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Dedicated April 2020

now you tell me??

Marie, on October 29, 2019 at 10:10 AM Posted in Planning 0 4

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Warning: long vent

My fiancé and I got into a fight last night because he told me that he doesn’t actually want a wedding. He wanted to get eloped and to save money. To be completely honest I would have been happy with an elopement... if that was the decision we had made months ago. But we are 6 months away from the wedding now, I’ve spent a lot of time organizing things to this point (no wedding planner so doing this myself, which i enjoy; I hardly ask him for help or to do anything), AND we did Save the Dates on Facebook. So to me it would be more of a humiliation at this point to cancel the wedding because EVERYONE will see that. Family, work friends, friends, etc. It’s just too late now. And he and his mom keep saying “people have small weddings... you could have a small wedding” as if this is all my doing and decision.
I sat him down months ago when we first faced this decision and told him I need him to help me figure out what to do bc I couldn’t keep going back and forth. Either we have a wedding or we don’t. And he made the decision back then to have a wedding and I’ve been planning it ever since. ALSO he is the one who keeps inviting people, making the wedding bigger and bigger. I am ONLY inviting family and 1 friend. He keeps adding work and school friends.

He apologized this this morning and promised me he wouldn’t freak out about the wedding anymore but a part of me is seeing a red flag now. If he wanted to elope from the beginning he should have said that. If he can’t communicate w me now, what does that mean?? He said he wanted to make me happy so that why he chose wedding but I would have been happy either way! The idea of swooping off to elope on a mountain sounds extremely romantic and I would have LOVED it. But it’s not the choice that we made. And to be honest I’m REALLY excited now about the wedding. Our family members are traveling from all over the country to celebrate with us. This might be the only trip they take in 2020, so we should be honored it’s to be with us. And yes this wedding is costing more than we wanted it to, but I’m cutting every corner I can to make it affordable. So far we have paid for the most expensive things, plus our necessities, PLUS some emergencies. Our savings account is lower than I want it to be but we are at a point now where we don’t have to spend any more money until next March, and then about $2000 to finish things up. So to me the money thing is not an issue.

Okay done. Thanks for letting me vent.

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4 Comments

Latest activity by Marie, on October 29, 2019 at 10:49 AM

Dedicated July 2020
N · on October 29, 2019 at 10:38 AM
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My FH did the exact same thing when I confronted him about starting to contribute to the wedding. He threw at me that this wedding was all my idea and he would have been happy eloping and that basically he just wants me to be happy with the wedding and he could careless. He apologized and I haven’t seen him freak out since (it’s been about a month). But I was also very firm with him that his behavior wasn’t okay and made me feel terrible. I pointed out that he agreed to these wedding plans at the time we set the budget (so he was aware of the cost and planning involved then) so he needs to own that decision and suck it up. For him it was a money thing and not feeling like he can contribute as much as I can (which made him feel defeated). So we talked it through and I gave him small but important vendors to pick up the bill for (like the DJ) so he’d feel more ownership over the process.
I feel like this must be some guys defense mechanism or coping for stress I wouldn’t make a mountain out of a molehill over this alone. Just talk it through but be firm that he needs to find ways to express himself to you so he gets what he wants as well.
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Savvy February 2020
Mson · on October 29, 2019 at 10:42 AM
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I understand how frustrating this is. I would simply pray. And I’ll pray for you too, that the wedding planning continues to go as you both originally intended and that his heart would be softened and supported in helping you plan this wedding together. And that all of your hard work would be recognized and that he would be appreciative of that. It will all work out 💙. Keep pressing on!
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Dedicated April 2020
Marie · on October 29, 2019 at 10:48 AM
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Must be a guy thing. In my case my fiancé isn’t paying for anything because he’s in school/not working. The decision to have a wedding before he graduated was based on a meeting with my lawyer (I have been married before and have two kids from that previous marriage; we saw my lawyer to talk about the potential process we’d have to take after he graduates. It’s very likely we will have to move out of state. My lawyer advised that it would be better for us to get married before he graduates, bc it would be more likely the judge will allow my kids to come with... this is an entirely other situation but wanted you to have the info).
He’s schedule to finish school five months after the wedding. About a month before the wedding he will take an important test.
Throughout the planning process it’s always been our agreement that he focus on school and I focus on the wedding. And that’s how it’s been. He hasn’t had to do or work on anything wedding related. Fortunately for us I make more than enough money to support us, my kids, and had a sizable savings for this wedding. Money has not been an issue and my budget shows it won’t be.
But all in all, I’m sure you’re right that him not contributing to the wedding is probably eating at him. He’s not the type to not work. This is weird for him. Just need to talk more to him about this.
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Dedicated April 2020
Marie · on October 29, 2019 at 10:49 AM
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Thank you so much for the prayers. They are truly appreciated.
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