Not chosen to be bridesmaid...feelings hurt

Stay in your feelings for a little, and then let it go. You can find other ways to support your friend without being a bridesmaid. The title of bridesmaid is not all its always cracked up to be. But I wouldn't let your feelings and your hurt pride get in the way of your friendship. If you believe what she told you as far as numbers, accept it and don't take it to heart and know that your friendship can withstand this. Just love your friend like always.

I feel like your friend at least not explaining the decision, herself, is hurtful enough. As much as I would be hurt by not being a bridesmaid at some of my friends weddings, I think it'd be more of a slap in the face to be kept in the dark.

Unfortunately, brides don't like a lot of drama when it comes to wedding planning and that sometimes means not facing things head on. Maybe she didn't know how you'd react and obviously you're upset? Who's to say you wouldn't have guilted her into adding the 9th person that she didn't want (not on purpose, mind you)? I'm not saying she views your friendship as any less, but if she wants 8 -- then it is too much to push for 9. Maybe her FH only has 8 on his end. It's not that she views you any less or that you're boiled down to a number, the bigger your wedding party gets -- the more your expenses rise. Some people pay for make up, hair, dresses, tuxes, etc -- it could have been out of budget to do the 9th (which at this point they probably have 16 all together for a wedding party, sheesh that's a crapton and it doesn't include them). I thought 4 was too much and then my Husband dropped the ball on me that he wanted 5 on each side and so I let that happen.

I think you're really hurt right now and need some time, I don't think that your feelings are invalid about being hurt because the other two freinds are in it and you aren't. However, I don't think that your friend really meant to upset you or is looking at it the same way you are.

The next option would be to be honest and say: "Hey, this hurt my feelings. I understand that you don't have a 9th spot, but I feel like if we don't talk about this it might weigh on my mind - do you mind if we talk..." You're an adult and she's an adult, have an adult conversation, but make sure you're respectful of her final decision.

There are hundreds of posts on these forums about this same subject, only from the bride’s perspective. The general consensus is typically that it’s best to let things play out naturally. Maybe looking into some of those would help you see things from the other side. As much as it might feel like a slap in the face that she didn’t reach out to let you know, can you imagine how that conversation would have gone? “Hey, just called to let you know I picked my bridesmaids and you’re not one of them.” Your feelings are valid, but you need to work through them and then let them go. Perhaps it was just a numbers thing, perhaps she doesn’t feel as close to you as she once did. Whatever her reasoning is, her mind is made up and there’s no reason to drag this out. If this hurts you enough that you feel like you need to distance yourself from the friendship, that’s well within your right, but I would take some time to think on it before making any permanent decisions.

I agree with Caytlyn. I am a bride on the other side of this. There is no way she was going to reach out to you in advance to say "hey just FYI you aren't a bridesmaid". I certainly didn't.

I have a friend who is very upset to not be bridesmaid. We are a group of 6 since grade school and I only chose 2 from that group for my bridal party (and have 5 bridesmaids total). Although we all hangout, I have other friends/family who I am closer to than all 6 of the girls in the grade-school group. I wasn't purposely dividing up the group by choosing only 2. I just picked the people in my life I'm closest with. It's a really difficult decision to make and I certainly didn't do it with malice or ill intentions.
You absolutely have a right to your feelings about this, but eventually you have to move on.

Thanks for the advice! As I am planning my own wedding in October I completely understand the difficulties of wedding planning and we have had a lot of trouble with our guestlist and people feeling offended for not being invited etc. I do understand my friends perspective and do not in any way want to make life more difficult for her than it is already. As I said, I am not a drama queen and avoid drama at all costs. But given our friendship history I can't help feeling hurt in this instance. I guess when the right opportunity presents itself to discuss it I can let her know that I felt sad, but I do accept her decision. I think it will just take a bit of time to get over the hurt.

Okay, so I’ll tell you about my experience. I didn’t ask my Cousin or her Daughter to participate in my Bridal party. This was because I didn’t want to bring any extra financial stress on her.

She told me that she “felt some type of way”. How would you feel if you couldn’t afford to participate and so still weren’t able to?!

I've been on both sides of this. One of my best friends since high school (that I'm still fairly close with, although, we live in different cities) got married in July. When she got engaged last October, I was certain she was going to ask me to be one of her bridesmaids, but she didn't. She even asked one of her friends that she has only seen a few times in the last 4 years to be one (my friend was in her wedding a few years ago). Her's, also, came down to a numbers thing. At first it was upsetting, but I just had to let it go. I didn't want our friendship to be in jeopardy over something like that. I went to her wedding as a guest and had a great time! She and a few of my other close friends won't be in my bridal party because I already have 7 bridesmaids (3 of them are family members) and don't have anymore room (the venue literally won't accommodate more people being in a line at the front). I wanted 10 bridesmaids originally but ultimately just had to cut down the numbers. Don't see it as her not thinking your friendship isn't valuable!

I think there’s always a reason why. I had a similar friend group to yours, and one of my friends assumed she would be a bridesmaid. It was horrible cuz I had my reasons for not wanting her to be a BM. Our friendship ended before I got to actually asking my bridal party (unrelated to the wedding, she just hated that I couldn’t hang out with her indefinitely at the drop of a hat) but if we were still friends, I wouldn’t have sat her down to explain she wasn’t a BM. She probably has her reasons, and I honestly think you’re exaggerating how this affects your friendship. I understand it hurts, but again, she may have her reasons.

First, your feelings are your feelings. Therefore, I will never tell you what you can’t feel. How we, speaking from my own situation: I have two best friends, a very close college friend that we always joked about being in each other’s weddings and a host of cousins. I specifically asked my one best friend (the one I known longer and am closest too) and, three of my very close cousins. I knew my college friend felt a way because the moment I posted my “bride tribe” she started sharing how she hopes she’s at least invited to the wedding. The first is the “just because” reasoning. Just because you have whatever relationship with someone doesn’t mean you’re expected or entitled to a place in their wedding. My love doesn’t stop for my two college friends. But, I wanted a small wedding party and I wanted the absolute very closest people too me. Secondly, the “emotional distance” reasoning. Yes, y’all still hang out and yes y’all still consider each other BFFs. But, unfortunately, living together and hanging out does create a different friendship. Absolutely, she is still cool with you - I am sure. You are probably still great friends. However, she chose the absolute closest people too her and that’s absolutely okay. She never owed you an explanation. There’s no reason for anyone to have to explain why they chose whatever decisions for their wedding. It’s that type of attitude that also supports why someone didn’t choose you. Not to be harsh. However, once my friend started with the “I hope I’m at least invited” shenanigans, I felt more comfortable in my decision to not have asked her to be a BM.

Feel your feelings. But, ultimately, it’s really not grounds to end a friendship or even think it’s going to be awkward. It’s only awkward because you expected it and are obviously truly hurt because a part of you have drawn conclusions about where you stand. Your friendship, to her, probably never changed at all. But, there clearly were other people that she felt she needed most.

I would just take time to move on! It probably wasn’t personal and I would just let her know your feelings are hurt but you still support her and love her!

My best friend since I was born is getting married in about 8 months and I haven't heard anything about a bridal party. I get it girl! It's a smack in the face (or at least it feels like it). Take time to be sad and then go to coffee or something and just hang out with her. Ask her how her planning is going and be the friend you've always been. It sucks but it is what it is. Go to her wedding, be happy for her, that's honestly all you can really do.

I’ll share my experience. When I was engaged 8 years ago, I had a close friend who would have been my moh but I didn’t get married. Now it’s been many years, she’s lived in Europe this whole time, and we’re not as close as we used to be by any means. I asked her to be a bridesmaid and she happily accepted but I guess she didn’t process that she wasn’t the maid of honor and she freaked out on me. Now it’s been 10 months and she declined my wedding invitation bc of money but maybe it’s really bc she’s mad. Either way, I don’t want a friend who will treat me that way. She hasn’t been there for me as much as other friends and turned down my offers to visit her. I’m resentful that she feels entitled to a spot which I have every right to choose based on who is closest to me. My relationship with my moh has nothing to do with her. I’m also disgusted that she thinks being a bridesmaid is an insult. She’s not even coming at all now, which shows she doesn’t really care that much since I gave her 18 months notice and offered to help pay a huge chunk of her expenses. I guess she had a wake up call about our friendship but the reality is she hasn’t been as close or caring to me in a while. If you want to be a good friend, be a good friend. Otherwise I would just move on.

You have the right to feel the way you do, and seek an explanation.I ended a friendship of 20 years when my close friend did not pick me, but my other close friend. Meaning my other friend who she had a casual relationship with.I had been wondering why I was not made a brides maid,and to my surprise she was holding hostility towards something I said about her future husband. I let her know exactly how I felt and ended our friendship. The lack of respect and the I don’t care what you think or feel was amazing to me. The level of selfishness let me know she wasn’t woman enough to tell me. I am glad that we are no longer friends, and my other friend kindly declined her offer to be in her wedding. I will not bite my tongue to make the bride happy. I am engaged myself and all of my close friends are bridesmaids, and sadly the woman who was to be my maiden of honor and god mother to my future child is no longer in my life due to her bridezilla shady behavior.

When people do not invite you to be a part of their wedding it’s an indication that your friendship is not close or you can’t afford to be in it. I was woman enough to tell my cousin why she will not be a brides maid at my wedding, she deserve to know. She decided not to come, and that is fine. She has the right to be upset and process her feelings. If this ended our relationship, I wish her well. My other friend who just left the elephant in the room did not deserve my friendship. I wish her the best, but a bride should make it clear why she did not pick a close friend or family member to be in the wedding. It saves the awkwardness.

Yeah this is so hurtful. In this situation I would have either chosen all of you or none if she needed to choose her family members. Personally this would be an indicator for me to distance myself from her. I think whether or not you go to the wedding depends if you want to keep her in your life at all. Not going would probably be the nail in the coffin but that’s totally up to you

View Quoted Comment Thank you for explaining it this way. This is one of the best responses I’ve read. “It’s only awkward because you expected it.” I’m in the situation of being left out, but I know i’m the end I’m supposed to support my friend in the best way now even if I don’t have a title.