Not looking forward to wedding planning...

I've been looking on Pinterest and at numerous wedding blogs, getting input from now-married friends, and so on. I want an intimate, small wedding that is higher quality (because let's face it, $2,000 on food alone might not cut it for 100 guests). We have way more than that - we are anticipating making enough to have at minimum a $10,000 wedding. We both have big families, but we aren't particularly close with most of them, so we would rather have close family members and close friends attend.

I don't know if I want to have it here in the Twin Cities (because I know it can be pricey) or to have it in our hometown, so I have been looking at both. It would be cheaper in the hometown, but we would have several out-of-town guests (still driving up the overall costs), and I dislike my hometown. Having it in the cities would be pricier, but with greater options, not having to accomodate as much for out-of-town guests, and it would be more convenient for myself and my FH to visit and get details done in person rather than via phone or email. Especially considering we are already prepared to plan it all. We have our visions, we just need to make our decisions.

Much of our family lives here in the cities, and few live back in our hometown yet. Yet, when I've had discussions with my mom about keeping my options open and seeing what could work best for us, she gets defensive and says "you're cutting me out of the planning" and "fine, guess I'm not involved". I calmly tell her that I appreciate her excitement, but because we have had to put off the wedding for a while I haven't gotten exact details.

Then she goes to her friends and gossips about the wedding- that I have nothing decided, but we need to get this stuff done, etc.... I just found out from one of them that she's already promised them that they could make a wedding cake. I don't know if there would be a fee from the venue for bringing a food that isn't provided by an approved vendor. So now I have to create control, and possibly offend my mom over a promise she made to a friend, as well as the friend.

I guess I'm just venting. I know I have to be assertive, and re-explain that my FH and I have this money saved up because since we were told that we had to be responsible for the entire wedding a few years back, that's what we are planning on. If she wants to help, I will have some things for her to help me with. But I would really appreciate her keeping the details of the wedding to herself and to us, and not make promises. I would also like it if she would take a step back and be a bit less.. dramatic? I'm trying to figure out tactful explanations.

I wasn't looking forward to it either because I was thinking I had to please everyone and have like 2000 people there I never see otherwise then my mom said we should just do what WE want or elope. So we are doing what we want because it is a celebration for US. I think once you start planning for what you and your FH want you'll become more excited about it once you tell your family and friends that you want it the way ya'll want it. They will understand. I was afraid they wouldn't but they do.

So if I understand this clearly, you and FH saved for this; are any parents contributing money (just trying to understand the landscape a little better)?

It sounds like you're trying to be as thoughtful as possible about this. But ultimately, these are your decisions to make. Choose what will make it happy and easy for you to plan.

Im sorry for all your trouble!! I don't have any advice on this, but would like to wish you all the best and lots happiness!

You are paying, you are saying. Don't talk about your plans, don't give them input on your guest list or anything else.

There is a great thread on small weddings going on right now. Read it and get comfy with making your own decisions.

For an intimate wedding, the venue can be decided much closer to the time. You can use a place like the private dining room of a restaurant, and they tend to book up a lot later than official wedding venues.

As far as your mother goes, I think my go-to response would be, "We really want it all to be a surprise." Or in the case of something like location/venue where that doesn't work, "We've got that under control, thanks." And then change the subject.

If your mom isn't paying then she has no say in who attends. Inviting the entire congregation?!? Yeah right. You also have to feed all those people 30 minutes later.