I wasn’t really sure where to post this so thought I would give here a go.
Recently my best friend got engaged and knowing her and her family dynamic I knew there was a very good chance I wouldn’t be asked to be a bridesmaid even though I would be completely thrilled to be asked but I made peace with it just because there’s a lot of complicated relationships there and I knew it would make things less stressful for her to ask family members ahead of me.
Because she is my best friend I had already started helping her plan things. I had taken her to a bridal expo just because she had expressed a very mild interest in wanting to check it out and from that she has now booked her wedding venue and chosen most of her vendors.
I am also a jeweller so I’m gifting her and her FH their wedding bands at cost price meaning my hours of hand labour which normally would be hundreds of dollars is their wedding gift. And because she is having two rings made just for her and one for her FH this has been quite stressful for me to make sure they’re exactly what they both want.
Anyway fast forward to today I went for a visit and to my surprise I found out this girl who is a self proclaimed “best friend” of my best friend, who my best friend has previously said they are only still friends because of how persistently this girl holds onto the friendship and my best friend has said quite a few times she prefers the times we spend together but she is now going to be in the bridal party when I had previously been told it would be a family only affair.
Up until this point she had told me it would be her sister and her cousin, because even though she isn’t close with her sister and her cousin is doing a very good job of making this wedding about herself by saying such things as she cannot plan for the date she wants because the cousin is going on a three month overseas holiday or that she doesn’t like the style of wedding she wants to do because it doesn’t suit the cousins needs, she says she feels her mum would expect her to make them bridesmaids as a condition of paying for the wedding.
So I had been all chill about everything because her sister is from what I’ve heard quite judgemental and her cousin is a handful and I just wanted to drive home to my friend “It’s your day and I’ll do whatever makes this easier on you.”
But... I won’t lie and say I’m not hurt that now two more bridesmaids have been added to her bridal party and I still haven’t been asked despite helping her plan over most of the details.
One of the new bridesmaids is her god mother which I totally get (still family) but when it comes to the self proclaimed best friend it really does hurt that she will be asked and I won’t be. Especially when my best friend was telling me what “Will you be my bridesmaids?” gifts she plans to get for them.
It also cut a bit deeper when she was telling me that her FH doesn’t plan on having any groomsmen and that it didn’t matter to her at all that there would be an uneven number of people up at the altar. So it’s not even a matter of making the sides match or having some form of evenness for the photos.
I was also one of the first to actually find out about their engagement. In fact I knew before she told her mother. I also knew long before the self proclaimed best friend was told. So I guess I’m also a little confused as well as hurt as to why this girl who seems to not be as close has been asked ahead of me.
I am also one of only three people who know what her wedding dress looks like. One is her sister who works in the industry and took her to a sample sale and the other is her god mother who she also took with her to the sample sale. I have seen so many pictures of my best friend in wedding dresses and I have seen the actual physical wedding dress she has purchased even though two of her bridesmaids haven’t.
I am hearing the “Well I think my mother would expect...” a lot but today she also told me she’s learning to be firmer with her mother and putting her foot down on the things she really wants because she is channeling me in the way I keep telling her it’s her day and to not let people tell her what to do so she doesn’t end up unhappy.
Now I am fully aware this is HER day and is in no way shape or form about me. But that doesn’t mean my feelings still aren’t hurt so I was wondering did anyone else find themselves in a similar position and how did you go about dealing with your emotions from this?
My best friend was saying things like “Bridesmaids have to do so much work anyway and you and I will just get to have a fun relaxing day!” Which yes, I get, I won’t have to buy the dress or the shoes and I won’t have extra stressors on the day but I’ve already helped her plan so much.
To add to this she had originally wanted a destination wedding which her FH wasn’t for so now instead she is planning a destination bachelorette party which I know she expects me to be at because she has stated previously.
But now I’m wondering if I’m not a bridesmaid and I’m not supposed to be doing all this work should I be pulling back on that? Because I have been helping her run through all of her ideas and all of her emotions surrounding her turbulent bridesmaids but she has now specifically told me that because I’m not a bridesmaid I won’t have to do as much work.
Also going on a destination bachelorette party is a lot of money so do I opt out of that considering I’m being excluded from this other group? A holiday like that isn’t necessarily cheap and would be something I would have no choice but to charge on credit and slowly pay off and now I’m just questioning my importance of being there when my importance hasn’t been considered in being in her bridal party.
I also question if non family members are being added to the bridal party and I’m still not being asked am I even going to still be considered close enough to go on this trip at this point?
Also is it okay for me to say to her I’d rather not discuss bridal party favours because despite our closeness, despite the fact that it is unimportant there are matching numbers in the bridal and grooms parties and despite she is no longer asking just family it does hurt a little I haven’t been included?
As you can tell I have a lot of feelings about this and I do not want to be like her bridesmaids and make this situation about me but I’m also trying to find a healthy way to navigate these feeling without putting any stress on her. Any advice would be so appreciated.