Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Expert June 2020

Not Sure What To Do Now.

Emly, on June 24, 2019 at 11:59 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 6

Saved

Flag
Hide content

I need some advice..

I'm going to start off by giving a little back story: My dad and I have never really been close.. Its one of those relationships where hes there and we all just pretend that hes always been a great dad even though he has never really been there for me. We don't talk on a regular basis, in fact the last time I've talked to him (besides happy birthday and fathers day texts) was at Christmas. FH and i bought a house over a year ago (45 min from my hometown where my dad lives) And this Saturday him and my stepmom FINALLY made the so incredibly longgggg (sarcasm if you cant tell...) journey to see our house. Long story short, my dad isn't someone I can just talk to, I cant just call him up and ask him things. He also got married and my step mom is very abrasive to put it nicely..

So while my dad and my step mom were over we got to talking about the wedding. FH and I knew from the get go we probably wouldn't be getting any financial help from anyone, so we weren't expecting it. Well out of the blue my step mom brings up the subject of "what can we pay for", now obviously FH and I were shocked that they offered to help so we really didn't know how to respond to them. I said that were not just going to tell them how much to give us but you can take a look at our budget and see if there is an area that they would like to take care of. I started just listing off some things and how much were paying for everything, then our photographer came up.. I found this lady who's pictures I LOVE and she is (well I guess only in my opinion..) a great price at only $900! ... Well my Stepmom was SOO offended by that price and was actually getting mad about it.. She thinks we should use my aunt who took their wedding pictures because she did "such a great Job" (I HATED their wedding pictures, they were just so bad and just not what I'm going for.) My stepmom just went on and on about how she can't believe we would pay that much for a photographer... Like lady are you nuts?? $900 is a fantastic price for a GREAT wedding photographer.. Anyways we got off topic on how much they would like to gift us to put towards we wedding, and left without finishing that conversation. So were really just left in the dark about it.

I don't want to sound bratty but now I have no idea what to expect..Do I bring the topic back up to my dad? Do I leave it alone and continue to plan and save what we already have? Weather or not we get any money from them our budget will stay the same but at the same time it would be nice to know what to expect. We do have some house projects we would like to do and that extra gift could elevate some budget strains so we could fix what we need to at the house.

If you read that whole thing thank you if you were in my shoes how would you handle this..

Flag
Hide content

6 Comments

Latest activity by Melle, on June 24, 2019 at 6:05 PM

Master September 2020
Jessica · on June 24, 2019 at 12:16 PM
Flag

Hide content
I’m in kind of a similar position at the moment, my dad offered to help us out with the wedding and said “you can count on me for a few thousand,” but we had just barely gotten engaged and hadn’t done any research. He’s been busy I guess for he past few months since this conversation, so we’re just focusing on what we can afford. (I also met my dad for the first time when I was 17 and we’ve never been close, I see him very infrequently.) I think it might be best to see if they bring it up again, and it might help the conversation to have a spreadsheet breaking down costs. I’m a visual person, so listing off numbers would be in one ear and out the other, but something to reference might help. As far as handling the photography thing, have you already met with the potential photographer? I’d just say something like “we really love this photographers style and the package works out well for what we want.” Also, $900 is a GREAT deal for a good photographer, most start around $**** in my area. Good luck!
- Reply
Super August 2006
Cassandra7 · on June 24, 2019 at 1:24 PM
Flag

Hide content
Do not count on money from anyone until their check clears in your account. Have the wedding you can afford.
Sounds like "off the topic" and "in the dark" is where your father's wife (and your father) want you to be. Ignore their offers unless they give you a check. (And I wouldn't let them pay for their choice of items; they will control the items and you will end up with their choice of cake or their choice of flowers or their choice of photographer. If, of course, they ever pay for anything. Sounds like your father's wife doesn't want to contribute and does want to control.)
Do not use a photographer you don't like.
- Reply
Super August 2006
Cassandra7 · on June 24, 2019 at 1:29 PM
Flag

Hide content
To answer your specific question: Don't do anything. If they want to contribute they will.
- Reply
Devoted July 2020
Candice · on June 24, 2019 at 1:42 PM
Flag

Hide content
I think you need to let it go for now and see what they say later. Do the photographer you want. Don't count on them gifting anything in the end. If they do, fantastic you can have a nice honeymoon fund or house repair fund after the wedding.

I'm having a hard time where I keep telling people things I don't want to do and they assume it's because of the cost and "gift" it to me. Oh joy.
- Reply
Super October 2019
Jenna · on June 24, 2019 at 1:54 PM
Flag

Hide content
I would leave it be and plan as you already were. If it comes back up and they decide to contribute, it will be a happy surprise. And as others have stated, don't count on that money until you actually have it. If it turns out they give you something for the wedding when it's closer, that will be extra money you can use for house projects. Otherwise, they will have to wait until after the wedding. I'm sorry for the awkward situation she put you in and don't let her pressure you into using a photographer you don't like! You found a photographer that you like and that you can afford and frankly it's none of her business.
- Reply

Legend June 2019
Melle · on June 24, 2019 at 6:05 PM
Flag

Hide content
My brother said the same thing to me in terms of he offered up to pay for something but I never ever budgeted that in. So what I mean is I continued on paying for it out of my pocket and not mentioning it again to him. In the end when he gave me his wedding gift it was cash, enough to pay for what he said and more. But basically don't assume! And it's also kind of awkward to go back and say hey... Can you pay for this like how you mentioned you wanted to? Let them come to you unless you really really really need the help.
- Reply