Only child at reception

You are not being unreasonable. You are asking for one evening/one event to be about you and your fiancé. She is 9 years old!- that is old enough to understand and also way too old to need to sit on her father’s lap at events. If she is that needy, I would arrange for her to leave with a sitter after the ceremony, and explain to her that the reception is for adults. Arrange a fun evening for her with the sitter- maybe having a friend sleep over, go to a movie, go roller skating, bowling, etc. You could also have her leave after dinner, but that may be putting you at risk for a scene/tantrum at your reception (if she’s super needy / codependent). I would be very concerned if your fiancé gives push back on this. If he cannot dedicate one evening to you as a couple, I fear you will always be less of a priority and your needs will always come second to his child.

Yes, a nine year old ought to be capable of understanding what is appropriate in different situations. That's on FI. But IMO your future stepdaughter is one of the three most important people at this wedding. They aren't my thing, but one of the reasons couples do a sweetheart table is because they are rarely sitting down. Personally, I'd sit with the daughter and close family or friends who can watch over her when you are making the rounds. I'd give a heads up to those people, who will hopefully prioritize her more than they will their drinking. I will never understand why people think weddings are the time and place to get drunk.

Maybe you can compromise, she can have a seat next to your FH, and maybe also have parents or siblings at like a head table type of situation. Then maybe have someone pick her up after the dinner, so there isn't any need to watch her while people are drinking.

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I agree with this.

OP, 9-year old's don't need to be spoon-fed. A parent's wedding is an appropriate time for inclusion with boundaries. I hope you find a compromise, but be cautious if your partner pushes back because this conflict will repeat itself if he allows it.

This sounds like it could possibly turn out to be more than just a one-night problem. If he's already having issues allowing you to be the center of his attention on your WEDDING DAY, this is a huge red flag. I would make sure you're both on the same page about parenting in general, before you seal the deal

Went to a wedding with a similar situation. Groom had daughter from previous relationship.

Two of the bridesmaids were tasked with watching the daughter while the bride and groom enjoyed the evening. She had a seat next to the bride actually. Mr. and Mrs. table was a single table that had two long tables winged out to each side (bridal and groom party on either side).

I would suggest a compromise - a seat next to him by putting the wedding party table near you guys. But also have a sitter watch his daughter - with the stipulation they can't be drinking that evening. Even better, hire a teenage relative that is already going that you feel would be willing to help you. Don't be cheap, pay them, even if it's just $50-100 for the night.

My dear, she is his daughter, you will have to deal with her all your life, and she will always come first. It's your day but he is her father and it is his responsibility to take care of his daughter before any relatives do.If he wants her in the table, is his choice. Is his wedding and his day too..

I think 9 is old enough that she doesn't need a babysitter. The best spot for her would probably be with her grandparents (so you or your FH's parents) if possible. In my experience, if there's just one kid or a few at weddings, they wander around and dance and don't spend it all with their parents. She's definitely too old to sit on anyone's lap. Everyone there will be watching out for her, he shouldn't worry too much 😊