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Imani
Master July 2022

Not Sure What To Do

Imani, on August 18, 2022 at 7:06 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 25
Today, my coworker comes up to me and she tells me that she’s upset with me about not inviting her to the wedding. However, I sent her the STD & told her she was definitely invited.


Now, this is also a coworker that worked from home an additional 10 months after everyone else came back to the office. I was under the impression that she wouldn’t come to the wedding, because if she doesn’t want to be at work I’m sure she wouldn’t want to be around 100 people. (Yes, I was wrong to assume. & It should have been her decision) I’m aware of that. Although, her name was on the RSVP. BUT, I never formally gave her an invitation. However, I kept her name on the RSVP list if she decided to come. Fast forward.

She came back into the office June 1st. When she came we talked for about 45 mins to catch up. Neither her nor myself brought up her coming to the wedding but we did talk about. She had the opportunity to ask me about the invitation because her and I are close. So today she’s telling me that she was angry, depressed and hurt because I never sent her an invite. Now, I am the type of person that doesn’t want to ever hurt anyone and I always try to show people I love and care about them. And for her to say that to me hurt my feelings. We did talk about it and I told her about my assumption, but I also told her if she got the STD there was no reason for her to feel as if she was invited. I told her we’re close enough to the point if she felt she wasn’t invited she could have came to me. She said she felt if she would have said anything it would have ruined my day. I honestly don’t know what to do. Do I keep saying sorry?

25 Comments

Latest activity by Makeba, on August 19, 2022 at 10:32 PM
  • Imani
    Master July 2022
    Imani ·
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    She worked from home an additional 10 months because she was afraid of covid.
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  • Hanna
    VIP June 2019
    Hanna ·
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    So you sent her a save the date but not an invitation? Unfortunately that's a major faux pas. She probably got the impression that she was uninvited. This happened to us a few years ago (received save the date, then did not receive an invitation) and it caused some major drama and we no longer speak to the couple in question. I would definitely apologize to her

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  • Lisa
    Rockstar July 2022
    Lisa ·
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    I can understand why she feels hurt: getting a Save The Date indicates that you'll be receiving an invitation. Since she didn't get an invite, she may have felt that she wasn't being included, and it makes sense that she feels upset. She might not have known how to RSVP or otherwise indicate that she wanted to attend, since it can feel awkward to ask someone about an invitation they didn't receive. She also might not have asked about it in early June because she might have thought that you hadn't sent your invites yet. It doesn't seem like you were trying to be malicious or uninvite her, and I see where you were coming from on your reasoning, though sending the invite would have let her make the decision on whether she felt comfortable enough to attend. Other than sincerely apologizing and explaining why you didn't send a formal invitation, I don't think there's too much else you can do at this time. Maybe apologize one more time and plan to take her out to lunch one day?
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  • Imani
    Master July 2022
    Imani ·
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    That’s exactly what she said. She thought she was no longer invited. But, I did apologize. Several times. I even cried because I felt terrible. And I still do. She did say she doesn’t hate me she jus wanted me to know that I hurt her. She always said we can move forward because she loves me. But Idk what else to do. Should I so something special? Get her an I’m sorry card?
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  • Imani
    Master July 2022
    Imani ·
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    She told me she was on the wedding website and she was looking at all the details. She even told me she was going to show up, but she wasn’t sure. I feel so bad about it and I really want to do something for her to show her I’m sorry. I’ll ask her to take her to lunch next week. I know nothing I do will change anything but I at least want her to know I’m truly sorry.
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks Online ·
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    Yeah. She would have taken it that she was uninvited. I am sorry but that was a faux pas. That's of course why we tell people that everyone that gets an STD must get a formal invitation.

    Good idea to take her to lunch! I was thinking maybe send flowers?

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  • Imani
    Master July 2022
    Imani ·
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    I should have known better. I didn’t even think about it. And I feel so bad about it. Should I send them to her home or the office?
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
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    I think to her home, because that's more personal.

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  • Imani
    Master July 2022
    Imani ·
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    You’re right. Thanks Jacks! I’ll do that with a heartfelt note.
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  • R
    Rockstar
    Rosebud ·
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    Oh this is sad, I can see both sides of it.. Was it a mistake not to send an invite yes (but I do understand your line of thinking)and its unfortunate she didn't mention anything prior to the wedding. It sounds like you have acknowledged her feelings and apologized. Try not to beat yourself up over it and move forward. I don't think you need to send her flowers though, maybe bring in a coffee for her or a cupcake or some small sweet treat. Everyone makes mistakes be kind to yourself Smiley heart

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  • Imani
    Master July 2022
    Imani ·
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    Thank you so much Rosebud! I have literally been an emotional wreck all day and I still feel bad. As always, I appreciate you.
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  • R
    Rockstar
    Rosebud ·
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    Aww I m so sad this has been so hard on you, I m a people pleaser and know I d be super upset too. But you apologized and it is very obvious you are sincerely sorry for hurting her feelings, try not to make it in something more than it is. Sending you a big hug, it will be OK. Smiley heart

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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    A save the date is a precursor to the invitation. Unless the wedding is called off, you follow up automatically with an invitation. If you are inviting someone out of obligation, which is discouraged in most cases, don’t send a save the date. Unless you regularly socialize with coworkers outside of working hours such as dinner in your home, not just after work drinks, it’s recommended to not invite them.


    In this situation, she was given the save the date and rightfully was expecting a formal invitation. Her feelings are valid as are yours. Address the apology once and then move on. Do not dwell on the subject because it will create hostility and mistrust to fester.
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  • Imani
    Master July 2022
    Imani ·
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    Thank you so much! ❤️
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  • Imani
    Master July 2022
    Imani ·
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    Thank you so much Michelle! I really appreciate it.
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  • Imani
    Master July 2022
    Imani ·
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    Thanks a lot Lisa!
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks Online ·
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    I hope it works out for you!

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  • Makeba
    Devoted September 2022
    Makeba ·
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    I understand how you would feel this way you do. Covid put us all in awkward situations. So I could see thinking that she would not show up. We had our engagement party during 2021 and purposely only invited a few close relatives because people were still skeptical about attending functions. However I would send the flowers have a heart to heart and move forward. It gets so tough sometimes with deciding who to invite to your wedding. However you will clear your conscience once you talk. Good luck.
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  • Imani
    Master July 2022
    Imani ·
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    Thank you so much!
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  • Imani
    Master July 2022
    Imani ·
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    Thank you so much Makeba! I really appreciate your advice.
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