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Only some of our kids invited

Joan, on January 21, 2023 at 1:06 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 10

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My BIL is getting married. Hubs is the best man, and they asked our eldest to be flower girl. The event will cost our family about $6.5K to attend with travel costs, housing and everything they want us to have etc. (not including showers/bachelors etc) We are going halfway across the country for the wedding and taking significant time off for it. Just found out our other three kids aren’t invited to any part of the wedding. It’s a destination wedding so we won’t know anyone around to ask for babysitting help either so I will have to miss the wedding. I respect that there are kid free weddings and times when kids can’t come to the reception but this is a weird mix.

I am floored and very hurt BUT I am really trying to separate my personal hurt and respond according to etiquette. Am I crazy to think it’s rude to invite one kid but say her siblings aren’t invited? Who will watch my eldest when her only parent is Best Man and seated at head table? What is etiquette on this?

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10 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on January 27, 2023 at 7:23 PM

VIP August 2021
Michelle · on January 21, 2023 at 5:30 AM
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I would decline, send BM only. The couple who wants a child-free wedding should pass on the flower girl and ring bearer. It's boring for the kids, awkward for other families, and in your case stressful in one entire family. Head tables are old fashioned as well. If you go with your spouse as one adult social unit, would you then be seated separately? If so, decline and stay with the rest of your family. None of these etiquette faux paus I would bring up to the bride and groom, so I would just say no, you cannot lend your children out.
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Joan · on January 21, 2023 at 8:14 AM
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So we actually already agreed to the flower girl role because we just assumed they’d be aware of basic manners and that all our kids would at least be able to come to the ceremony if they’re asking the parents and one kid to show up. They made a massive show and gave her a bunch of gifts etc. I feel stuck. How do we celebrate with them when we feel like they’ve put us in a hard position and just expect little children to not be hurt by this.
I need to add, we are very close. Me not showing up will be something I hear about from the whole family for years. But I feel like they are the ones making this impossible.
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VIP August 2021
Michelle · on January 21, 2023 at 8:23 AM
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So they expect half the family to show? Ask them outright what will your 3 other children do during the wedding? In the silence, inform them you must stay home to watch your kids. I think you cannot be blamed for Mom duty, though Moms get crap every which way. They can get Dad & daughter for their ill-planned destination wedding.
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Master October 2023
Cece · on January 21, 2023 at 8:57 AM
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I would turn the tables on them. Give them the options that work for your family and make them choose.
Child-free weddings are very popular, and definitely not rude. However, inviting one child from a family of multiple children for a destination wedding is definitely inconsiderate! Typically, a child-free destination wedding would not include a flower girl or ring bearer. When a couple chooses to have a child free wedding, they also choose to accept that could mean individuals with children will not be able to attend.

I see from one of your responses that non-attendance by you is not an option- Is it possible that your parents or someone from your family could watch the children (either at home or travel with you to the wedding?)
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Joan · on January 21, 2023 at 10:27 AM
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While I love the idea of a getaway with hubs, my parents have contracts overseas that won’t allow them to help. My sister has a new practice and can’t take time off any time soon.
Since its destination, it’s just hard.
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Joan · on January 21, 2023 at 10:30 AM
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I do think your suggestion to let them choose from what would work for us is good…I’ll have to talk with hubs about what these options could be.
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Super July 2022
Shannon · on January 21, 2023 at 1:35 PM
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That is incredibly rude on their part. They basically forced you to either decline entirely or leave your other children home alone while you travel across the country.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on January 21, 2023 at 3:38 PM
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That's very rude. They don't have an etiquette leg to stand on. I would decline all of that. $6500 is a LOT of money for one day. I would not attend as a partial family.
Destination + kid-free weddings are a difficult combination and when you plan an event like that you need to be OK with some declines.
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Super October 2023
Kelly · on January 23, 2023 at 5:26 PM
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In my opinion, child free weddings should not have flower girls or ring bearers that are children. This just seems really rude. The way they asked your daughter to be flower girl also seems manipulative. You could ask them to provide a sitter for your daughter so you can actually be a guest at the wedding.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on January 27, 2023 at 7:23 PM
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Yes that is rude. Unfortunately some couples don’t view it that way, nor do they recognize the inconvenience for the parents. You have the option to decline the invitation, including husband stepping down from the position, which is your best bet.
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