. Get you are feeling the way you do but that's petty.

Do you have children? I know when my children were younger, an hour of my day was a lot of time when you got active children who have needs, can get sick or have appointments and so on. I wouldn't want to bring my kids out to you if I had a long day and they were young. Gotta get them in their car seats and watch them while talking with you. It's a lot.

The only thing she has to show up for us the wedding, which is an entire year away. I’m sure with a year+ notice she will make herself available. Some people have busy lives, and maybe this is a particularly busy season for her since her children are likely out on summer break. Give her a break.

It sounds like she was really excited to accept the offer to be in your wedding but didn't quite think through all she has going on right now in her life and how it could affect her attendance in your things. That's totally fine still. When you do get with her, maybe just throw out that you are so excited she accepted but ask her straight up if she thinks she will be able to physically/financially take part. It could be that she has thought about how rough it will be for her but is afraid to say something to you. I am sometimes that way - I think "Ok, I've agreed so now I HAVE to do it even if it isn't something I can handle but I don't dare say anything for fear of hurting/offending". It may turn out better than expected. Good luck!

Hi Alexis!

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way.

I know you just want to meet up with her to celebrate and so you can give her a gift to show your appreciation for being in your wedding. That's so exciting! It's important to remember that your wedding and planning are the most important and exciting thing going on in your life right now, and totally fine! But your friend will have other priorities in her life, like her kids. I know this doesn't make your situation any easier, but it's a good thing to keep in mind when you are feeling a bit annoyed.

Would it be possible for you to visit her at her house? It might make it easier for her if she doesn't have to organize her kids for an outing.

I had 2 weddings one year, and one another, when brides who wanted to do something with me said this: well if we can't find time together to do things now, how will you have time to be in my wedding and do the shower you promised ( 2 of the weddings) or make my gown and MOH and FG ( free, my gift) like you promised? And in each case I said, you asked 15-18 months in advance. And at the time I told you , I am full time in a master's program, and working a 40 hours mostly evenings and 16 hour days weekend job. But I am off and doing no school, and no job, house sitting for family up the street from you and the others, starting mid May , for 14 weeks. That is 6 months/ 5 months before your Oct/ Dec wedding, and plenty of time to spend with you, address invitations, make or alter dresses, and I already have fabric, beads, patterns to follow. And I met once with my co-hostess for the shower( in 2) weeks ago, so we know our timeline, and have divided up resoonsibilities. . . So saying If I do not have time now to do things I will leave you stuck, is totally ridiculous. Because it is still 1 year or more before your wedding. At what I warned you was busiest times for me. . . . Bridesmaids, MOH, have absolutely nothing they need to do until the 5th month out, select dresses,. And order by 4th month or less, and for me, planning a big shower and cooking full meal, supplying space, dishes tables, etc, takes one planning meeting early on with a hostess, one at 5 months, and 3 days at shower time, with an interval for invitations. . A lot of brides now start planning 15-24 months in advance, instead of the traditional year. And ask bridesmaids far earlier than 9 months, even though there is nothing they need do til under five. This may safisfy the bride, getting things done way before needed. But it is totally unfair for them to push friends and family in their wedding party, or volunteering to plan and host parties, to do things way in advance, when totally unnecessary. . . . . When they agreed to be in your wedding party, if you courteously had a private discussion about budgets, timelines, then the person said yes, they were looking down the road to what time and money they would need in the last 4-5 months before the wedding. . . You are drawing conclusions about this friend a full year before the wedding. And you are doing something that is not polite, monitoring what time or money she spends with others, as though her time or money somehow belong to you. . . . Brides need to not do that. Being in someone's bridal party requires an hour or two when asked. And time in the last 4-5 months, it less. Bridesmaids dresses come in in weeks not months. For all some people stretch out party planning for months, someone who knows what they are doing can do every preparation in days, plus the time invitations are out. Then a couple days work. And showers are usually in the last 3½ months. . . .Please, for the sake of your ling term friendship, stop expecting friend will be steadily available to you. Your wedding date listed here is June 2020. Trust your friend. Because you asked so far in advance, it is pretty likely that one it more of the people you asked will have had other things come up. New jobs, so no time off. Moving. Getting engaged and married themselves. Pregnancies. This is why traditionally brides are advised, never ask before 9 months, and do not expect anything before 4-5 months. . . TV and movies have pushed this idea of team wedding, wedding parties who, once asked, constantly attend to the bride's every contact and whim, for 12 to 20 months. But that is not the way it is it has ever been. And expecting it will only lead to unhappiness for you, and constant friction with your women. For your own good, stop examining what anyone else is doing with their time or money, til next January. Plan your venue, vendors, pick your dress, DIY what you will. Much if it with FI, or anyone in your orbit who volunteers, whether they are in your wedding party or not. Back off now. Any friend ling term has times when they are in frequent contact, and months at a time when jobs, kids, and other social plans, as with romantic partners, take most if their time. So contact is intermittent. That is something weddings do not change. She is probably trying to think of a way to say back off, without causing a fight. So she figures if she does not respond, you will figure she is busy. Let things go a while.🙂 You will enjoy your engagement more if you do not bring unnecessary stress and worrying into it.

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Thank you for your time writing all of this. However, I was advised by DB that the girls need to order their dresses bat least 7 months out before the wedding. I do not have BMs that live near me. The closest ones I have live 45mins away. Some 3-4 hrs. I have 9 BMs as well and I was told that they need to all order around the same time so that they use the same dye in the fabric (or however).

I do not harp on her nor do I monitor her.. Her posts pop up all over my FB newsfeed.

I talk to her from time to time and it's between 3wks-months in between. I don't "harp" on her. I literally have 1 CUP to give her but it seems like she doesn't want to be apart of it no matter what I do. I was willing to bend over backwards just to meet up with her &/or her kids. I invited them down for diner, a picnic, the park, etc. But it seems like she doesn't value the friendship as I thought she did so I may have to let her go.

I wasn't expecting her to do literally anything other than probably show up for the wedding and bridal shower. I explained to her that I understood how busy she was (considering I used to work with her & I know her kids).

The last time I seen her, her daughter was born (almost 4 years ago).

I tried to make plans with her even before I met my Fiance and they just seem to keep falling through.

I just don't want to be neglected on my wedding day wondering what I'm going to do now that I am missing a BM. I have someone willing to step in if one of my BMs for whatever reason can't, I'd just like to be courteous to her as well and give her a heads up.

My bad for trying to be considerate & putting out there that I'm a worry wart.

No wonder I barely ever post anything on here or FB. Everyone is SO QUICK to judge but don't understand the circumstances.

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I've suggested that! I've also suggested just meeting at the park so she can bring her kids to play. I have suggested so many different things. But being that I've been trying to hang out with her just to give her A CUP, and it's been 3 months since I've been trying, I really just don't know what to think.

View Quoted Comment You never mentioned in your initial post that you had not seen her in 4 years. It surprised me that you asked her to be in your wedding party to begin with. . . . Aside from that, someone at David's Bridal has been giving you a hard sell, pressuring to get sales by making you believe you must order extremely early. Since this issue will come up with your other 9 bridesmaids, you should check on other posts here on WW on how long it takes bridesmaid dresses to come in to David's Bridal. . . . David's iwn company policy says: it takes 2-3 months for designer and custom bridesmaid dresses to come in ( the very expensive ones) , and most other David's bridesmaid dresses, 6-8 weeks. I just double checked to make sure I remembered right. And their bridal timeline guide for the year of all things a bride should do says under 3-4 months out, check to see your bridesmaids have ordered or are ordering their dresses and accessories. Which is not what their official published timeline would say if necessary to order 5-6 months out. Ask anyone on here: it does not take 3-4 months to alter a bridesmaid dress or hem it. And ordering at 4-5 months out or less makes it much less likely many alterations other than hemming will need to be done at all. The longer out you buy them, the more likely the BM is to change sizes. And buying too soon, a BM may be unhappy to pay $250 to alter a $225 dress, spending $475 on a dress, because she changed too much. . . .I have been in a huge number of weddings. Mine was #40. And many since then. Any from David's have usually come in in 2-4 weeks, though once it was 6 weeks from order day. And only occasionally has anyone else in the bridal party had as long as 6-8 weeks, only special orders in a fabric colors the gown is not usually made in. These times are without a rush fee. Over and over posts come on here. And you can do a search on the knot, or the web in general. 2-6 weeks is what most people say for their dress for BM at David's, and an occasional 8-10 weeks, 2¹½ months at most. Which means from David's, dress shopping 4 to 5 months out at most, and ordering around 4 is a wide enough order time. . . As for dye lots: once upon a time, when single factories in the US made gowns if all natural fibers, ordering all gowns at once would increase the chances gowns all were cut from one batch if dyed fabric. But that has not been true for years and years. Someone is using that to push you. I worked for 2 major gown manufacturers, and later did custom alterations through salons. In recent times, unless you are spending over $1000 on a bridesmaid dress ( like David's sells) it is synthetic. Dye lots do not change. The dye is in the plasticky liquid polyester before the thread is made, and computer set. This or that lot of cotton, wool, or silk, may take dyes differently. Not poly silks and such. Different factories may be more or less careful, so all from one factory May differ from all from another factory. But in modern gown making for David's and other big retail outlets, BM dresses are outsourced to a group of usually overseas factories, a few US. And all go to Central distributor warehouses. So if you order 20 dresses alike, at once, they may come to the order filling distributor at five different times, from one to four factories. They will not have been cut from one lit of fabric, necessarily, even those from the same factory May have been made months and months apart. So do not let David's staff, worried about their commissions and wanting you to buy early, all at once, from them, use the dye lit fairy tale to convince you to buy early. You walk into a David's at 4 months out, or 3 1/2 months out, and they say come right in, certainly your order will be in on time, no problem... Cause now they are not going to miss orders by saying, you should have come months ago. The reality is, the dresses will take no longer than 8-10 except pricey designer and special order BM gowns. My cousin in Greenland ordered in the Boston area and it was shipped and arrived in Greenland in 8 weeks. . . If you have been so disconnected from your BM that you have not seen her in 4 years since her daughter was born, I am surprised you asked, or she said yes. But I still think that her availability a year out from the wedding should not be a deciding thing. She may have plenty of time in the last 4-5 months. But if you are just reconsidering because you have not seen her at all in 4 years, and by the wedding it will be 4 1/2 to 5 years since you were close, that is different. Your call. But how much time a single working mom with kids spends dating boyfriend's, or how many she has dated, really has nothing to do with you. Not does how much she spends, or what she does when not with you. If you drop her for the reasons given in your first post, you will likely end your friendship for good. You asked, she happily accepted, now you would be giving her a slap and dropping her, when she has done nothing wrong. If you don't care enough for that to matter, do it. But then, why did you ask her to begin with?

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If you haven't seen her in almost 4 years and you message with her sporadically, every 3 weeks to several months, why would you expect anything to be different with regards to your wedding? Your relationship hasn't changed and neither have either of you.

FYI, the people at David's Bridal were not telling you the truth. You do not need to order bridesmaid dresses 7 months out, and dye lots are no longer an issue (especially - but not only - if your bridesmaids live all over the place and won't even be ordering on the same day from the same store!). They're pushing you to buy early for their financial benefit.