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Just Said Yes July 2019

Not inviting my cousin

Steph, on December 18, 2018 at 12:13 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 12

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I get along with 95% of my extended family. However, there is one cousin that I cannot stand. I did not send him a save the date, and recently that side of the family contacted my mother to get his save the date "re-sent". They are using the wedding as a family vacation. I do not mind that portion, and want my other cousin, aunt and uncle to come. Just not him.

This side of our family lives almost 2,000 miles away, and therefore only have 4 memories of time spent with him. None of these are good, and all involve him getting completely wasted and being an absolute jerk. In addition to this, he is extremely racist and opinionated about it. This is what I am worried about most, particularly because fiance has close friends and relatives of different races.

My mother wants me to invite him. She is worried about causing a feud within the family. She has said that she will deal with him and I do not have to worry about it. But I know that my fiance and I will be worried the entire day that he's going to call someone an extremely racist name and start a fight.

I don't want to have to be worried about him hurting friends and family that I actually like, just to keep the peace. I adore my mother and do not want to cause problems between her and her brother, but I also don't want to be continuously worried on what should be the happiest day of my life.

How can I let them know that I really don't want him there without causing issues with my family?

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12 Comments

Latest activity by Maren, on December 20, 2018 at 10:41 AM

Champion June 2019
Kenisha · on December 18, 2018 at 12:22 AM
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If you don’t want him there, don’t invite him. If your mother isn’t paying for your wedding then it’s not up to her to decide who can come and who can’t.
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Savvy September 2019
Stacie · on December 18, 2018 at 12:32 AM
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We had a sort of similar incident in my family, except that the family member is closer in relation than a cousin (sister's husband, everyone is on good terms with the sister but not her husband) and lives in town. But he is someone who does not get along with most of the family and honestly for the last ten years they haven't shown up to a single family function (always sick, or something always comes up). Ultimately, my brother did invite him to his wedding not expecting him to attend and to everyone's surprise he showed up. He sat through the ceremony and left before the reception without making a scene. I've debated it a lot but since he managed to behave at my brother's wedding I will likely invite him to mine and hope for the same outcome so as not to cause family problems by not extending an invite to him....
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on December 18, 2018 at 7:25 AM
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I wouldn't invite anyone to my wedding who puts other guests in uncomfortable positions and could possible put their safety in jeopardy.
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VIP September 2019
Melissa · on December 18, 2018 at 8:21 AM
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If you don’t want him, don’t invite him. I have an uncle like this so I understand your situation. We were debating inviting him a few weeks ago while he was on ignorant tirades berating family members on Facebook. I even had one aunt (other side of the family, but both my mom and dad’s sides went to school together so they know each other) say that she would turn the other way and ignore him if he even tried to speak to her. And he has since calmed down after alienating himself from the rest of the family, but I do believe he knows when to act appropriate, so he will be getting an invite. I’m more concerned about my aunt (who he did publicly insult for no reason) starting something with him. I’ve already told her don’t even think of starting anything. Wait til after the wedding to air your grievances.
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Super October 2019
Brittany · on December 18, 2018 at 8:36 AM
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Hi Steph, I get where you're coming from. I have a similar situation. I am mixed, and one of my FH family members is racist. I've never met him. FH and I agree that he shouldn't be invited to the wedding (I fear that he will say something to one of MY family members and cause a scene). There is no way we're inviting him. His parents can come, and the rest of his siblings, but not him. He's been in and out of jail numerous times, I just don't want anything to do with him.

I honestly just don't think it's worth it. Your mom says that she would handle it, but that probably won't stop you from worrying about it on your big day. I would just tell your family exactly what you told us...that you will not tolerate any racist being at your wedding...especially when your FH has close friends/relatives that may be offended by him.
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Expert May 2019
Cynthia · on December 18, 2018 at 9:55 AM
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Eek. Somewhat similar situation here too! You aren’t alone in this category 😊 My FH has a cousin that has actively tried to break us up since the very beginning. (He used to help support her kid financially, and when I came in, his attention switched over to me.) She refuses to acknowledge me even at family events and holidays. He called her when we were putting the guest list together and tried talking to her, but she was still rude and said she didn’t support us. So guess what? She wasn’t invited! Her brother is a pastor and is officiating our ceremony, and the rest of the (wonderful!) family will be attending. This day is all about you and your FH. Don’t let anyone come in and ruin that. Invite who you both want there and people who support you and love you!
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VIP July 2018
Jen · on December 18, 2018 at 9:56 AM
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Unless your guest list is quite small, your Mom will not have the time/focus to keep an eye on this cousin. As the Mother of Bride, it will be a crazy busy day for her too and she'll need to socialize with all the guests, welcome everyone, etc. I know my parents were exhausted by the end of the day. I'm just mentioning this as I don't think your Mom's solution is realistic.
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Super March 2019
Alejandra · on December 18, 2018 at 2:37 PM
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Don't invite him, I have a cousin who just a bubble of negativity. She's been feeding my violent ex information about my wedding and me so I had to drastically cut her off. Luckily my family respects and supports my decision because of their ow experiences with her. I wouldn't have any one at my wedding you didn't fully support us as a couple and respected us as one too. I also would not let me mom deal with this if something were to happen because it should be a happy time for all of us. Best of luck.
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Super December 2018
Alexandra · on December 18, 2018 at 3:22 PM
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Have you made your reasoning perfectly clear to your mom and possibly your uncle/aunt? I would be very assertive in your reservations about inviting him...
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Master 0000
Judith · on December 18, 2018 at 11:22 PM
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You have no obligation to invite every adult member of a family, relatives or not. You could not invite his wife, and not him, as they are a social unit. But this grown man is now separate from the family he grew up in, and you were correct in not inviting someone you have no positive relationship with. If the family wants him on an extended vacation, he can find something else to do while they ate at the event. When I travel on business of my husband's, I do not push in to things that I am not involved in. It will not kill their vacation to go to your wedding, while he does something else. Do not invite him. And do not get pushed into it by your mother. If she wants the whole family, or sixty family together, she can host a dinner party separate from your wedding, not the rehearsal dinner, and see them all together. And you need mot go. Bit she has no right to insist on him being invited to your ceremony or party.
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Super July 2019
Crystal · on December 20, 2018 at 8:57 AM
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Were not inviting my fiancee's cousin. He is not a good person. He likes to fight and cause drama and is big into drugs. We are not inviting him. Some of the family is upset especially his aunt because it is her son but you know, it's our day and we wont have the drama. It's our day and the naysayers will have to get over it.
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Champion October 2021
Maren · on December 20, 2018 at 10:41 AM
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Hi Steph! Welcome to WeddingWire and congrats on your engagement!
I agree with the others', here in this thread: if you are uncomfortable with him being there on your wedding day then you are definitely justified in not inviting him. Your guest list is completely up to you and your fiancé(e). Have you had a heart to heart with your mother about your concerns like you mentioned here?
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