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OldSchoolKindaLove
Devoted September 2018

No longer insterested in Sex....is this normal?

OldSchoolKindaLove, on May 13, 2020 at 10:15 AM Posted in Married Life 0 26
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I recently turned 30, and there is no doubt that my body has changed. Since turning 30, perhaps starting about 6 months prior I noticed that I have no sex drive at all. I mean I have sex because my husband wants to, but I am not into it. It's even gotten to the point that it's doesn't hurt like something is wrong, but it's not exactly comfortable either. I have talked with my doctor and she said it's just simply a part of getting older and suggested lubes. I have tried several lubes, and it's still not enjoyable. I feel bad because my husband has started saying things like "you're never in the mood anymore", "I wish we could go back to having sex like we did on our honeymoon" "I'm getting blue balls" etc. Is there something I am missing? Has anyone else had this problem?

26 Comments

Latest activity by OldSchoolKindaLove, on May 14, 2020 at 11:18 AM
  • L
    Dedicated April 2022
    Liz ·
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    Intimacy and sex aren’t just about your body. Have you looked into Esther Perel’s intimacy inventory? She’s a couples therapist who has some great podcasts too and the inventory worksheet goes into a lot of emotions that are behind sex and helps you work out some baggage you might be bringing to the idea of having sex. You might also just try a therapist or a couples therapist, it sounds like your doctor is only focused on bodily function and not mental health.
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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride Online ·
    • Flag
    Your doctor doesn’t want to test your hormones? Or for other issues (not sure if thyroid or low iron would contribute but also common issues for women)? There may be something physical.


    I’m definitely going through changes but I’m late 40’s. You’re still quite young. I’m glad you’re listening to your body though. ❤️
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  • Belle
    Rockstar August 2022
    Belle ·
    • Flag
    Did you do your blood work? Do you have small kids? Do you guys do enough foreplay? All those, and quite a few things could be the trigger why you are dry, and why you are not into it. Or nothing at all. Many of my friends (around 40) are doing it once in 1-2 months, where I would be frustrated not to have it everyday or at least every other day. And don’t compare the “honeymoon season” with after that. Of course in the beginning it’s super exciting, but I am not saying after marriage is not, it’s just different. Both sides are in charge to keep each other fire.


    My suggestion, get lube, read sex books, buy sex tools, buy different types of lingeries! These are not just for him. He too needs to do more effort to make you feel wanting sex.

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  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
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    All hormone levels are normal. She has checked all of that out which is why she made recommendation for lubes. Everything physical checked out, which I guess is why it's bothersome that I just have no drive.

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  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
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    Blood work = Normal . No children. Foreplay yes usually at least 20 minutes to even get me slightly aroused/into it. I have a collection of sex toys, lubes, pheromones, lingerie, etc but even with that stuff once it gets to the actual sex part, no interest. I even tried doing a Boudior shoot to boost self confidence, but no luck.

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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride Online ·
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    Extra stress (besides Covid!)? New job or long commute? Any suppressed anger or fears? Are you living together for the first time after marriage? All kinds of things can impact our sex drive. Maybe taking long walks to tap into how you’re feeling might help.
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  • Belle
    Rockstar August 2022
    Belle ·
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    Could it be emotional then? Or maybe like I said, it became your “normal” for wanting it less. A lot of female friends are in once in a week or two phase, but their partners seems okay with it. However, seems like your dh is not okay with it, and he seems to need it from you. Some people would be frustrated if their partner are not into it, and it can lead to many problems. There is an Instagram called 365 marriage which I love to share to my friends who need advice about marriage, sex included. They explained it well, and they talk about so many things in a marriage.
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  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
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    Once or twice a week is even too much for me. It's more like once maybe twice a month at this point. If I had an instagram I would check it out, but it's not my thing.

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  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
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    Nothing new, life hasn't really changed, we have been married for about a year and a half. We lived together for about a year before marriage. I saw a counselor during our first year of marriage due to adjustment issues, but I worked through a lot of my issues. We bought our dream home, and everything seems to be going well. I'm just uninterested in sex since I turned 30.

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  • Samantha
    Expert October 2021
    Samantha ·
    • Flag
    When is the last time you gave yourself some "self love"? Sometimes you need to rediscover yourself to enjoy 6ourself. The added pressure from your husband is also going to stress you out and over think. Try taking a bath and tuning into your body. Are you on bc? I know my drive has dropped since going on the pill.
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  • Belle
    Rockstar August 2022
    Belle ·
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    How are you guys with each other beside sex? How long has this situation been? Is this becoming a problem in your marriage?


    Every couple is different, so we can’t really say what’s normal what’s not. However, I think it is important to fill each other’s need though. I think a couple counseling might be worth a try? Or maybe you can go first and let the counselor dig deeper to see if there’s something behind your subconsciousness?
    https://www.marriage365.org/ has a website too. I am not a member but still can read their blogs.
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  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
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    Samantha - No birth control, I have complications taking it. I took Depo shot leading up to the wedding simply to avoid Aunt Flo crashing the wedding and reception, but after I discontinued use. That't been over a year and a half ago.


    Belle - We don't fight or argue. Every once in a while we may disagree on something, but that's usually minor. We get along fine, talk about work, the house, family, etc. Nothing abnormal. We watch our shows throughout the week eat dinner together and usually got to bed at or around the same time. We did have some issues during our first year of marriage, but after counseling we were able to work through them (sex was not on of those issues). We recently purchased a house in November, and have been working on that. I do know in January I talked to my doctor concerning some discomfort and lubrication issues and she recommended trying a few different lubricants. I hadn't given it much thought until he made a comment this week about "I didn't even get none in the past month and a half. Then I realized he was right, I haven't been in the mood since the beginning of March. I don't know that I would say it's an issue at this point in our marriage. I guess it could be one later if it gets worse.....

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  • Amazing Planning
    Dedicated June 2016
    Amazing Planning ·
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    Sorry but I would get a second doctor's opinion, it could be hormonal imbalance(easy fix), cysts blocking something, ect. Normally women's drive gets higher as we get older so docs wrong right there! It drives me insane that every other organ isnt working most docs are on it, but if it's a uterus, which is a rapidly changing organ they throw there hand up say its life( sorry for the rant have pcos, first doc said just me, second said exercise when my bmi was healthy and I was for 3 hours a day, took till the third doc to actually check it, and a fifth to not just have a just pamphlet handed at me, which saved me from alot of related issues later)As for your husband he should be more supportive as he would feel like crap if it was medical related, and if the role was reversed( such as with some men at older age because of medical issues), and you acted like a moody whiny horny teen he wouldn't like it either. Even if it isnt medical it doesnt sound like he is putting on the seduction game either, which doesnt help. You could alway visit a sex therapist, since it is mental as well as physical for both people and she will have more insight, Also prep yourself could help, do something to relax, ie bath, eat aphrodisiacs and throughout the day use a c-vibrator, stimulation cream, vibrator underwear, ect. Switch up positions to were you are more in charge if you arent feeling it, implement foreplay throuout, or just take a break(he will live, or will try and turn you on again if he doesnt want to end the night). But in the end do look into getting help from a professional doctor and therapist that deals with these issues.
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  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
    • Flag

    What about trying something like being blindfolded? Being blindfolded heightens your other senses so it could be something that would help your body react more.

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  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
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    I feel pretty confident in my doctor. I have visited a lot of them and I do have a history of ovarian cysts including cyst removal. I have had 3 trans-vaginal ultrasounds to monitor the cysts I had most recently, they have both gone away on their own. I have a history of horrible periods and take prescriptions to help control heavy bleeding and also pain from cramps. We have had the discussion of a partial hysterectomy because basically I have a bad uterus, I will spare all the medical terminology. I haven't gone through with the surgery at this point. I keep flipping between wanting kids, and not wanting kids...eventually I will make up my mind. I have been through about 6 doctors in the past 3 years, and she is the only one who listens to my concerns and has ordered testing instead of brushing me off or giving a million other excuses.

    I don't exactly have the drive or the want to to do self prep either. Nothing about sex sounds appealing. Maybe a therapist would be beneficial, now to find one locally.


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  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
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    I guess let me just put all of this out here since we are all married adults. I have tried all of the following:

    Lubes - silicone and water based, heating, cooling, tingling, numbing, flavored, etc

    Sex Toys - C-vibrator, Dual Action (clitoral and g-spot vibrator), G-Spot vibrator, vibrating panties, remote control vibrator (external and internal), vibrating bullets, and usually in conjunction with a lubricant

    Blindfolds, feather tickler, whips, bed restraints, handcuffs, etc.

    I guess a sex therapist may be my only hope.

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  • H
    Devoted August 2023
    Hhh ·
    • Flag
    I completely sympathize with you, we are the same age and I feel very similarly. I’ve been with my fiancé a little over 5 years, and I’m often fairly ambivalent towards intimacy. For me it is a mental game. I let stress about other parts of my life leave me exhausted and then when I think about the effort it takes (plus feeling like I need to look/smell/feel good first) - it starts to feel more like a chore. None of the gimicky suggestions have helped me either.
    What has helped is setting aside time when I am doing nothing productive I should be doing and can let go of my normal voice in my head, often if we travel this is much easier (not much help right now!). Then we will have several really great days Smiley winking And afterwards it will return to infrequent.
    Talking about this together has helped my fiancé understand. He knows when I’m not into it and that’s less fun for him too. He also gets that asking a lot makes me feel guilty, which compounds the issue. It sounds like starting honest and open conversations about this with your husband may help you as well!


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  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
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    So glad to know I am not alone and that someone else feels the same, not that it's a good way to feel but at least I know someone understands. I have the exact same issues, I feel more like it's a chore than something enjoyable. I have noticed that when we are traveling though that it seems much easier to get in the mood, but after we get home and settle back into everyday life it's not a priority. I have talked to him about it, and he says he doesn't mind.

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  • MIWM
    VIP June 2019
    MIWM ·
    • Flag

    Maybe Covid19 stress?

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  • Kayse
    Expert December 2020
    Kayse ·
    • Flag

    It comes and goes for me, honestly. Wish I could be more help.

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