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Kiana
Savvy April 2021

No kiddos at our wedding

Kiana, on March 3, 2021 at 1:05 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 50
I need some advice! My fiancé’s brother is one of our groomsmen, and he and his wife have had their first baby. By the time of our wedding, the baby will be 5 months old. We’ve made it very clear from the beginning that our wedding would be a kid-free event. We had to postpone due to Covid last year and since then they’ve had their baby. My FH has talked with his brother but lacked the backbone to assert there’d be no kids. Basically he said “we would prefer if you can have SIL parents watch the baby”.
I’m not very tight with my soon to be sister-in-law and I’m looking for some advice on how to talk with her about it. We want to suggest that her parents stay near by and that she can go in a check on the baby if necessary.

My future BIL and SIL always just roll out with what they want and don’t always respect others wishes and I want to nip it ASAP! This would also be the first time my FH’s extended family would be seeing not only the baby, but BIL & SIL as they had been living in France until recently... I know this probably sounds a little crazy and selfish (but it’s our day—I’m allowed to be, right?!) but it’s really frustrating that they don’t seem to want to respect our wishes. The baby is pretty fussy and I really don’t want a crying baby present during our ceremony. We are finally getting our big day and I want it to be what we want.

50 Comments

Latest activity by Katie, on March 9, 2021 at 6:00 AM
  • Alyssa
    Super October 2023
    Alyssa ·
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    Usually I'm all about it's your day and your decision, but this being your BIL does make it a bit trickier. Are you having a rehearsal dinner? I'd say definitely have the baby come to that so everyone gets it out of their system. Also if it's just during the ceremony then it would be real easy to ask her to not have the baby there.


    Do her parents live close by your venue? How far are BIL/SIL traveling? Depending on distance you'd probably have to pay for a hotel room for the grandparents and the BIL/SIL.
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  • Kiana
    Savvy April 2021
    Kiana ·
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    I’m not opposed to paying for the hotel room for the grandparents. It’s just that my SIL/BIL aren’t really even willing to work her parents on it. They just have it in their mind that the baby is coming because it’s easier for them that way, and that’s part of why it’s so frustrating. My FH is on the same page as I am, he just feels uncomfortable having the conversation which I can understand. But I told him I would do the same thing if it were my brother. We aren’t having a flower girl or ring bearer, or anything of the sort. So it’s not like we’re just picking on them.
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  • Kiana
    Savvy April 2021
    Kiana ·
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    They live about 45 minutes from the venue, but there’s hotels as close as 2 miles from our venue.
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  • Alyssa
    Super October 2023
    Alyssa ·
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    This sounds like it's more a FH issue. If he truly agrees with you then he needs to tell his brother. It should not be you telling him/them. However you both should be prepared for the fall out that may occur.


    I really agree though I do not want young kids at my wedding, but unfortunately my FH younger brother is 10 (will be 13) so my hands are tied. However I won't have babies. I can't stand their crying. 🤦
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  • Kiana
    Savvy April 2021
    Kiana ·
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    It’s causing me so much stress and I know it shouldn’t! It’s just the principle of the thing. I don’t want to be a big drama thing either. It’s tough. Just to add to it, my future SIL didn’t make it to my bridal shower because the baby was too challenging. Which I am so sympathetic towards, and totally understand. But that just furthers my point about the baby not being there especially during the ceremony. 😫
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  • Kiana
    Savvy April 2021
    Kiana ·
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    I’m sorry you’ll still end up with one kiddo, but at least he’ll be a little older and more easily occupied.
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  • Alyssa
    Super October 2023
    Alyssa ·
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    There's four of them about that age 🤦if anyone falls pregnant between now and then, I don't know what I'll do expect be a major bit*h honestly.


    Seriously good luck with this, hope your FH just does it, it's going to be uncomfortable but the conversation needs to happen
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  • Kiana
    Savvy April 2021
    Kiana ·
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    Lmao. I’m with you girl! Good luck to you too, thank you! ✨
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  • Samantha
    VIP October 2022
    Samantha ·
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    I totally get not wanting the baby there, but to comfort you a bit, when was your shower? If the baby will be 5 months in April, the baby was prob pretty new during your shower. They could have been at that overwhelmed stage and she also may have been exhausted and still healing. .
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  • C
    Master January 2019
    Cassidy ·
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    Babies that age are typically the exception to the no kids rule, especially if they’re breast feeding.
    It’s a tough situation I see your point and the point of the parents. Im not a parent yet, but I don’t know how if I’d want to leave my baby if my parents weren’t coming to watch it. Possibly her parents could be the issue and they don’t want to travel and stay the night.
    As a PP suggested have them bring the baby to the rehearsal and get all the ooos and aaaahhhhs out of the way. Let the BIL know that if the baby cries during the ceremony they will have to leave. During the reception I promise you will not notice the baby or who’s paying attention to it. Best of luck in navigating this situation.
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  • Michelle
    Master April 2021
    Michelle ·
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    I feel you girl! We’re having a no children wedding & have told everyone. It’s even on our RSVPs. My half brother opted to not attend as he & his wife have only had 1 person watch their children & that 1 person is busy.
    You & your fiancé need to sit down with them & tell them what their options are. Tell them to bring the baby to the rehearsal dinner but as far as the wedding goes, they will have to make arrangements. Tough conversation!
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    You are right to not want a fussy baby at your wedding. And they need to respect your wishes. Plus I just don't understand why these new parents want to bring their newborn to ever event during a pandemic. Like it's crazy to me. I definitely wouldn't want my baby at a wedding where they will be around a lot of people and some people don't respect boundaries and will try and touch the baby even with a pandemic. It just boggles my mind.


    If your fiance ain't going to set them straight then it unfortunately is up to you to have the backbone. I'd talk to them and tell them that it is a kids free wedding and there are absolutely no exceptions. That they will have to find someone to babysit. I'd also bring up the fact that there is still a pandemic going on and even though you guys are doing everything to prevent the spread of covid its still not a good idea to bring the baby.
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    Also to add new parents need to learn that their children aren't going to be allowed or even welcomed everywhere and that they are going to have times where the are going to have to find someone to watch the kid, that's just the reality of having kids. The sooner they learn the better.
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    Im sorry but I don't see breast feeding being an issue every new mother tries to us it as an excuse to bring their babies everywhere but the reality of it is this, the wedding is 5 months away and if a new mother works she would only have 6 weeks before she'd have to return to work and guess what, work isn't going to let her bring her baby to work with her all because she is breastfeeding. She will have to learn how to use a pump. It is the reality of a working mom.
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  • SLY
    Master January 2022
    SLY ·
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    We're only having immediate family bring their children since my FH has 4 brothers and they're all groomsmen, plus my family is out of the country so they have no choice but the bring their kids. None of them are babies though, so that's why we're fine with them being at the ceremony because we know they won't bother anyone.

    This is a FH problem. It's his brother, so he needs to talk to him and get some backbone and stand his ground. If you don't want babies there, then you don't want babies there. Point. Blank. Period. It sucks, but his wife may just have to not attend if they're not willing to let the grandparents watch their child. If he doesn't do it himself, then you're going to have to be the one to enforce your rule and stand firm in your decision.

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  • C
    Master January 2019
    Cassidy ·
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    Wow. I’m sorry I didn’t agree with and offered a polite response and some possible alternatives if the situation came to that. It in no need required a rude response. “She’s going to have to learn to pump” wow just wow. If I was this mom I’d 100% refuse the invitation and all future events with you if this is how your approaching this situation and people offering help. As I said best of luck as you navigate this situation I sincerely meant it.
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  • E
    Super July 2023
    Eniale ·
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    Yes, perhaps that is the reality of a working mom, but a wedding isn't a job, either, and you shouldn't expect your guests to treat it as if they're having to go to work. Yikes.

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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    This isn't my situation. I just said if a mom can go to work for 8 hours a day and leave their breastfeeding baby home, then they can do it for a wedding.
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  • E
    Super July 2023
    Eniale ·
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    As a child-free-forever person, I am usually of the "absolutely no kids" camp, but I must agree with a previous poster: new babies are typically an exception.

    And while I also agree that I don't know why someone would want to bring such a young infant to an event where there will be germs, germs, germs everywhere, all etiquette will tell you it is in poor form to tell a new mom to leave her baby behind.

    Looking up any true etiquette professional says "babies should always be invited" and that the onus is then on the parents to handle it correctly (leave the ceremony if baby cries, leave the event early, etc.) So my suggestion would be to tell them you expect that they will be respectful and will remove themselves if baby becomes a problem. That would generally inform anyone with a bit of common sense that if baby is very fussy, they should elect to sit the event out.

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  • D
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
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    No You’re not wrong for any of this. No one wants a screaming baby while they’re trying to exchange their vows. When you approach her with it, word it as if you only have HER best interest at heart. Meaning you could say something like
    “hey it’s really important to us that you guys witness this And so we were thinking maybe it would be a good idea if so-and-so watches the baby in the back room that way if the baby starts to get fussy you don’t have to get up and leave.”

    This gets the message across and put your foot down that you don’t want the baby there if they are screaming without actually saying that you don’t want the baby there if they are going to be screaming.
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