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L
Just Said Yes March 2010

Niece not included

LISA, on June 1, 2023 at 2:41 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 9
My stepdaughter is getting married and 10 days her dad and I have been married for 13 years and together for 17 years together. We have five kids. His daughter is getting married. My daughter has a two-year-old that is not being included in the wedding. Yes the bride and groom have requested no kids under the age of 13. The hard part is her biological nephew and his biological nephew are in the wedding party my granddaughter her niece Has not been included in the wedding party which is fine but she’s also being told she cannot attend the wedding or the wedding reception we had the understanding her father, and I that are paying for the wedding that nieces and nephews would be included so now after we’ve already booked the Airbnb with my daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter, now, my daughter has to decide whether or not to attend her stepsister’s wedding since her daughter is unable to go, and they are uncomfortable leaving their daughter with anyone else since it’s an out-of-town wedding six hours away from our home

9 Comments

Latest activity by CM, on June 5, 2023 at 6:22 PM
  • V
    Rockstar July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    The guest list is ultimately up to the bride and groom so while no one says you have to like it it's not your decision who they invite. I will say it does suck. My only suggestion would be is there someone they would trust that could travel with them and watch the child while they attend the wedding? My husband's older brother has four children three of which were young when we got married and after they ate at the reception (they were the flower girls & ring bearer) they went with their babysitter back to their room for the night. The babysitter traveled with my brother-in-law and his family which was about a 12 hour drive.
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  • LM
    Expert December 2022
    LM ·
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    Hopefully the caterer can adjust the numbers to subtract 1 or 2 adult meals, and the Airbnb takes modifications. I would not push it just because you're paying. Neither your daughter nor granddaughter are in the WP and not required to come. A toddler is a big ask when the original guideline was no one under 13.

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  • C
    CM ·
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    Can you arrange to bring a sitter with you and have her stay with your granddaughter in the AirBnB during the wedding? Have you discussed the issue with your step daughter?
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    This is a great example where picking and choosing “acceptable” children backfires badly. Whether some is planning their own wedding or on the outside looking in, people say that guests in these types of situations don’t ever get upset and that their feelings are unfounded, and that those who do get upset are entitled troublemakers. Based on the information given, you are within your rights to be understandably upset by the favoritism, which is what it is. Because the couple has chosen this hill, they have no grounds to be upset when guests decline because they intentionally made it difficult and inconvenient for guests to navigate. Decline the invitation and have a fun day with the kids who are not invited. Consider it a dodged bullet and be mindful that this behavior will likely continue for other family events.


    The fact that Airbnb prohibits weddings and parties and they can be shut down without notice or refunds is another topic.
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  • C
    CM ·
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    If you meant OP, she and her H are hosting her step-daughter’s wedding so she can’t very well decline. We don’t know if this was favoritism or the consequence of an (etiquette condoned BTW) age cut off. But yes, practically speaking it means the bride’s step-sister may no longer be able to attend. As hosts, OP and her H have some discretion over the guest list, especially as this was already discussed. If they are strictly contributing money as a gift, however, that’s not necessarily the case.

    The issue here is not that some immediate family children were included and not all children of all guests. But that OP’s daughter’s child is being treated differently than those of the bio siblings.


    OP didn’t say the wedding was taking place at the AirBnB, just that she was staying in one.

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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    I don’t see where there is any favoritism happening. The couple set a cut-off age limit (which is perfectly acceptable etiquette-wise). And the only “exceptions” would be the 2 nephews who are members of the wedding party (and that’s only IF they are under the age cutoff). But again, members of a wedding party are considered acceptable exceptions, etiquette- wise. So no, the couple has no done anything wrong here. They simply set boundaries that, unfortunately, are inconvenient for some guests; including the stepsister and her child. OP, I completely understand your disappointment. And I know it seems as though it wouldn’t be a big deal to make an exception for your granddaughter. However, the moment a couple makes an exception for one child, it opens the floodgates for every child of every guest. What they are doing is actually the correct way to handle it- they have set an age limit, and they are sticking to it, no exceptions. The couple also has to accept that, when making such stipulations, they are potentially setting themselves up for parents to have to decline attending. So if your daughter does not feel comfortable leaving her child at home with somebody, it is perfectly OK for her to decline attendance. An alternative would be to bring a sitter with them, who could stay with the child during the ceremony and reception. Or she could attend the wedding and the child’s father could stay home with the child.
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  • Laura
    Dedicated March 2024
    Laura ·
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    I agree with your comment Cece.
    Unfortunately, you will have to deal with the couple’s decision and find the most convenient solution for you and your daughter without holding any bad feelings. Just because you give money for the wedding doesn’t mean you have a say. I am also setting a cut age limit at my wedding (nobody under 18 years old) however, my two nephews of 5 years old are going because they are my exceptions.

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  • M
    Savvy January 2022
    Mallory ·
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    They aren't picking favorites - they made it clear that there are no children under 13 invited. Having two members of the wedding party outside of that is completely acceptable (and common). Was your niece's name on the invitation? Was she asked about a meal? It sounds like they either made an incorrect assumption or you told them it was fine to bring her. Regardless, they still have time to not go if they can't because of their daughter.

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  • C
    CM ·
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    There may be no favoritism involved but based on the little that's been written here, I don't know that it can be ruled out entirely, especially if the bio related wedding party kids are similar in age to the step sister's child and outside of the age cut off.

    I actually disagree with the idea that wedding party children in the same age range and who have an identical relationship to the couple should be an exception. To me, bridal party children are chosen based on their special relationship to the couple and are child guests first and foremost. The role is only secondary to that. It's always charming, but not a necessity to have children in the party at all. If they are included, I'd want any kids who are the same age, related in the same exact way to be there, too.

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