None of my bridesmaids can make it to my shower

Wait, they haven't picked their dresses and your wedding is in October? That's literally right around the corner! Did they have valid reasons for not attending the bridal shower? Just curious.

Did they say they would attend and then just not show up?

Did they offer to help set up/ host with the MOH?

As far as the dresses go, send them all individual messages (some people despise group messages that they turn off all notifications) that the wedding is fast approaching and that they need their dresses. Adults know what they have to do, and if they decide to purchase too late, then they can be a guest, or you a approve an off the rack dress they can find at a store

So sorry! For more context.. the dress was picked out and 3/5 have ordered theirs… it was just a huge ordeal during that process with my girls. hence why there was 30 dress options….and lemme tell ya that wasn’t easy lol. a huge problem then and still now is that no one barely replies to me in my GC with the girl. even after I asked if they could just so things are easier and we’re all on the same page. It’s just been problem after problem and now I found out that only my MOH can make it to my shower. 1 BM has their aunts baby shower that day, another one is going to see family in south carolina, one lives 3 hours away, and the other is working my bridal shower because her boss is making her. which she doesn’t mind the money but i’m sad honestly. i’d do anything for my friends and never ask anything of them, i’m usually the one that’s always there for them and supporting them through whatever. it’s just getting to a point where I feel so discouraged and am considering getting rid of the whole bridal party besides my MOH

And they haven’t offered to help with anything at all. the bridesmaid that is working my shower I actually added in last minute because she has been super supportive. but the 3 original BM haven’t been supportive AT ALL.

Okay, with a little more context, I mean this in the nicest way, I think you need to cut the BM's some slack about the shower. I will not travel 3 hours for a bridal shower just to turn around and drive back. That's 6 hours of driving in a day and can be exhausting. Some can do it, others can't. The one visiting family, with what's going on in the world, let her go see her family and spend time with them. Work trumps pre-wedding events. If her boss says no, that's it. And if they are not attending the shower, they should not have to help fund it. Planning and funding come from the host/hosts.

Only two showed up to my shower, but I still had a great time with my other family and friends who could attend. We all want our bridal party members to make all pre-wedding events, but more often than not, it's not realistic and it stinks.

I don't have anything to add about the dresses other than what I gave above. Best course of action, message them individually and go from there.

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It's definitely stressful trying to get everything planned with multiple people, but the reasons you gave for why they can't make it are all valid. It also sounds like they don't like the group chat, so it may be better for you to talk to them separately. It's okay to be upset and sad that they can't make it, but is all of that worth ruining your friendships with them by kicking them out of your bridal party? Are you ready to compensate them for the money they've spent on dresses if they can't return them and get their money back - because it wouldn't be their fault that they don't need them. You can be upset about all of this since that's a super valid feeling, but I wouldn't let that overshadow your day and your experience as a bride.

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Also, they are not required to help you. It's your wedding, not theirs. It's definitely a nice perk when someone has the time and energy to help you plan, but that is not the job of the bridesmaids. Did you ever mention to them when you asked that you would like help? If not, they can't read your mind and assume they have to help you.

View Quoted Comment No no no don’t get me wrong they’re all valid I totally understand! but it’s just kinda the fact that they weren’t even being supportive/involved this whole time and for my feelings this was just the cherry on top. I don’t know I guess i’m just curious if anyone else’s bridesmaids literally didn’t get involved besides being at the bach and being at the wedding. and when any of them talk to me it’s been bad news only. like one BM didn’t think she’d be able to be a bridesmaid anymore because of money and dates but everyone had already worked around the dates that she said she was available and I asked her her budget, she told me, we made it work and I told her if anything happens lmk and we can make anything work… she’s staying after I talked to her. and then one almost went to her friends 21st bday instead of my bach then I talked her into going to my bach. that’s the kind of messages I get from them, but nothing about helping or asking about anything and it makes me sad. so I guess I was just wondering if anyone has had similar issues. it’s not just the bridal shower that part just made me sad to the point I came here to vent. I totally understand why each person can’t go though.

View Quoted Comment I’m sorry but I disagree. being a bridesmaid isn’t just a free perk. the only thing the girls have done for this whole thing is get a bridesmaid dress. and I even get replies in a group chat which is silly. i’m not some diva bride, I literally just want my friends to care. sorry if it’s hard to tell where i’m coming from over even the context of how i’m typing because I can’t show emotion. I even told them no gifts I just want them to be there because I love them

Also sorry for spellchecks! but my MOH has been witnessing everything and is absolutely flabbergasted with how much they don’t reply/care. as of right now, one person has their dress, 2 others have ordered I have no problem telling them to cancel. i’m absolutely not kidding when i’m saying how uninvolved they have been. and it’s silly that they can’t rely to a group chat. I know the notifications can be annoying but it seems like a low maintenance request to me. I know when it’s something silly or if i’m just overreacting but my MOH has been bringing this up and saying how messed up it is because we’re all pretty close. I feel like i’m asking for advice and everyone off the bat thinks i’m being demanding from my girls but I promise I really am not?

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I'm not asking my bridesmaids for help. My MOH has offered to help with things so that's one thing, but they don't need to help me. I also haven't been talking to any of them about wedding stuff unless they ask. I will be contacting them separately when it's time to start looking at dresses and get a better idea of how everyone wants to be contacted before just throwing them all in a group chat. They truly just need to buy their dress and show up on time to get ready and that's good with me.

Asking someone to be a bridesmaid is a way to honor them as someone who is close to you who would want to stand with you on your wedding day. They are not there to be your free help as you plan because it's not a job - when you ask you are not hiring them. Also, being a bridesmaid isn't free! They are paying more than a normal guest would to attend and have more obligations than a regular guest, even if they're just standing up there with you and haven't attended any of the other events.

I get that you're frustrated and that's valid, but they are not required to help you plan. You can definitely ask for help, but you can't force them to do anything, and it's not really fair to be upset with them for it. However, I can also see that they're not being emotionally supportive, and I believe that's something that at a minimum you should be as a bridesmaid because it doesn't take any of your time, money or labor to be a decent friend, so I totally understand being upset about that. It seems like you only have a few months left, can you find a way to look past this all and still have a great wedding day?

I actually don’t think you’re understanding what i’m saying. and i’m glad you feel that way for YOUR bridesmaids. we’re not going to fully agree on what it means to be a bridesmaid… but my bridesmaids can barely give me the decency of answering questions or even asking! and you said that there’s more for bridesmaids to pay for and that may be true but the only thing that mine have put any money towards is their own dress, IF they’ve ordered it. i’m not asking them for help with making decorations, setting up the bach, the shower etc. and I am honoring my girls! they know that’s why I asked them but as someone that literally supports them with everything they do all I want is for them to care a little. I didn’t start running into these problems until it was getting closer to the wedding. it sounds like you haven’t started looking at dresses so you might understand where i’m coming from closer to your date.

View Quoted Comment So I’m in the same situation with one of my BM/matron of honor and posted on here asking for advice about dropping her and everyone is down my throat for saying firing her. I understand your frustration 1000%.

View Quoted Comment I’ll give you my experience. My bridesmaid also basically bought a dress and attended the bach. Most of them didn’t ask me how wedding planning was going or if I needed help. I also had a group chat and I did get responses but it would take a few days/weeks to get a response.
Personally I was fine with it because they did end up responding as needed, I completely understand feeling let down when others don’t respond. I think that’s common decency but some people really do forget in group chats, so reaching out individually might help.
I always think that communication is so important in all relationships, including friendships. Have you spoken with them about how you’re feeling? Not in an accusatory tone, but just explain how you’re feeling, preferably face to face because text tone is always hard to decipher. My guess is they’re not trying to be mean at all and probably don’t realize that you’re expecting them to be asking you about wedding planning. Bridesmaids often just don’t realize how much stuff we’ve got going on, plus they have their own lives that they’ll always think about first, so maybe explaining your feelings could help clear the air.

View Quoted Comment I completely agree with you in regards to what a bridesmaid’s “job” should be. I 100% believe when they agree to being a bridesmaid, it’s more than just buying a dress and standing up there with you. Do they have to pay/plan for every single shower/party? Absolutely not, but they should be doing more than just standing up there with you. It blows my mind when I see people on here saying bridesmaids/MOH don’t have any duties and shouldn’t be expected to do anything, but show up. You can literally Google “bridesmaid duties” and hundreds of articles come up with lists of duties.


So, if you feel fed up with your bridesmaids and have had zero support from them, then I’m going to be the odd ball out, and say let them go, but that’s just my opinion. 🤷🏻‍♀️

View Quoted Comment I saw your post, too. Again, I’m the odd ball out and I don’t know the details of your situation, but if you haven’t gotten any support from her and dropping her will make you feel better, than do it.

I would just like to say thank you for everyone’s responses. they’re all appreciated and sometimes we just want to be heard. for those of you who said people are becoming cut throat at you in your comments about a similar situation to mine just stand your ground loves! I wasn’t meaning to come off any type of way! I love my girls and can’t wait for my special day but I am also a very good friend to them and support them and am there for them through everything they do and I just want them to be a little more involved is all. everyone have wonderful safe weddings! cheers!

What does your partners say about your troubles? Because it's your partner that should be planning this wedding with you. Not everyone, even if they're female, and/or a bridesmaid will know how to plan a wedding. Some people just don't like weddings, so you can't make them be more enthusiastic about yours. So I would suggest hiring a wedding planner to make your vision happen, and make sure your partner at least takes part. But, you and your partner are a team and it will be you two to problem-solve from now on. Perhaps you and your girlfriends can have a brunch or lady's party the day before your wedding so everyone will make it. Good luck.

I’ve only had issues with one. And now she may or may not be in the wedding or her daughter’s my flower girls. Smh and our wedding is this Saturday 9/4
Best of luck with your planning 🍀

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Asking people to stand up with you is supposed to be a way for you to honour them. Not the other way around. All they had to do was get the dress. I would wonder if your expectations were too high? There's really nothing you can do at this point except be gracious. I would advise against getting rid of the wedding party, as you have indicated was a thought.