Not inviting in circles...feeling guilty

Just to clarify have you sent invites, or STDs already? and also did either of these people verbally get told they were invited?

Ouch Rica. This is a sticky situation! I honestly believe that if you cut off Claire you’ll be ending your relationship with the family and most likely putting Jess in a difficult spot. Does Jess know you plan on inviting her, and more, does she know you plan on excluding Claire? I think it would be awkward telling Jess about your decision (in case she is already expecting to be invited) but at the same time, maybe giving her a heads up, and the opportunity to make the best decision for herself (maybe she doesn’t want to have her relationship with Claire & her family hurt) is the best way to go. In my opInion, I would leave both out to avoid all the drama that is potentially going to cause, but if that’s very important to you just go in knowing it could cause a few issues along the way.

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I have sent STDs to most guests, but didn't send to these people for this reason. Jess has been verbally told she was invited, and actually gave me a lot of help and support when I got engaged. But I haven't talked to Claire about it besides her "congratulations" text when I first got engaged. Her younger sister assumed she was invited, but I gave her one of those "we're not sure how big the wedding will be" responses and let it be. That was when we first got engaged as well.

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I think this is well put. Thank you. You are probably right. I will definitely keep this in mind. It's nice to get an outside opinion.

Lesson learned on my part for sure.

You have to do what’s right for you (as long as no STDs or verbal invites have been given to Claire) but I think Jess deserves a heads up about this, especially since she is planning on staying with her when she’s there for your wedding. That is going to be super uncomfortable for everyone, and Jess may want to stay elsewhere if none of the others are invited.

I can sort of relate. I was a live-in nanny ages ago. The oldest (now 23) will likely be officiating. I'm still super close to the family, the mom is my MOH. The two younger sibs want a "job", but I have nothing for them and I'd have to make something up. I'm sure I'll hurt feelings, but my situation is admittedly less complex than yours.

I'd say, invite those who you would like to be there and no one else. Since we are talking about adults here, they will all be able to make decisions on how they respond. If it were me, I'd invite the two teens and hope for the best from Claire, but it's not me. And you need to make a decision with the importance of this day in mind. Best of luck!

View Quoted Comment Again, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have a few scenarios like that and it’s tough, but you have to think that life goes beyond that day and some damages are not worth - not only for your but for others. Be honest with yourself and Jess which seem to be an important relationship for you, don’t be surprised if she decided to step back from the wedding involvement, it’s not about your friendship is about the big picture.

Hmm so telling Jess Verbally puts you in a sticky spot. so for my own wedding we invited 190 people (which is small for my area), we excluded several friends we just don't keep in touch with and mainly kept it to aunts, uncles, first cousins, friends we see often, and our parents close friends (we gave each parent X amount to invite for their side)...that being said, I'm only inviting 30 friends of FH and I so I don't really feel bad about inviting my church friends that I nannied for or other people we like but aren't close with. So my first question would be how many people are you inviting and how many of those are friends? If you're having 300 people and 100 of them are friends and random people you don't see that often then it's easy for feelings to get hurt, but if you're having 100 people and most of them are family then people just reason with themselves that you had a small wedding (usually anyways lol). If you're worried about offending the nanny girl and you aren't that close with Jess then I just wouldn't invite either of them and save yourself some drama. But if you think "my wedding wont be the same unless Jess is there" then just go ahead and invite her and worry about Claire closer to invite/STD time. I'm not sure what sort of behavior Claire exhibits but most of your wedding vendors will help keep unruly people under control (esp DOCs), everyone has a crazy Aunt Sue they were forced to invite so Claire might not be any worse than what the vendors normally keep under control. If you're close with the family and can afford the space/money just invite all of Claire's family if you're really worried about the relationship cut off. Basically you have 3 choices.

1. Not invite Jess or Claire (even though you verbally told Jess, which would be awk but she might understand if you explain the Claire situation)

2. Invite Jess and accept that Claire/her family might find out and you might lose the relationship with them, but if you don't see them much and don't care to see them then that shouldn't be a big deal.

3. Invite Jess and Claire (maybe even Claire's family) and trust your DOC/vendors to help keep Claire under control and avoid all tension/drama.

Sorry this is long, hope it makes sense

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Super cool that the 23-year-old will be officiating for you!

Thanks for the feedback. It's great to hear.

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Thank you so much for responding! We are inviting about 175 guests, and almost half of them are friends (though besides the one, the rest will be older than these girls and don't know them). You're definitely right about the vendors, and it helps to see the options laid out like that. I think the best thing to do right now would be to avoid any wedding decisions or conversation, and see how things go naturally for the next few months. We do have a minimum of 3 months to make final decisions, but this has been nagging at me!

Honestly, they are technically adults but at 18 years old you can't expect them to act that way. I don't know Jess, but at that age I would find it difficult to handle being the one invited when your good friend wasn't, especially since she is staying with her. I don't think you are obligated to invite Claire by any means, but it may make things a hell of a lot less awkward for Jess if you think she will be able to hold herself together at your wedding. If you think she is going to cause a scene, I would definitely not invite her, but give Jess a heads up about the situation.

Sorry, I would exclude both, I would have never told the one verbally that they were invited. (Mind you, never tell anyone verbally that they are invited to an event unless their invitation is already in the mail! For reasons like this and budget...so on, just a note of advice for future events you should have).

Nevertheless, you do not owe anyone an invitation...it is completely your choice whom you invite. If you choose to invite Jess, possibly have a word with her about not mentioning the wedding to Claire, so that it does not cause drama and conflict. Possibly Jess could find another place to stay for the trip. Not sure if this one girl is worth all of this or if maintaining a relationship with the family is worth it. I personally, would write the family off as a former employer and occasional acquaintance at this point.

View Quoted Comment Great point here. Truthfully, I would have never thought of inviting Claire or her family had I never met Jess, so I fully recognize that I made my own mess! Great advice, thanks!

View Quoted Comment Although I agree with your point, I don’t think it’s hat easy. Friends ask about wedding plans, offer suggestions, and conversation just fluidly goes there sometimes. But I’ve definitely learned my lesson in all regards!

youre right about keeping them as acquaintances only though. Thank you for the advice. I will keep it in mind for sure.