Not opening gifts at couples shower - sign

View Quoted Comment I'm not sure what fmil put on the invitation, but I am going to maybe send out a group message or something suggesting it to guests if she didn't. I'm glad yours went well! All the guests who have spoken to me about it are really happy there won't be a gift opening. Our plan is to open the gifts in private and take a picture which will go into the personal thank yous.

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"I'm not going to fight someone who wants to do a nice thing for us" SO OPEN THE GIFTS! Here's some insight: I don't think there is one bride in the world who loves opening gift after gift at a shower. I am extremely outgoing and definitely don't mind being the center of attention, and it still made me a little uncomfortable. Throw back a couple of mimosas to calm yourself and be respectful of the people who are taking the time out of their day to come shower you with gifts. There's plenty of time to socialize before and after the gift opening.

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THANK YOU.

View Quoted Comment Please know that you do not have to explain yourself to anyone in this forum over and over again. You aren’t being rude, you aren’t asking for someone you didn’t want, you aren’t doing anything wrong. You’re allowing someone to do something to celebrate you while also maintaining your own personal boundaries. HOW COMMENDABLE! These various celebrations of your live should be a joyous experience, not filled with anxiety. Our American customs are not the only way to do things. Guests can shower you without seeing you open their gifts. That technically makes the moment about them and their satisfaction. This is about you and your fiancé. It’s possible they can shower you in other ways. Maybe play a few wedding shower games (many on Pinterest) or even allow them to fill a pretty box with recipes and romantic date ideas and words of encouragement for you to read on your first anniversary. That way they’ve still “showered” you and you have some lovely things to take home with you. “In luei of opening gifts, please take this time to shower the couple with date ideas, relationship wisdom, recipes, and prayers. The ______ (whomever you decide) will read some aloud to the couple with toasts”. You might even provide a space on the back of the cards provided for addresses to send your thanks. Please. Don’t feel that you must give up autonomy for the sake of customs you have no attachment to.

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I love the idea of including a pic w/ the gift. I am surprised this is so divisive honestly - my mother (who hosted my shower) made the decision to skip the gift opening to spare guests the boredom.

View Quoted Comment My fmil is fine with us not opening gifts, her and my fsil are the ones who suggested it in order to get us to agree to the shower in the first place. It is a couples shower, and my fh will in no way agree to opening gifts.

This post wasn't about whether or not we should open gifts, we are not. I just wanted some suggestions to help my mother in law out because she asked me.

The shower is not about the gifts for us (despite it's name). It has been made clear to guests they do not have to bring a gift, it's just a pre wedding chance to get to know each other as I haven't spent a ton of time with most of them.

One thing I've found about planning a wedding here is that most people seem to do things they and the guests hate ("I don't think there is one bride in the world who loves opening gift after gift at a shower.") Because of outdated etiquette rules and perceived rudeness that most people would rather be rid of.

And for those in this forum, take some time to consider her perspective and her wishes...not your own...produvlctively contribute to the conversation and answer her question or provide relevant suggestions instead of provided your contextually irrelevant opinions. This is about helping her.

I don’t like being the center of attention either, but I opened gifts at my shower. To not open them would be rude, and kind of defeats the purpose of a shower.

View Quoted Comment THANK YOU. I do feel like I'm repeating myself over and over lol. The recipes and date ideas would match our personalities perfectly, thank you so much!

View Quoted Comment Oh wow I looooveeee the idea of the picture! I’m going to steal that idea! What a good one!

I also am am very disappointed by the divisiveness displayed here.

View Quoted Comment We thought it would be a nice way to still acknowledge that we do know which gift was from them and give a more personalised thank you. It was my FMIL who suggested it too

View Quoted Comment That was also FMILs idea, she's full of (what I think ) are great ideas haha. I can't believe it either, I have zero bridal/couples shower experience, and this is already enough to put me off for life!

View Quoted Comment It's not kind of rude, it's straight up rude

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It's funny, i never realized that showers were supposed to be so much about the gifts till i joined WW. among my friends and family showers have always been more focused on being together, having some snacks, catching up with people, celebrating the couple or the individual or the baby or whatever. i'm Canadian so i'm not sure if it's a north-of-the-border (and in your case, UK) kinda thing? there are plenty of ways to make sure your guests know you're thankful for their presence and their gifts--thoughtful thank you notes, connecting with each of them at the event, a thank you toast, etc. it's interesting to me that this is such a polarizing issue.

as someone with serious anxiety, too, i don't think there's anything wrong with being honest about not wanting to be the centre of attention. personal boundaries are important especially when emotional and psychological well being are tied to asserting what you're comfortable with. just because a "traditional" shower setup causes nervousness or panic or discomfort doesn't mean you shouldn't advocate for yourself and figure out a way to celebrate in a way that feels right for you (this is more in general than about OP).

View Quoted Comment Oh great! I am so glad! And I wholeheartedly believe in NOT people pleasing for the sake of opinion based etiquette. I hope that you truly enjoy your celebrations. Please feel free to message me and tell me how things go!

View Quoted Comment I agree with everything you said. I don't dee why boundaries are such an issue on here! I've never been to any kind of shower anywhere, but I never realised how much of a big deal the gifts were until this post lol. The whole gifting thing in the US just seems out of hand to me in general, but I didn't realise so many people would get so upset at the mere idea of someone not wanting to open a gift in front of them. In the UK we don't tend to do showers and if you do take a gift to the wedding or whatever... you wouldn't see the bride or groom open it anyway.

There will be individualized thank yous and the whole day for us will be abo it speaking to and spending time with our guests, which we consider more important than gifts.

View Quoted Comment Amen to that! I’m also terrified that I’ll open repeat gifts and people will be embarrassed or ill open a gift I don’t like an HABE a terrible poker face. Why is any of that even important? It’s not. It’s the materialism and people pleasing peer pressure nature of American culture demanding all of this. Ignore it and enjoy getting married surrounded by your loved ones.

All of the showers I have been to lately are cellophane wrapped gifts and no opening. It's not rude in our circle at all. Most of the time the host puts something on the invite about cellophane wrapping.

View Quoted Comment Absolutely! Thanks to you and everyone else for your advice and input!

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Yes!!! Exactly this!! I get it. A shower is called a shower because the bride/groom/mommy to be is being "showered with gifts." But, the gifts shouldn't be the main focus. Celebrating the bride/groom/mommy to be should be the main focus. And the celebration does NOT have to include opening presents, especially if it makes the bride and groom uncomfortable. The bride and groom will show appreciation for the gifts they get by thanking their guests in person and then again with a thank you card after the shower.

I think it's great what you're doing because it's what YOU BOTH want to do. I like the idea of a sign saying..."in lieu of"... Or maybe a sign isn't needed at all. Maybe the host can make an announcement as a reminder. "As a reminder, gifts will be opened privately by the bride and groom at a later date. In lieu of opening gifts..." Something like that.