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Not a bridesmaid

RY, on March 22, 2022 at 4:26 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 12

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I have read a few forms on this as I try to work through my pain, and decided to make my own post. A good friend of mine is getting married, we have been friends since HS so going on 24 years now. There is a group of us that have been friends the entire time. We all always get together for special occasions and events and have all been in each other's weddings. It's a group of 4.

We are all grown adults busy living life with jobs and kids. So no we don't talk as much as we use to, but as mentioned we always get together as a group a few times per year, and always for special occasions. The bride has an older kid (from teenage pregnancy) who is of course in her wedding along with her 2 sisters, 2 friends that are her really close friends, and the other 2 friends from our group. Leaving just me out.
I really didn't think much about being a bridesmaid, I honestly assumed it would have been her family members and her best friend. How I learned the other 2 from our group were bridesmaids was at the bridal shower when they all went up to get a bridesmaid picture together. This was a gut wrenching moment for me, and I had to suck it up and act normal.
After the shower I talked with the other friends, they both knew I would be hurt and that I wouldn't understand. They wanted to tell me but didn't know how to. They thought it was the brides place to tell me and they had told her she should several times.
Now here I sit staring at this RSVP. I am so hurt and I just can't see how I can suck it up and go to the wedding. I honestly feel like cutting this "friend" out of my life forever.
I was understanding in thinking it would be her sister's, daughter and best friend. That would not have bothered me. But including our little group and excluding me ... I can't get passed this hurt. Finding out like I did made it so much worse.
I do not want to talk to the bride about this as I feel it would be selfish to do before her wedding. There is really nothing she could say to me to make me feel better. The facts are the facts, she obviously doesn't feel as close to me as I did with her. It's just so heartbreaking. I have cried for 3 days over this.
Am I being petty to not go to the wedding? I just don't think I can bring myself to do it, or even be around her for a while .... if ever. I need time to heal.

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12 Comments

Latest activity by Chereeandderrick2022, on May 10, 2022 at 12:04 AM

Devoted November 2022
Allaura · on March 22, 2022 at 5:37 PM
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If you’re not happy for her and your own feelings are going to put a damper on her day then don’t go and be ready for the questions on why you weren’t there. Personally I think you are being petty. Just because you aren’t in the wedding does not mean you are not friends or that she did this to you on purpose. If you want to be a good friend, suck it up and ask her if she needs anything, be happy for her and show up for your friend. Friendship shouldn’t be about what titles you get through the friendship, it should be about whether or not you can be a good support system and be there for each other when needed/wanted. If you can’t do that then don’t go.
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RY · on March 22, 2022 at 5:53 PM
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Solid advice, thank you.

I am acting on raw emotions as I just found out the other 2 are in and I am not. Not left with much time to process the hurt and anger, never good to act on emotions.
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Super May 2022
Erin · on March 22, 2022 at 5:58 PM
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I’m sorry this is causing you pain. Relationships are definitely not easy. That said, I would also advise not to take her aside to discuss the matter before the wedding. There is a lot of other stress the bride is handling pre-wedding. While her decision hurts, it is her wedding, and whether her reasons for not making you a bridesmaid were bad and petty or not at all, there isn’t a way to change that now.

As to whether or not to go, I think this could go either way. She may be the kind to remember if someone DID attend but clearly wasn’t happy, or maybe she may remember more if someone wasn’t there. If you don’t see this as a repairable friendship worth fighting for, then declining might be best. Sometimes if the pain someone is causing us is too much, it’s best to walk away (I’ve had experience with that). If she values your friendship, she will reach out to see what can be done to keep it when it becomes apparent to her that the relationship is fading. If this is someone you really want to keep being friends with, I would take some time to work through it, and RSVP yes when you are ready.
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Devoted November 2022
Allaura · on March 22, 2022 at 5:58 PM
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My best friend of 26 years, weve literally been best friend since we were born, didn’t have me in her party so I totally get it. I had to dig deep and really think about if I was going to be okay not being there for one of the biggest days of her life just because I wasn’t in her bridal party. To me it wasn’t a good enough reason to miss out on something we had been talking about since we were 5 lol. I totally get how you feel just take a few days to yourself process, cry, move on.
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Super September 2022
Sarah · on March 22, 2022 at 7:08 PM
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I have a friend not coming to my wedding and she gave me a whole slew of reasons but also threw in there that she was “surprised” she wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid. I know that’s the main reason she’s not coming to my wedding and any other things I’ve invited her to and honestly, I think it’s petty. I’ve chosen people I’ve known for a very long time and to me, a title in my wedding doesn’t define our friendship. The way I see it, your friend is saving you a LOT of money by not having you as a bridesmaid and just inviting you to party. If you still care about her, you should go.
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Expert May 2010
Theresa · on March 22, 2022 at 7:26 PM
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I'll disagree with everyone else responding, for the single reason none of your "friends" told you that you were the only one in the group not to be included. And I don't think you're being petty. Obviously, they think that something is not on the up and up, and felt it necessary to hide from you that you weren't being included, Then blindside you with it. If the bride, for whatever reason, couldn't find room for one more in the BP, she could easily have given you a call to explain that. If she valued your friendship, that's exactly what she would have done. The other two, while I realize it is not their wedding, could have let you know ahead of time that they were in the BP, again to save you being blindsided.
I wouldn't attend her wedding under those circumstances. If she contacts you and can give a good reason for all the secrecy, you might reconsider. Otherwise, I'd just decline.
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RY · on March 22, 2022 at 8:33 PM
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Yea, I think that's the hardest part to get over.

It all just showed me where I stand... I honestly think she thought one of the other friends would have broke the news to me and then she wouldn't have to deal with it. Let's face it no one wants that conversation, it's not an easy one to have.
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VIP November 2016
Tara · on March 23, 2022 at 11:35 AM
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I can imagine that was not. I would absolutely be offended too. I'm sorry you weren't chosen as a bridesmaid but you should talk to her at some point to find out why. Be open and honest with her and hear her out. She may not realize how hurt you are. And she deserves to know if it's going to affect your friendship long term. I would recommend you go to the wedding... I have to believe you would be upset with yourself if you didn't. Even if you just go to the ceremony and leave the reception early, showing up is better than not. As others have said, being there for your friend is important and your friendship shouldn't be defined by a certain role or title.
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Lynn · on April 6, 2022 at 11:33 PM
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I am here right now. I feel like this the end of a friendship and says alot. At first I was like whatever but as it sat with me, I’m absolutely heartbroken. Thinking of all the years we spent together, all the very real and heavy raw life moments we’ve gone through. Just feels like the ending but I do want a “why” a real why. Not a made up brides lies. I see so many comments on this forum how brides can lie about their reason, Why not just be honest all around. It saves alot in the end.
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Lynn · on April 6, 2022 at 11:36 PM
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I’m also thinking not to attend wedding. I feel there is an elephant in the room now. I can only imagine the questions my friends family will have for me at wedding not being in the bridal group. I would be just as lost as they are. The entire night feeling on the outside of the “group”? Idk. It doesn’t sound great.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on April 7, 2022 at 12:11 AM
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I agree with this. My heart hurts every time I read posts that say “I wasn’t chosen as a bridesmaid so the bride hates me as a friend” as if those two things are related at all. In most cases, they are not. What a number of women don’t understand or realize is that not everyone enjoys being a bridesmaid for any number of reasons. That doesn’t mean you are not a close friend. Not every bride wants to or is able to ask every single female friend and relative to stand up as a bridesmaid. There are major costs involved on the couple’s end for every attendant who is asked. Some brides don’t ask any. Does that suggest they have no friends at all? No but some do interpret it that way.

As far as the rest of friend group, it wasn’t their place to say anything to you. Friends have your back through thick and thin. Acquaintances don’t care one way or the other. Titles of bridesmaid vs guest are irrelevant and have no bearing on the relationship. If it hurts too much to attend, then don’t go. But know that even though the bride didn’t ask you to be an attendant doesn’t mean she hates you and doesn’t want you as a friend. Think long and hard before you toss the friendship out and sleep on it before you decide so that you don’t have regrets.
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Just Said Yes March 2023
Chereeandderrick2022 · on May 10, 2022 at 12:04 AM
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I wouldn't take it personal. I honestly don't think that being a bridesmaid is a be all end all and I will never understand why some people take it to heart if they aren't a bridesmaid. I think you should go to the wedding and support your friend, if she really is your friend. I'm sure there is a reason behind not making you a bridesmaid, but does it really matter. Look on the bright side, you get to enjoy the festivities without spending an arm and a leg!
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