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Beginner February 2020

No kids request anger -- Halp!

REN, on January 7, 2020 at 11:25 PM Posted in Planning 0 22

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Hi - in desperate need of a solution!

We sent out invitations in October for our February wedding. The only thing we requested was that there be no children at the event; however, we have offered to pay for a professional service to come to the Airbnb guests are staying at and watch their children for the duration of the event. Last night, my husband's sister called saying that his brother-in-law was no longer attending the wedding because he has to stay home with their child. Needless to say, my husband is incredibly upset. Both SIL and BIL are supposed to be in the wedding party. We have offered many different variations but they are refusing to leave their child "alone" for any period of time. The venue won't allow child care on-site.

We want our families to be part of the event and the three of them have been close, but we also would like our wishes respected to enjoy our night.

How can we fix this to keep everyone happy??

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22 Comments

Latest activity by Concetta, on January 8, 2020 at 2:33 PM

Master October 2021
Sexypoodle · on January 7, 2020 at 11:34 PM
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Your post mentioned that you’re having a kid-free wedding. But I don’t think you listed the issue.
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Beginner February 2020
REN · on January 7, 2020 at 11:37 PM
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Yes, sorry. I tried to scroll and accidentally hit post. The post is now complete.
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Master October 2021
Sexypoodle · on January 7, 2020 at 11:39 PM
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Oh ok. Thx. Lol!
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on January 7, 2020 at 11:42 PM
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You have two options here; allow your niece or nephew to attend or be fine with your SIL’s husband not attending. There’s really no way around it.
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Master October 2021
Sexypoodle · on January 7, 2020 at 11:48 PM
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That’s tough. How old is the child? If they don’t want to leave them with a stranger, then there aren’t many options. Are there any young adults in the family who they trust to babysit? I think it’s hard having a service that’s off grounds. It’s not very comfortable for parents if they can’t walk over and check on their child.

At the same time, I agree that it’s frustrating when parents have a heads up but don’t make arrangements for childcare. And in your case it sucks because they waited so long to tell you. So unfortunately the might have to miss the wedding due to their own fault.
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Devoted August 2020
Rose · on January 8, 2020 at 12:18 AM
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I agree with Caytlyn. They are obv not ok with leaving their child with a stranger, which you cannot blame them, I would not want to leave my child with someone I don’t know. You can either allow the child or you can be at peace with the fact he won’t be there. You can’t have it both ways it appears. If you’re not having children you cannot be mad that someone with children will not be attending.
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VIP October 2020
Ingrid · on January 8, 2020 at 1:17 AM
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I'm not understanding why they have waited this long to make mention of it. It seems to me that this is being used as an excuse not to go when they were given ample time to make appropriate arrangements. Its your wedding and you nor FH should be worried about their lack of planning and selflessness. The child cant stay with a family member related to the in law? Who watches the child for other circumstances?
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on January 8, 2020 at 8:09 AM
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I can definitely understand them not wanting to leave their child with a stranger, but they have had plenty of time to make other arrangements. Is there someone on her husband's side of the family that could watch the child? We had an adults only wedding and our guests had family members who weren't invited to the wedding watch the children. My husband's uncle didn't attend because of his children though. He has shared custody and only sees them every other weekend so he wasn't going to give up time seeing them which was totally understandable. If they aren't comfortable leaving the child and you don't want the child at the wedding then there really isn't much that can be done. How old is this child?
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Super September 2018
Rachel · on January 8, 2020 at 8:41 AM
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Have you offered to pay/reimburse for a sitter of their choosing? Or can you put their children in the wedding party (ring bearer, flower girl) so they can come without upsetting other guests?
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on January 8, 2020 at 8:48 AM
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I’m sorry but you don’t get to be angry about this. Part of choosing to have a child free wedding is accepting that some people with children may not be able to make it, even if they were supposed to be in the wedding. My child is 7 years old and only ever stays with family members and the only people physically/mentally capable of watching her for more than a few hours are my parents. If my parents aren’t available, we don’t attend whatever the thing is or only one of us goes. That’s just how being a parent works out sometimes.
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Devoted September 2019
Meaghan · on January 8, 2020 at 8:54 AM
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This exactly.

You can decide to have a child-free wedding but you don't get to demand that anyone attends.
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Beginner February 2020
REN · on January 8, 2020 at 9:14 AM
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No one is demanding they attend. I was simply asking for solution recommendations.
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Beginner February 2020
REN · on January 8, 2020 at 9:16 AM
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The point of contention here is that they waited until less than a month before the wedding to tell us this without really even trying to discuss a solution with us. We've had our wedding date for 11 months.
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Beginner February 2020
REN · on January 8, 2020 at 9:18 AM
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Yes, we offered to pay for whatever would make it work.
Thank you for the suggestion - that may be a viable solution.
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Beginner February 2020
REN · on January 8, 2020 at 9:19 AM
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Yes, we offered to pay for whatever would make it work.
Thank you for the suggestion - that may be a viable option.
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Beginner February 2020
REN · on January 8, 2020 at 9:34 AM
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We live (and are getting married) in southern California. Unfortunately, both of our families are spread throughout the U.S.
Usually, I think they have a friend watch her when they go out.
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Expert September 2021
Alycia · on January 8, 2020 at 10:20 AM
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You don't have a lot of options. You can let the child attend, talk with them to see if they can ask someone to watch her or they don't come.

I'm not sure why they waited to talk to about this until now. I think its a great idea your trying to find a solution and not dismising them.
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on January 8, 2020 at 10:28 AM
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I think that would be a great option. If the child is old enough I would have the child be in the wedding. You can get a nice dress or suit online or at a store in a matter of days.
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on January 8, 2020 at 11:53 AM
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Has his sister & brother in law ever left their child with a sitter before?
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Beginner February 2020
REN · on January 8, 2020 at 11:57 AM
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Yes, they have posted "date night" on Instagram in the past.
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