ColoradoAshley
Dedicated October 2018

One Bridesmaid backed out

ColoradoAshley, on March 30, 2018 at 4:16 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 24
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I'm such a confusion of emotion. I'm understanding; I'm saddened; I'm angry.

One of my longest friends called me last night to tell me that she can't be in the wedding anymore. She just had a baby and can't imagine leaving the baby or traveling with the baby and financially it hurts her. While I understand these things, truly I do, I am really sad that she won't be by my side. Our group of friends will be missing one. I'm angry because I feel like these are things she can manage but chooses not to (though I am well aware that I am not in her shoes and cannot judge). And... overall, I feel really sad that our friendship isn't as important to her than I thought.

No advice needed, just wanted to say it all out loud.

24 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on April 2, 2018 at 3:51 PM
  • Ashley
    Dedicated April 2019
    Ashley ·
    • Flag
    I’m sorry you are going through that. Friendships are strange especially once you get older and are dealing with marriage and children. So sorry that happened Smiley sad
    • Reply
  • muriel
    Champion June 2018
    muriel ·
    • Flag

    You are giving mixed messages. While you say you understand and cannot judge, you are judging the value she places on your friendship by her decision not to be a bridesmaid.

    • Reply
  • rica
    VIP September 2018
    rica ·
    • Flag

    Sorry that's happening. I'm in a wedding coming up for the first time and wondering why bridesmaids complain about the cost so much. I've literally only had to pay for the dress, and the bride even offered to help since it was more expensive than we thought (I declined). I also bought shoes, but could have made due with something in my closet if I wanted to. Perhaps you can ask her to still just stand with you on the wedding day even if she wants to bow out of any other activities?

    • Reply
  • M
    Expert July 2018
    Melissa ·
    • Flag
    I have a bridesmaid who will deliver 1.5 months before my wedding. She lives on the othee side of the country. All the said she said yes to being in the wedd
    • Reply
  • Sweet Lynn
    Dedicated November 2018
    Sweet Lynn ·
    • Flag
    I had to decline not only the invitation to be a bridesmaid but I had to decline the invitation to the wedding as a whole...to my SISTERS wedding......not only my sister's wedding in Ca... but my brothers wedding in Italy. It hurt me just as much as I'm sure it saddened them. But I was a single mom. And there wasn't anyway I could afford that...at either times. I wanted to be there more than anything... but wanting to and being able to are two different things. Have mercy on your friend . It's an awful position to be in.
    • Reply
  • M
    Expert July 2018
    Melissa ·
    • Flag
    Sorry... My phone is crazy.... Let's try again

    I have a bridesmaid who will deliver 1.5 months before my wedding. She lives on the othee side of the country. All the said she said yes to being in the wedding, has been very active, and has bought her dress, I have prepared myself for the phone call that she won't make it. I know how insane it can be to be a new and balance things so I don't want to put to much pressure. I talked to hee about it and let her know, I won't be mad at her but I will be sad she can't be by my side, but at the end of the day she has to do what is best for her and her family.

    I am sorry that you are losing a bridesmaid, but try to be understanding that being a new mom is tough and sometimes can be overwhelming to manage everything. I know it doesn't make it better, but I am sure she wants to be there for you just as much as you want her there.
    • Reply
  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
    • Flag
    She’s not undervaluing the friendship, she’s just in a very weird, very new place right now. And scary and overwhelming (and way undersleeping!) place right now.

    Im super sorry for you that this friend can’t stand by your side!

    But give her some time to adjust to motherhood. By the time your wedding rolls around, she may be more secure in her new roll. Be sure to invite her still in the hopes that maybe she can attend as a guest— there’s a big difference between that (an event that maybe she can do with her whole family) and all of the other bridesmaids-y events. It’s tough as it sounds like she doesn’t want to let you down. But stepping down to do so is another let down. Such is life, just make sure to be there for her as a friend in this bewildering time!

    just give it a little time to process. Smiley heart
    • Reply
  • AQuixoticBride
    VIP July 2018
    AQuixoticBride ·
    • Flag

    I understand you being upset, plus it looks like your wedding is like six months away - so on one end, it's good that it's not last minute, but on the other end, it seems that she should be able to work it out before then. Is she planning to not come to your wedding at all? Sorry you're having this disappointment, hopefully you don't let it fester and damage your relationship.

    • Reply
  • E'Delana
    Devoted July 2018
    E'Delana ·
    • Flag

    I'm like in the opposite situation, my MOH is pregnant and due the week after my wedding and my wedding is out of town (4 hours) and she will not be able to make it. She is going above and beyond trying to find ways to come but I keep telling her it is okay and not to stress about because one she can't ride that far away(doctors orders). It is possible she might have the baby early but that could still make it hard to come that far.


    I know it sucks and you want her there but regardless of how close you guys are it is hard to really know what someone can and can't afford. Just stay positive and maybe she can work things around and be able to make it or if it is just being a bridesmaid maybe she can be a guest.

    • Reply
  • plangalCG
    VIP May 2018
    plangalCG ·
    • Flag
    Yeah, someone’s baby overrules wedding. I know how it feels as friends start to have different priorities and drift away. It stinks, but don’t hold it against her. I don’t have kids, but they do completely take over!
    • Reply
  • S
    Dedicated October 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    I've had two bridesmaids and one maid of honor back out of my wedding. For a while I thought it was me! I was actually without a maid of honor for a while until one of my bridesmaids stepped up. My sister can't be in the party because shes in school full time, and the other two have travel issues. So I'm down to two bridesmaids and one maid of honor.
    • Reply
  • ColoradoAshley
    Dedicated October 2018
    ColoradoAshley ·
    • Flag

    Thanks all for your kind words. As I said, I am a plethora of emotion and "understanding" comes first. She is a good friend and she only knows I support her. I would never let her know that I was sad or hurt because that helps in no way, hence I'm just sharing my emotions with strangers. lol

    I'm a mom as well. She's new at this and can't see past today; I get that.

    • Reply
  • Kiley
    Super February 2019
    Kiley ·
    • Flag
    I think that your friend is probably in a hard place right now and while it's sad to not have her next to you on your wedding you should be understanding of that and not let it impact your relationship.
    • Reply
  • L
    Expert June 2018
    LeeAnne ·
    • Flag
    Having kids myself it gets very hard financially when on maternity leave to do a lot of things so try to be super understanding also before I had my first I thought I would have enough energy after to do anything & everything & while it's a good thought it's just not reality you are so tired & its a struggle to even get yourself ready everyday!! This is going to sound like a weird idea but I seriously know people that have done it... is put that person on video chat to have them "walk down the aisle & be by your side" just have another bridesmaid " walk with her" again I know it's a little off the wall but it's a way to have her still be there by your side
    • Reply
  • FutureMrsR
    VIP May 2018
    FutureMrsR ·
    • Flag

    Something that may seem so simple and easy to you has probably been hounding your friend for weeks. I wouldn't take it as a measurement of how important you are to her, but rather, she is probably heartbroken to be missing your special day -- but she can't justify the added stress of what is essentially just a party on top of everything she has going on right now. You'll never know what's going on behind closed doors in her house or what she may have on her plate. Don't assume she's doing this to upset you or because she doesn't care -- she really just might not be able to mentally, physically, or financially handle it right now. And that has to be okay.

    • Reply
  • C
    Master January 2019
    Cassidy ·
    • Flag
    I know how you feel. My longest friend is stationed across the country, her husband is in the air force, and husband is proably deploying and they don't know where. They have 2 small kids. Since she doesn't know what life will look like she had to decline. Even though I figured she would, I was still upset. But I know she loves me would be there if she could.
    Im sure your friend still values your friendship and would stand beside you if she could.
    • Reply
  • Alysia
    Devoted September 2018
    Alysia ·
    • Flag
    I do empathize that you're sad and angry about your friend, and understand that people feel the emotions they feel and you can't always rationalize emotions away, but your post doesn't sound very empathetic to your friend at all. You say that she chooses not to manage things you think she should be able to manage - I think that's really unfair of you. What if she's dealing with post-partum depression and physically can't manage the things you're expecting of her? Maybe instead of being upset with her, reach out to her and make sure she's doing ok. Having a baby can be overwhelming. She might be having a really hard time.


    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    Master September 2018
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag

    I just had this happen too, understand and move on, nothing can be done about it. It must have taken a lot for her to back out.

    • Reply
  • Going to the chapel
    Master July 2017
    Going to the chapel ·
    • Flag

    My sympathy is with your friend. She's a new mom, dealing with new emotions, new fears, little sleep and hormones. So many hormones. She's looking at today and thinking that there's no way she could go to a wedding with the way her life with baby is today. Six months from now her life will be completely different, but she just can't see that yet. And she's right. Babies are expensive little beings. I do have to agree with Alysia. I don't see much empathy in your posts. Try and remember that babies always trump weddings.

    • Reply
  • Mrs. Fall Bride
    Master October 2016
    Mrs. Fall Bride ·
    • Flag

    I don't think the fact that she doesn't want to leave the baby she just had means your friendship isn't important to her. That's not fair to her to say that, and you do sound pretty judgmental about it.

    • Reply

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