Not enough Support from Maid of Honor?

I forgot to mention that both the mom and baby are doing well

First of all, glad Mom and baby are thriving!

I would think she is probably feeling the same way about you. Unsure of why you haven't asked her for help or her opinion about any wedding plans yet. Yes, new Mom's need to focus, but they also need to be pulled out of Mom mode into the world around them. Tell her that you miss her and need her help with A,B,C....she'd probably be grateful for the distractions. I'd also ask her if she thinks being MOH is going to be too much for her, maybe pass some of her tasks onto other members of the BP.

When I asked my MOH, I followed with an email the next day that listed two helpful articles "Traditional MOH Duties" and "How to make a MOH speech". The Traditional MOH duties was very thorough and had optional duties, should be required duties, and Rock Star MOH duties, so it wasn't a checklist of things she HAD to do but suggestions on how to be a good MOH. She later told me how grateful she was for both articles because she had NEVER been in a wedding before and had NO IDEA what to do.

Overall, I'd keep texting and maybe make a point to go over (if you're geographically able to) once every couple of weeks and talk wedding with her. If you can't physically go, arrange a time you can both FaceTime or Skype and do it that way. If you're still met with silence, pick a new MOH. I sincerely hope you don't have too though. Maybe she's just overwhelmed and doesn't know how to approach it.

What are the things do you think she should be doing?

I planned my entire wedding without help from anyone but my H. It was our wedding, no one else's. I literally had zero expectations of any of my wedding party that they would help with planning. I realize that is not how many brides view wedding planning, but it seems like having expectations of her when she is clearly dealing with more important things is causing upset feelings for you, which isn't fair for anyone.

I can totally understand you missing your best friend, but you thinking about this in terms of your wedding, rather than just missing her and being worried about her, is where I think your perception needs a bit of a shift.

I hope you are able to find some positive resolution from this, but I do not think it is fair to hold this against your friend. If I was you, I would continue to text her to check in on her (even if she doesn't text you back) and not mention the wedding at all until there are things she actually needs to know (rehearsal dinner details, arrival time to get ready, etc.). I'm sure she will involve herself in your planning if and when she's ready to.

Best of luck (to you, your BFF and her new baby)!

You were doing things right in the first place. Your SO is the one who helps plan, not the MOH. Her role is to show up and stand next to you, maybe hold your bouquet and maybe sign the license. Anything else in extra and she definitely has more important stuff going on to prioritise.

It's understandable to feel like you're missing out on something but focus on planning as a couple and just enjoy any time you have with your MOH as you normally would

If you havent go visit her, take her lunch of coffee im sure that would be greatly appreciated needed and do a little baby talk and a little wedding talk. Let her know you are thinking about her. Even though she is busy im sure she is thinking of you too. I have no children yet but have a lot of experiance with them and babies and being a mom, especially first time to a pre-me is tough. It would be a great gesture to make that step, all while saying hey im still here and still need you!

I made so many spelling errors 😂 but you get the point

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Thank you for your feedback! I think giving her ideas of what she can do would be very helpful since this is her first time being part of a wedding party. I did had plans on visiting her today but wasn't sure if she was busy and texted her though she never got back to me. But I will continue reaching out to her

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I guess just help me narrow down some options for the wedding since we've been friends for 14 years. and knows me best. I also think I'm being sucked into the whole "maid of honors are supposed to do x,y,z" idea. I should enjoy the time of planning with my partner and really focus on what's important. Thank you for you feedback

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This is my feelings as well.

I feel blessed my bridesmaids are throwing me a shower and Bachelorette, but I made it clear i didn't not make it an "expectation" for them. The only thing I required is the dress and asked them to wear nude shoes. everything else they could do on their own.

Also, didn't realize that my comments were being posted separately but thank you everyone

Maid of honors don't have duties, they are not your servant. Stop this way of thinking, doesn't go well. They have no obligation outside of your wedding day

Also, wedding planning isn't all that fun. There is the fun stuff, the cake! The venue! The dress! And lots of unfun stuff. Talk to other friends or family to feel less lonely. Your best friend may actually welcome a distraction from her baby, but isn't going to reach out for that. I'm guessing you haven't had close friends have kids. Even if they arent premature, it is a whole other world you can't even grasp.

View Quoted Comment This is spot on advice. The OP can ask herself why she haven’t gone over to the MOH home and ask if she needed help with the baby? Both of theses are life events (babies, marriage) and each person needs to be aware of supporting the other.

View Quoted Comment I’m planning and setting up my entire wedding with no help except the day from my brother and fiancé. I’m enjoying it and it suits my personality. It actually easier and I’m getting everything done without any issues.

View Quoted Comment The suggestions offered are great ways to bring your best friend back into the fold of life beyond being a mom as well as encourage her to take a greater interest in her role as your maid of honor. I am hopeful that you will both become closer, and learn to communicate and lean on each other for greater support during the process. Best of luck!

My MOH and I looked at the expectations of an MOH on Pinterest and then laughed our tails off. Who actually does those things?? No one.

I actually had two girls be my MOH, and I asked them to be there because they are my two best friends in the entire world. I wouldn’t want anybody else standing next to me! I had no expectation of either of them to do anything besides get a dress and give toast. They both threw me a shower, One in my area and one in the state where my second MOH lives, because I used to live there and it was the only way I was able to celebrate with several of my friends from that state. Other than that, friendship continued on as normal. One of my girls had a baby in July, and our wedding was the end of September. She lives three hours away for me, so shortly before she had a baby, when her husband was out of town, I went to help her with her kids, and the same with right after the baby was born. Just because you were getting married doesn’t mean the world stops and revolves around you, and a baby born that early is probably taking all of her mothers time and energy! I actually felt bad for talking about the wedding with her, because having kids takes a crazy amount of time and energy, and I didn’t want her to be at all concerned with my wedding.

Her baby has been in NICU, and I don’t know if you’ve spent much time in hospitals, but typically there are very few areas you can even use a cell phone, let alone having one work. Of course she slow in responding to your text messages. I’m sorry that this is made you feel alone, but at the end of the day, her life event kind of takes priority. Sorry, but you are an adult planning an optional party, and she is an adult who is completely responsible for another helpless human life. It is an overwhelming responsibility, and some people don’t handle it as well as others. Try not to think about what you were missing out on, but instead how happy you are that she’s able to be in your wedding at all.

I know how busy people can be so I personally could not burden someone else with the planning and details of my wedding. I got this! I'm just inviting folks to come and enjoy the day with me. It been fun planning, doing DIY, all that stuff. I'm taking my time and trying to enjoy the process and not let planning an optional party get so stressful, it's not suppose to me and if it is then the person needs to take a step back and evaluate the whole situation, cause it ain't that serious.

Unfortunately, it's not her responsibility to help you. It's nice, but not mandatory. I echo what PPs said and just want to add that a baby born 2 months early is incredibly serious, like you said. She only gave birth last month, she still needs a ton of time to adjust to her new normal and focus on her baby growing.

Having lower expectations makes it even better when the bridal party does do things. My MOH is going through a big life change but is already working on the bachelorette, which I wasn't even sure she would do because I know those things are stressful for her. FSIL has been extraordinarily generous in ways I did not even expect - I asked if she'd like to go to the spa with me the Thursday before the wedding and she was insistent I wouldn't pay for her or for myself! Lower your expectations, and just focus on rekindling your friendship and being intentional about connection outside the wedding for a while.

I'm so interested to know what you think the MOH "should" be doing! Her only job is to get a reasonable dress within the budget she gave you (after you asked her), and show up at the wedding on time. If she chooses, she can offer to throw a shower and/or bachelorette--but that has nothing to do with being the MOH. Anyone can offer to throw a shower and/or bachelorette.

Do you just want opinions on stuff like which cake to buy, or someone to agree that favors are a total waste of money, or help talk you down from spending a fortune on unnecessary crap, or making poor choices like over-inviting? If so, bring the poor woman some food and baby gifts, and offer to watch the baby while she gets some sleep and/or offer to do her dishes or laundry while she is with the baby. If there happens to be a 5-minute stretch when baby is sleeping and she doesn't want to be sleeping, and you've done all the chores around the house that she'll let you do, then ask her her opinions on some things...but don't expect much. She's likely not ignoring you or downplaying the importance of your wedding, it's more likely that she literally hasn't had the time or energy for a single thought outside of how to keep both herself and the new baby alive and functional in the past month.

View Quoted Comment Some more great advice. I'm also not sure what a newly engaged friend would think my responsibilities are as a MOH, if asked. I mean my life doesn't stop, I still have demands from my employer, my family, my grandchild. So outside of showing up and assisting the bride on the wedding day, buying a dress and a gift, I don't think I could extend myself beyond that unless I had the time. Any tasks for the bride would have to be something I volunteer to do but they would not be able to hand me a 'list of things' they think I should be doing. I also could not get consumed with their wedding planning. I mean the 'let's all rally around the bride' thing and let our priorities take a back seat for a year or two might float with a really young bride and bridal party with lot of time, barely any bills and minimal responsibility. As a mature woman with tons of responsibilities, I don't even think I could accept that role, unless it was in the context of show up, help on that day, buy a dress, bring a gift - period.