Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Savvy September 2021

No Friends At Shower?

Bumblebee3, on February 24, 2021 at 9:13 AM Posted in Planning 0 19

Saved

Flag
Hide content

We got engaged over a year ago and my FMIL and her sisters volunteered to throw us a shower. We had a call with her the other day to sort out some details (month worked best to have it, etc.). I was taken aback when she mentioned how it would be no friends and family only. My FH’s family is quite large and all close with one another, and she’s inviting all the female relatives on his side (I like them all so I don’t have an issue with celebrating with them). The thing is my family is quite small (I have no parents), only a couple aunts and some cousins I’m close with (7-8 total). I was hoping that my friends would be there as I have 5 female friends I’m very close with and have been like family to me over the years. Is it wrong to be disappointed that they aren’t extending an invite when 30+ of my FH’s family will be in attendance? Has anyone else had similar issues?

I would bring it up but she was quite firm on the her decision on the phone, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful (especially since the shower is the one thing we are not paying for). I love my FMIL and her sisters (FH’s aunts) and I’m very grateful that they offered to throw us a shower especially since I do not have a mom to do it for me but I was hoping I’d have the people most important to me there.

Flag
Hide content

19 Comments

Latest activity by Kimberly, on February 28, 2021 at 4:48 PM

Expert September 2021
· on February 24, 2021 at 9:22 AM
Flag

Hide content
I don't think you seem ungrateful! This is kind of sticky, since she is planning and seemed firm the guest list. Maybe you could call her and just voice that you don't have a large family but consider a couple of your friends to be as close as family and would love for them to be able to come. Surely she wouldn't have an issue with a few of your close friends if you explain this!
- Reply
Savvy May 2021
Alison · on February 24, 2021 at 9:23 AM
Flag

Hide content
It's your bridal shower, celebrating you. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask if your friends can be invited. For mine, my mom asked for a list of who I wanted and then added who was important for her.
- Reply
Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on February 24, 2021 at 9:48 AM
Flag

Hide content
Typically the only thing the bride is in charge of at her own shower is the guest list. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask her about this.
- Reply
Champion July 2019
Veronica · on February 24, 2021 at 10:01 AM
Flag

Hide content
It's crazy that she won't let you invite five people that are like family to you especially since you do have such a small family and your fiance has a huge family. I would talk to your fiance about how you are feeling and maybe he can talk to his mom. She might be more receptive to what he has to say. I provided a list to the host for my bridal shower. I am also currently pregnant and I provided the list for my virtual baby shower as well.
- Reply
Master 0000
Judith · on February 24, 2021 at 10:12 AM
Flag

Hide content
It is verycommon to have multiple small showers, for lots of reasons. One is that costs go up astronomically when you go from home style to small restaurant venue ( $20 -30 per person, no alcohol) to venues that take 40-65 ($30-50 per person.)
Which is why, always, shower hostesses decide how many to invite, and what groups. And also, hostesses choose self contained groups, often. If someone volunteers to do your friends and family, that would be a second nice shower, and the two showers together would add up to hundreds less than one big one. Sometime folks do all friends in one, and two small families in another. Groomside has a dilemma. Often many individual women on that side do not know the bride. They would not end up invited to a shower where bride friends and family give $50 - $150 presents. That would be embarrasing. My MIL wanted 45 family women to have a welcome to the family shower. 3 real shower size presents, and 2 large gifts that 42 people added 5$ to $10 each. First time meeting me. Your MOG likely has such a reason.
- Reply
VIP August 2021
Katie · on February 24, 2021 at 10:24 AM
Flag

Hide content
Are these friends invited to the wedding?
- Reply
Savvy September 2021
Bumblebee3 · on February 24, 2021 at 10:56 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Yes, I have 5 close girlfriends and they and their spouses are invited to the wedding (they have already received Save the Dates).
- Reply
Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on February 24, 2021 at 11:06 AM
Flag

Hide content
Doesn't hurt to ask. How many do you want there?
- Reply
Savvy September 2021
Bumblebee3 · on February 24, 2021 at 11:31 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
I know I’m probably the 1% since many brides have not met their FH’s family until the bridal shower (or even the wedding itself!). Fortunately, I am quite close with every member of his family including great aunts & his parents cousins. They are a big family and gather quite often and I’ve never missed a gathering so I consider them like my own family ❤️
- Reply
Savvy September 2021
Bumblebee3 · on February 24, 2021 at 11:33 AM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Including my family & close friends, 13 people (just counted so I know that’s the accurate total)
- Reply
VIP January 2019
Maggie · on February 24, 2021 at 12:32 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

She may not be able to afford that many extra guests, so if you ask her to include them, I would do so delicately and make sure she knows that you understand if she can't fit them in.
- Reply
VIP August 2021
Katie · on February 24, 2021 at 12:49 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Ok I was thinking if maybe they weren't invited then I could see her not wanting them at the shower.

I feel that people attending the wedding should also be invited to the shower regardless if they are family or not. If I was you I'd put my foot down and tell her that you want them there.
- Reply
Master 0000
Judith · on February 24, 2021 at 12:53 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Lucky you. My FIL has gone from unapproachable to great, and My MIL and 3 brothers and 1 sister not married then I had only met twice and liked. And 6 sisters and 4 SIL I only met a couple times, mutual lack of interest. But his 11 aunts and 20 plus female cousins I had not said more than hi to, were lots of fun, but cross talked to each other in Italian, leaving me lost. It was nice but challenging being for the first time surrounded by so many of his family. I had met folks at his parents only. Huge family, and close.
- Reply
Champion December 2022
Michelle · on February 24, 2021 at 1:05 PM
Flag

Hide content
You can definitely feel any way you want. Because she is being so controlling, you have 2 options. You can attend and not consider this your main shower. Or you can decline and someone else host one for you and mother in law will become more controlling. It's very common to have 2+ showers and may be the best solution. Set your boundaries with her but let her have her party and your friends/family can host one another time.
- Reply
Savvy September 2021
Bumblebee3 · on February 24, 2021 at 4:21 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
This is great advice thank you! I think I’m doing just that! FH and his mom are very close so I’m hoping that it would be better coming from him anyways and to feel like I’m not overstepping.
- Reply
Champion July 2019
Veronica · on February 24, 2021 at 4:21 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
I sure hope it works out. You should be able to celebrate your marriage with those closest to you.
- Reply
Savvy September 2021
Bumblebee3 · on February 24, 2021 at 4:25 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
If there was a secondary shower, I would feel differently however we have not had anyone else offer to throw us another shower (and I don’t think it’s good etiquette to throw us one ourselves hah). My MOH isn’t even throwing me a bachelorette party so I don’t think she’d even think of throwing a bridal shower and the aunt I’m most close to is (rightfully so) occupied by her own son’s upcoming wedding. If I had a mother or grandmother alive to help arrange a party that would be quite different but unfortunately is not the case.
- Reply
VIP June 2019
MIWM · on February 26, 2021 at 4:27 PM
Flag

Hide content
It's your Bridal Shower, It's nice of her to throw you a Shower however I think it's very rude that she will not allow your friends to be there.
- Reply

Savvy September 2022
Kimberly · on February 28, 2021 at 4:48 PM
Flag

Hide content
I would definitely push back. You need your special people to be there to celebrate just like his special people. Also, wouldn't you think its appropriate for your bridal party to be invited (me assuming here you might have bridesmaids that are friends and currently not invited). What is she going to say? "No this is MY bridal shower!". I think its just an issue of perspective and you need to kindly let her know that "family only" doesn't apply to your situation.
- Reply