NWR: Adult child of divorce

Do you feel the virtual hug I'm sending your way?

I was ALMOST the adult child of a divorce this year myself. It affected everything - from my work, to my relationship, to my emotional well being. It's hard. All of that is hard. I don't have advice besides seeking professional help. It's what my parents did to begin solving their marriage, and it's what I did for myself with much different issues about two years ago.

A professional can help you begin to tackle this life change.

@president I can definitely feel the virtual hug, thank you. FH told me that I should go in and talk with someone and that he would come with me. I definitely think its something I should do. I'm glad your family was able to work through things thats always great to hear!

Alissa, I am so sorry you're dealing with this! My parents have been divorced since I was 3, so it's something I've been used to my whole life. But I was 21 when my dad cheated on my stepmom (who he had been married to for 12 years) and left her for his other woman, who he know lives with. Even though I didn't live with them/they didn't raise me, it was still horrible. I still can't deal with this woman my dad is dating/living with...they have caused so much trouble during wedding planning for me and it's been horrible. I don't really have great advice, all I do is vent to FH about how upset I am with my dad.

In terms of the drinking with your mom, you should check out AlAnon, which is a group for family members and loved ones of alcoholics. My FH is in recovery, and both AA and AlAnon have been so helpful to us through the years. Good luck with everything. Sending you prayers and good thoughts!

Hugs.

Divorces are hard on everyone, not just the people getting them.

Although I wasn't quite an adult when my parents were divorced, I was older and fully aware of everything going on.

I saw both sides of this(both my mothers and fathers feelings/actions) after the separation and ultimately 4 years later their divorce.

People move on in their own ways, and at their own speed.

As we get older I assume we have a better concept of who we are, and what we want/need out of relationships, making it sometimes easier/quicker to find a person who fits those attributes.

Be there for both your parents.

It's definitely hard to see one parent seemingly okay with the situation, while the other one is struggling.

Sometimes it's best to take a step back from the situation.

Definitely look into counseling for yourself.

I'm sorry for what your family is going through.

Virtual hugs coming your way from me too! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this right now, it's extremely hard but to echo the other PP talking to someone might help you out big time. Please keep us updated, we're all here for you.

PS: @Kathryn are we long lost siblings? I'm in the same situation as you.

I'm so sorry :-( My parents divorced each other once when I was 11 (the process started when I was 8...) and then again when I was 23 (weird, long story). It's so hard to go through no matter what the age. I also suggest counseling as it helped me work through a lot of things my family wasn't willing to help with or join in on.

*hugs*

@French I am so sorry! It's truly the worst. My dad's gf is potentially boycotting my wedding (which I don't have a problem with) because my family had 2 showers, my mom's side threw one and my dad's side threw one, and I only invited the mistress to one shower since my stepmom would be at the other. She & my dad ganged up on me, he told me I wasn't ready to get married, was a horrible person, etc...it's been nothing but drama and I just cannot wait for it to be over.

I might be naive because I'm younger, but it's just so frustrating when adults can't act like adults

I'm really sorry you're experiencing this! *internet hugs*

Hugs! No matter the age divorce is hard. AlAnon is a great resource that may offer some help and comfort.

Ugh, divorce is the actual worst- no matter what age! You can be 12, 25, or 40 and divorce is still a total B.

My parents split when I was 12 and, like your dad, they both threw themselves into new relationships before the divorce was final. I was pissed and I couldn't understand why they couldn't just give it some time before they introduced strangers into mine and my siblings' lives. Looking back, I think it was a mixture of irrationality, coping with newfound loneliness, and really just wanting to explore the dating world again after being with the same person for so many years. I know none of this helps your situation, but just know you aren't alone! *Hugs*

Internet hugs from a fellow ACOD (I was 23). Try to keep looking forward and remember that you can't change other people's behavior. Also, find a good therapist. I would have fallen down the crazy tree and hit every crazy branch on the way down if I hadn't found a therapist I trusted. It *will* get better.

My mom was in her early 20s when her parents divorced. I know she had a difficult time watching them move on and navigating everyone's happiness at major celebrations like her wedding and eventually, birthdays and special events for me and my little brother. The conclusion she came to is that she didn't make that choice to divorce, so she didn't need to choose between her parents when inviting people to stuff. They had to choose how to handle it. Sometimes, they chose to both show up with their SOs and deal with it, and most of the time, they'd figure out who's turn it was to come.

My FH is also a child of divorce, but his parents split when he was young.

I am so so so sorry you are in this position. Sending hugs!

My parents divorced when I was 17. My mom cheated on my dad, left him, and then left the man she was with. She also took my two sisters while I chose to stay with my dad (had to threaten to file to be emancipated, join the military, and never come back to do so she wanted to make me go with her). I'm so so sorry you're going through this. It's awful, it will get better and it will take time as ppl have said. For me it actually was the best thing to happen to me, but I know you're heartbroken. Just be open to your parents and if any drama/picking sides/trying to get information from you occurs just politely tell them you love them but want to be neutral. They are still you're parents and eventually it will be okay

My parents divorced when I was 15, I remember that first Christmas where we still tried to follow tradition of going to my uncle's house (dads brother) for xmas eve--my dad brought his new gf, I was so upset! I called my sister crying telling her to come pick me up. A huge change that rocks your foundation (and a parent's divorce, whatever age you are) will do that.

My parents remarried other people and were very happy--my step parents really made my parents feel fulfilled, unfortunately both my step parents passed away--one when I was 28, the other when I was 32 it was devastating for my parents. Deep down I think I wanted them to get back together but that's not ever going to happen. What did happen is both my parents get along very well, if I go to Christmas or Father's Day at my dad's house, my mom is invited and goes too. They get along, sitting on the deck gossiping about people they once knew or whatnot. They will both be at my wedding, sitting together at the same table. It feels good that they can get along. I know many divorced parents can't so I feel lucky.

OP, sending you hugs and please look into Al-Anon, I think you'll find some peace and a better understanding of your mother's actions there.

**hugs**

My in-laws divorced two months after we got engaged. My parents divorced 6 months before my wedding.

It sucks.

I would look into counseling.

I'm sorry you are going through this. My parents divorced when I was 15 but were separated before that. My dad had an affair but their marriage was bad beforehand. I would definitely look into counseling; that helped me. Good luck and I am sending a hug your way!

@Alissa I am so sorry you are going through this! It's never easy seeing parents split up no matter how old you are!

While I'm not a child of divorce I know it can be hard on anyone (my parents are the only ones of my dads siblings not remarried) and I saw how hard it was on my cousins.

Much love and virtual hugs to you during this time and it sounds like your FH is super supportive of you and that can make a huge difference in how you process this!

Girl. I feel you. I'm about your age, and my parents are having some serious troubles. No divorce..yet.. and it almost seems worse for wear that way. It hurts to even think about. All I can say is that I've learned, even though it's super difficult, it's important to realize we are adults now and have our own families to tend to. Your parents are going to do what they're going to do. You can offer your support and help, but ultimately, you can't mend the situation. I can imagine it's heartbreaking to stand by and watch your family fall apart. I can't offer any advice from that aspect. It crushes me. Sending you all the vibes!

I went through something very similar and I went to counseling. My mom left when I was 16 years old. Apparently, my mother had been cheating on my dad for years. She is still with this guy and he's always been her #1 priority. I understand your pain. My dad also took on drinking to cope with all the pain. My parents haven't seen each other since the day my mom walked out. I'm inviting them both to the wedding and if they decide to come it will be their decision. Am I nervous? Of course but they need to be adults for one day. My dad and I had a rough time during the separation.I really appreciate him raising my sisters and I.

I'm sorry you're struggling with all this! I can only imagine how you feel! Stay strong.

Sending you lots of hugs!