My Fiancé and I got engaged in December in New York City and it was amazing. Over Christmas when my sister had come to visit my family, I had asked her to be my maid of honor at the time she didn’t seem too excited about it but I didn’t think too much of it. fast forward now in May and our wedding is in November. She still has yet to do absolutely anything. She barely responds to me when I ask her for any advice on decorations my best friend is planning my bachelorette party because she works in the travel industry and thought it would be a better idea for her to do so since that is what she does for a living. Now getting my final count for all my bachelorette party she has told me that she is not able to make it because she does not know any of my friends. She is the only one who never responds. At this point I am wondering if it is horrible of me to demote her as maid of honor, and have my best friend be it instead since she obviously has no desire. I still have not asked her straight up if she still wants to be my maid of honor since I know it would create a rift within my immediate family. I really just need some advice on whether or not I am a horrible person if I demoted her as a maid of honor. I obviously still need to have a conversation with her about this but before I have a hard conversation like that, I want to make sure that I’m not being horrible sister. Sorry for the rant!! Any advice is welcome
Latest activity by Jacks, on June 5, 2023 at 12:26 PM
Yes, it would be horrible to "demote" her. What does that even mean? The role is meant as an honor, it's not a job. Her responsibilities are limited to wearing the dress agreed to, showing up when needed and helping out in small ways ( getting dressed, bringing you food, holding your flowers, adjusting your train) as needed on your wedding day, and standing up in support of you. Anything else is voluntary, not something to be imposed.
For example it was not her job to help you plan your decorations or your wedding. That was on you, your fiancee, and your vendors, if any. Bachelorette parties can be fun but they are totally optional. Destination, multi day blow outs have become a huge burden to many women who feel the pressure to attend. She's obviously uncomfortable being with people she doesn't know or is resistant to the travel or the cost. I would drop it.
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100% second this. Asking people to be in your wedding party should be an honor. Not an unpaid job. Your wedding is your own responsibility. It’s not everyone else’s job to stop and do things for you
You don't mention why you asked your sister to be MOH, whether familial obligation or that you're actually close. But, there are lots of reasons why she may have been less than enthused including not living near you, her thoughts on marriage, and not knowing wedding etiquette. Or maybe she foresees your expectations. As the other posters suggest, what your asking is outdated. Today, equity is demanded and your partner is your wedding co-planner. You don't marry yourself. If you're hurt because your sister is unresponsive, call her and ask why instead of assuming. But, don't demote her like a paid worker for not giving you free labor and color ideas. These choices are irreparable.
As others have mentioned, MOH should be a position of honor; not a "job". Your sister hasn't done anything "wrong", per se; and demoting her would be really insensitive. I would suggest leaving your sister in the role of MOH and modifying your expectations of your wedding party.
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It was never acceptable. Actually, probably a lot less so in the past than now, when brides have increasingly imposed all kind of inappropriate expectations on their wedding party.
In the entire history of bridesmaids, the role never has never been a job, even when social media insists it is. There has never been any responsibility for a bridesmaid to plan the wedding or work in any capacity because that is the couple’s responsibility. The only responsibility of any attendant is to purchase (or rent in the case of groomsmen) attire that couple chooses and then show up at the rehearsal and wedding day to support them. Pre wedding parties are always optional and never a requirement.
It is offensive and disrespectful to demote anyone, because it is not a job. When the attendant is asked to step down because the wrong person is asked way too early, the relationship usually ends with it. That is why many people on the forum strongly suggest not asking earlier than 6-9 months before the wedding. And only those whom the bride or groom has a super close current relationship with. Not someone from school they barely talk to or a relative they don’t like. There is no etiquette that demands that a sibling or in law must be asked to stand with the same gender when there is no relationship or friendship. Even when parents pressure you, you do not have to abide by their wishes (they already got married so it’s not a topic for discussion) if it will cause you unnecessary tension to have the sibling or in law stand up with you. Those people can be guests and it is not offensive to do so even if social media claims it is.
You can't debate having someone in your wedding party once you've asked them. At that point, the time for debate is over. I wouldn't want to be the one sitting opposite her at every future family event once you've demoted her for no reason.