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Savvy June 2023

Not invited as a guest to their wedding while I’m planning mine?

Kara, on December 28, 2020 at 1:59 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 10

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So this is kind of an odd situation. We are planning our wedding loosely for fall 2021, so quite a bit away due to COVID.

My fiancé’s friend from college (more distant friend as time goes on) is getting married this coming March, 2 states over. We would need to fly to get there. They sent a save the date that was only addressed to my fiancé and haven’t sent an invitation yet.
I did look on their website and under RSVP there is only his name. We have been together for many years so I would definitely feel upset if I wasn’t invited.
We were planning to invite them to our wedding but we have super limited space at our venue. I don’t want to do anything drastic because I’m worried about the fact that they might just add my name on later (is that even a possibility?) but if I’m not invited, it would certainly say something about how they see our friendship and wouldn’t be the first time. Should I wait to send a save the date to them? I know I couldn’t invite one without the other so it seems like it’s all or nothing.

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10 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on December 29, 2020 at 4:56 PM

Super December 2020
Anais · on December 28, 2020 at 2:19 PM
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While it’s pretty rude to invite your fiancé and not you, I’d make your decision based on whether you want them there instead of whether they’re inviting you.
Does your fiancé want his friend there? Do you? Would either of you miss them if they weren’t there?
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Master November 2022
Chrysta · on December 28, 2020 at 2:19 PM
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With their wedding being in March, they may have had to significantly cut their guest list in order to abide by government mandates. In which case, they may have made the difficult decision to not invite spouses or plus ones. Unfortunately, people having weddings during the pandemic are having to make difficult and unpleasant decisions regarding their guest lists. If this is the case, I definitely would not take it personally or refrain from inviting them to your wedding. Could you have your fiancé talk to his friend to see if that may be the case? A simple hey, I checked out your website and noticed only my name is listed to RSVP. Is Kara invited as well?
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Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on December 28, 2020 at 2:31 PM
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I agree with this. Base it off if you want them there in general.
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Savvy June 2023
Kara · on December 28, 2020 at 2:39 PM
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I honestly don’t care much as we never see them (maybe once in the last 3 years) and most likely won’t have a relationship with them going forward for very long. My husband and his friend catch up over text or on the phone occasionally, once a year maybe. It was more like I would include them to be polite/out of respect for their former friendship, but would prefer to not if there isn’t the obligation/if they weren’t potentially inviting us around the same time.
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Super October 2021
Clarissa · on December 28, 2020 at 2:51 PM
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I wouldn’t invite them out of obligation however this could be a step in mending a strained relationship if you want to. I have a friend who I only to every so often but every time we get together it’s like we never stopped talking so I’m going to invite him to our wedding because I know we’ll have a good time together.
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VIP September 2020
Willow · on December 28, 2020 at 3:19 PM
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If they're 2 states away, and you're not even that close, I would not invite them out of obligation or courtesy. Regardless of whether you're invited to their wedding. It may just be the software they're using
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on December 28, 2020 at 3:19 PM
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They might have had to make this decision based on Covid restrictions. While it is normally rude to invite only one half of a couple, brides and grooms have had to make difficult decisions like this. I wouldn't take it personally. I also wouldn't base your guest list on who they invite. Also, since you don't even have a firm date I would see how your fiancé and his friend's relationship continues to go because at this point it doesn't even really sound like they have much of a relationship.
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Super April 2021
Tiger Bride · on December 28, 2020 at 9:27 PM
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Don't invite. Even if it was due to Covid cuts, the friend should have given a heads up. Even then, if you're not very close, I doubt your FH would have made the short list anyway.
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Master 0000
Judith · on December 29, 2020 at 6:00 AM
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You have seen the Saves, ut not invitations, yet. A lot of people only send Saves to the principals, and at invitation time extend the invitation for the SO with them. And others only send Saves to people who need more of a heads up, due to travel, or working on Fri Sat and needing time off. They let local with no issues wait until invitations. And would figure if your FI knows, he will tell you. So not getting a Save, when others have, does not mean you are not invited.
Wedding invitations are often not a reciprocal thing
Some people have 10 guests other than family, while others have 200. There is no reason to not invite someone to your larger wedding, because they may not invite you to their linited, Covid affected small wedding. 🙂 Do either of you want to see FI's friend at your wedding? If so, invite them. No other considerations.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on December 29, 2020 at 4:56 PM
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It is rude to only invite half of a couple. Unfortunately others may not view your friendship the same way you view your side. Do you want them there or not? If you aren't close anymore, it is ok to cut them.
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