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Michelle
Rockstar August 2021

Older couples: did you feel more $ pressure?

Michelle, on January 25, 2022 at 12:04 PM Posted in Planning 0 24
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Another post got me thinking about societal pressure and how we are influenced. If you are older and having a first, second, or third marriage, do you feel pressured to have a bigger or more lavish wedding because others expect you to have (and spend) more money on your wedding?

On the flipside, do you, younger couples, feel more free to think outside the box (if paying for your wedding)?

24 Comments

Latest activity by Cece, on January 27, 2022 at 2:35 PM
  • Rachel
    Dedicated October 2023
    Rachel ·
    • Flag
    Second marriage here (we will be 36 and 39 when we get married) and we're eloping. People have seemed thrilled that we're not doing a big wedding and absolutely supportive of an elopement. We will not be doing a reception after our trip or anything. (Personal preference!)


    Unknown to anyone but us and my best friend we're spending way more on our 2 week elopement/honeymoon than our first weddings combined. Haha! We have the money and honestly rather spend it on ourselves vs a party for other people.
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  • Cece
    Master November 2022
    Cece ·
    • Flag
    We are in our 30s, so older than the average age to get married. I actually feel the opposite! - that people think since we are older we don’t need to have all the bells & whistles and should have a more “sensible” wedding or just go to the courthouse.
    • Reply
  • Melinda
    Expert March 2022
    Melinda ·
    • Flag

    We are in our mid thirties and if both of our second weddings. His was an elopement in a front room, mine I was 20 and the grooms mom planned the entire thing and I hated it.

    Now that we are having a wedding we have gotten a lot of comments stating that we are wasting our money and why would we not just get eloped since it is a second marriage.

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  • Christy
    Devoted April 2022
    Christy ·
    • Flag
    Older bride here 🙋🏻‍♀️ (42, my 2nd marriage. He’s 30, his 1st). No pressure at all to have a bigger wedding. We are have a small wedding (50), dinner reception only, no registry or wedding shower. All his idea & I was fine with it. I think many younger couples may feel the pressure to have a big party due to friend circles. Personally, I’m thrilled that we are skipping the template, doing things our own way. It’s given us an opportunity to focus on the more emotional & personal elements of the wedding. But there have been moments where I’ve considered it would’ve been easier to plan a bigger wedding (hello guest list)!
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  • Orianna
    Dedicated December 2022
    Orianna ·
    • Flag

    We're on the "older" side (we'll be 36 and 39 at our wedding) but its both of our first marriages. We've had some people question why we aren't spending more to get the more expensive venue etc. since we're "older" and "can afford it". Yeah, we can. But we also know we want to move into a larger home relatively soon and are tucking away our funds for our lives, not just the day.

    We're spending money on the stuff that we want to spend on, and not letting anyone dictate to us how much is the "right" amount. For me, at the end of the day, it's just a day. The marriage is the important thing, the wedding is a fun day that we'll think back on fondly. But we're not willing to compromise our future lives to impress people with a really lavish wedding.

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  • Levi
    Savvy September 2022
    Levi ·
    • Flag
    2nd marriage for both of us. I previously had a big wedding and he previously had a very small wedding. We’ve come up w meeting in the middle. As we discuss ideas more it’s getting smaller and costing less bcz we don’t want a big fuss, just for everyone to have a good time. We aren’t doing most of the expected traditions i.e. bouquet toss, dj, toasts, guest book, rsvp, gifts, big wedding party, photos (only 2hrs), garter, formal seating arrangements, send off, etc. All of which lessens our anxiety while planning the big day!
    • Reply
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
    • Flag
    We were an older couple (44/56 when we married. Opposite! We planned what WE wanted. No pressure. We spent less than what we would have in our 20’s… plus it would have been a lot of parental financial support back then which usually comes with strings! #noregrets
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar August 2021
    Michelle Online ·
    • Flag

    Thank you for all sharing! I'm enjoying reading your stories and experiences. My hubs and I are mid-40s, 1st marriages for both of us. I was all ready to be uber alternative; husband was actually more traditional and wanted the big show. The grander the event space, the more he wanted to share with friends. I tried to contain him with arbitrary budget constraints, and he quelled my urge for specialty LED lighting like the fight scene in John Wick 3. We settled on red velvet, premium bar, and a church ceremony.

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  • Michelle
    Rockstar August 2021
    Michelle Online ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Did they use those words? That is not nice. Love is love and worth celebrating every time. Best wishes.

    • Reply
  • Melinda
    Expert March 2022
    Melinda ·
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    Unfortunately that was verbatim what my uncle said. Ugh, family. Thank you for the well wishes!

    • Reply
  • B
    VIP July 2017
    Becky ·
    • Flag

    We were both in our mid 30s, and we felt much freer to have the wedding we wanted. I think if I had been younger, I may have let myself be swayed more by "what has to happen." We even toured a venue where the owner/coordinator was very much you "need" to have: ushers, a bouquet toss, a garter toss, programs, etc. - we had none of those things.

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  • mrswinteriscoming
    Rockstar December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
    • Flag

    When my parents got married it was my mother's second wedding and my father's fourth (he legally adopted me) and they were both in their 50s and had already had the 'big white wedding' and didn't want any of that. For them all that was important was having their nearest and dearest present so they had a simple but beautiful ceremony in my aunt's backyard and then rented out our local chinese restaurant for a banquet dinner.

    I got married last year and even with our small wedding, it was not cheap and we couldn't have done it without the financial help we graciously were gifted from both sides of the family. We had our dream day but I don't think it had anything to do with our age, just moreso that it was our first wedding (and hopefully the last!) and wanted something all out.

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  • Candace
    Super March 2022
    Candace ·
    • Flag
    We're in our forties and my first marriage, his second. I have not felt pressure to spend more or less, but I do feel a sense of financial responsibility. I realize that I'm spending money that won't be invested and it's money I could have saved. Yes, that hurts a little bit. But I also realize that life is short! When I look back on my life, I want to be able to say I spent time, effort, and money to have this great celebration with my lover and our friends and families with no regret! We laughed, drank, and filled their bellies! We provided music for them to dance all night and we'll have beautiful pictures to show forever, even when we're gone.
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Devoted February 2023
    Kristen ·
    • Flag
    Not my first marriage here. I’m going big with this wedding. Not because I feel I need to - it’s simply a matter of my taste. I’m much further along in my career, too, than when I first got married, so I have the means now.
    • Reply
  • Sloane
    Super May 2022
    Sloane ·
    • Flag
    Well it seems I’m the oldest bride in her 53 and he is 60. My third his second. We would be totally comfortable eloping but by default and due to cultural traditions are wedding is large and lavish more than I would like it to be. But tradition calls. I will not even mention the cost but it’s a lot and will be well worth it. We figured let’s go out and do it big as we will never do it again.
    • Reply
  • Christy
    Devoted April 2022
    Christy ·
    • Flag
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    tenor.gif
    That is awesome!
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    From family/friends or outside media? Neither honestly. We went in knowing exactly what we wanted and we are not budging from that. If you are pressured by anyone into something you don’t want, then you are doing it for the wrong reason because other people have already gotten married or they have time in the future and they have no business bullying anyone into any decisions outside of their budget or comfort zone. If you are pressured by anyone whether it’s family or Pinterest and unable or unwilling to be assertive, you make the choice to be swayed by what they say is the “only acceptable choice”. Thankfully everyone we know is supportive of our choices even if it isn’t something they would pick themselves.
    • Reply
  • Sloane
    Super May 2022
    Sloane ·
    • Flag
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    Awww thanks Doll!
    • Reply
  • PermaGrin
    Dedicated June 2022
    PermaGrin ·
    • Flag

    2nd marriage for me (40) and first for FH ( 38) .

    I have a found a mix of both actually. When we were having the fancy hotel venue with all the trimmings - everyone was saying we should "splurge" and "treat ourselves" to all the extras... even though we didn't want them - just because we "could" and both have successful careers.

    When we get fed up with all the changing guidelines to the venue and moved this to a lower key catered - backyard shindig - everyone has been super supportive and saying how they love the backyard weddings.

    So truthfully the same people who were saying we "had to have the upgraded linens" and "had to have the floral centerpieces" are now completely on board and supportive of lower key backyard style and tell me not to waste the money and use the linens the caterer supplies and get creative with DIY centerpieces.

    That being said- I do know there are a few family members that will look down on the backyard event - I do dread some of their comments almost enough to cancel the invite.

    • Reply
  • Pat
    Expert May 2023
    Pat ·
    • Flag

    Pressure? LOLOL I could give two ..... you know whats .... about others expectations. I'll be 66 when the big day comes around, and it's #3 for me (also #3 for FH). I think the older brides have it SOOO easy compared to you youngsters. I have NO family drama - nobody telling me I have to invite great Aunt Mary and her 7 kids <grin> ( hell, most of my relatives are deceased) There is no wedding party drama as we are all older and somewhat wiser. I can plan whatever kind of celebration my FH and I really want without well meaning relatives (or friends, really) trying to tell us it isn't in fashion. Seriously, we want amazing food, good music and lots & lots of laughter. We still have a budget - it may be a bit more flexible than the younger couples because we own our home and have no worries about saving for a family (EEEK!!). All in all? I think older brides have it "made in the shade".

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