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Alexandra
Beginner November 2020

Not Inviting Certain Relatives

Alexandra, on December 4, 2017 at 11:18 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 18

First, I would like to point out that I am in the VERY early stages of planning, and have only been engaged for a month.

We made a guest list up just to get an idea of how much money we would need to save up as well as an idea for venue sizes. I come from a larger family, but my FH does not have a very close family and due to being in and out of foster care growing up. He has a total of 6 people that he wants at the wedding since he didn't really have many ties to family or friends from moving around. Obviously, I feel like this wedding will be like 98% full of my family, and there are just some people I don't want to invite for various reasons. Is it normal to feel bad about not inviting people? I've been on the opposite end of the invitation and have been one of the people on the chopping block of guest lists, so I guess I just don't want someone to feel the same way I did. Now that I am planning, I see why I may have been cut from some of their lists.

18 Comments

Latest activity by Judith, on September 20, 2018 at 3:00 AM
  • Ashley
    VIP May 2018
    Ashley ·
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    I'm not inviting certain family members. My mom doesn't get along well with one cousin that i adore and want to be there. But my mom's feelings are important. I'm also not inviting my brother, but that's because we don't get along at all, he has behavioral issues and will just ask family for money at my wedding. NOPE

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  • Chandell
    Dedicated August 2018
    Chandell ·
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    Im not inviting certain family besides the fact that i am only having 60 people if we are not close there is no reason for them to be there. I do feel bad and i was stuck on my guest list for a long time because i felt bad for not inviting some of my family . but it is your day and your putting money towards it

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  • Alexandra
    Beginner November 2020
    Alexandra ·
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    Mrs. Fall Bride, I think that is the perfect way to put it, I didn't expect not to want to invite those people, but being an adult and knowing things I may not have known when I was younger has changed how I feel about these family members. Thank you for your response!

    Ashley, that is exactly the type of situation I have going on. I have family who we all know use drugs, and I can just imagine them either asking someone for money and causing a scene, or being strung out and causing a scene. I am grateful that I am not the only one in that boat, but I am sorry that you are in it with me (if that makes sense).

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  • Alexandra
    Beginner November 2020
    Alexandra ·
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    Chandell, exactly! Thank you for responding!

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  • Dreamer
    Master May 2013
    Dreamer ·
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    I didn't want to invite an uncle and his wife. My Dad exchanges an e-mail with him a year and that's the only contact my family has with them. My Mom didn't put them on the list of relatives, I didn't add them. Then my Dad whined for a month. We ended up inviting them and they were the only ones who didn't have the courtesy to RSVP.

    My sister married after me and she didn't waste an invitation on them. Her husband didn't invite an uncle from his side, either. His Mom didn't provide the address; she might not even have it?

    It is what it is. Weddings are pricey and not the time to try for a reconciliation, or for a family reunion.

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  • Alexandra
    Beginner November 2020
    Alexandra ·
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    Dreamer, thank you for responding!! You guys are really helping to ease my mind about this! Much appreciated.

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  • Julie
    Dedicated June 2018
    Julie ·
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    Alexandra and Ashley I can understand where you are coming from. My family helps put the D in drama and dysfunction. I know no one has a perfect relationship and family. My parents and divorced and I don’t speak to my mom or sister since we had a falling out at my younger sister’s wedding. I went to my dad to help get further insight on maybe who he wanted me to invite since he’s got siblings he close to and others he’s not or others we know won’t be going to the DH due to cost. Of course my dad offers like zero help and says invite whom you’d like. Plus I’ve only meet some of that side of the family a handful of times due to distance and family dramas.

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  • Mabel
    Beginner October 2019
    Mabel ·
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    None of my family coming except possibly my gay uncle and his husband

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  • Rebecca
    Just Said Yes October 2018
    Rebecca ·
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    Alexandra, it sounds like we're in very similar boats. My mother wants me to invite relatives that I haven't spoken to in years. My sister keeps reassuring me that it's my day and I make the decision who comes to my wedding, and I'm not obligated to invite anyone. She did the same thing for hers and there were no hard feelings!

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  • Alexandra
    Beginner November 2020
    Alexandra ·
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    Rebecca, I swear it's a mom thing to want to add random family members! After my mom supported my decision to not invite people, she casually mentioned that she wanted me to invite her great aunt! I had to put my foot down. If I felt bad not inviting cousins that actually babysat me and spent time with me as a kid, why am I going to invite an old lady that I met one time when I was in high school?!

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  • EngineerInLove
    VIP September 2018
    EngineerInLove ·
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    My family treats weddings as reunions. However, my godfather and an aunt are not invited. I will catch a lot of heat for that decision from family (not my parents, they get it and support my decision) but my mind is made up.

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  • futurmrslowe
    Super December 2018
    futurmrslowe ·
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    Just a another general perspective: while I don't have family members whom don't get along (and I recognize that blessing!), I'm making it a point to only invite friends and family that I have very active and reciprocal relationships with! I think that will avoid lots of feelings of guilt from all parties !

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  • AnnaKay
    Super June 2018
    AnnaKay ·
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    It's normal to feel bad in the beginning but after you get closer to the date then you will be ok. It's okay not to invite some family members. People will feel offended and you will have family you never met or seen in years invite themselves because another family member told them about the wedding. You still have time to finalize your guest list and once you had the venue and budget then you will be fine.

    Stand your ground!! Do what make you and your FH happy.

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  • Alexandra
    Beginner November 2020
    Alexandra ·
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    Thank you all so much! I really feel better about this, and everyone on here seems so willing to offer advice. It is so nice to get an outsiders perspective, and I truly appreciate you guys Smiley smile

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  • LoveAlwaysWin
    Devoted August 2018
    LoveAlwaysWin ·
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    I am having this same problem I want to lower my guest list but I don't want to offend anyone by not inviting some people.

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  • Aly
    Expert June 2018
    Aly ·
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    I wanted a small wedding. That means I could not invite certain "tiers" of relatives (second removed cousin, distant aunt, etc). I accepted that when FH and I agreed on a small wedding.

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  • S
    Beginner May 2019
    susan ·
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    I had to look here to see how you all are handling this and get some help. My daughter is getting married next year and she is stressing big time about this. Lots of family on our side and all live close by. She can’t afgord to invite all But she has 3 cousins she definitely wants there as she feels a special bond with them. But she’s concerned about others being hurt because they weren’t invited. I told her she should invite the ones who she feels have made an impact on her and who she has become. She likes the idea but can’t seem to move past hurt feelings on others. Also, I asked her not to invite an uncle and his wife (is a brother) because they could end up drunk and stoned! No one needs that at their wedding!
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    Invite no one you have not seen socially, like gone out together or in each others homes, for more than 2-3 years. Make an exception for those you would have seen a lot of if not for distance, age/ illness, schools far apart. But relatives you only see every couple of years at other peoples occasions, are frequent acquaintances, not close enough for an invitation. Several married and soon to be ( wedding planning done) women were at my quilting group. All basically laughing at 3 recently engaged, less than a year to go, B to be. They were all upset about guest lists, that they did not know correct names, addresses or phone numbers, or emails, and not enough identifying info to look on Facebook or other, or do a search. Til someone explain ed what they did not get: If you do not know your first cousin's wife's name, or the names or ages of any of their 3 kids names or approximate ages , or what town in Ohio ( or was it Indiana...) and the mother ir father who is their aunt ir uncle cannot produce that info in 5 minutes from address book, computer, or memory, why are you inviting them to your wedding? And will they be flattered you thought they would just love to spend 2 weeks pay and a total of 3 days dedicated to travel, buying a hundred dollar gift, for you? Dysfunctional or toxic people, and near strangers or those rarely seen or thought of, do not need an invitation, like it is a family reunion. If you want to establish a relationship with long lost relatives, invite them to a cookout or a dinner between you two homes, or visit by arrangement when you are traveling nearby. That is not what a wedding is for. If parents want a party for long lost relatives, they should have a families reunion. Not use your wedding. If parents want some member of your family to turn their life around, they should start seeing them regularly. Not insist they come to your wedding.
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