Newlyweds - Off to a bad start. Husband constantly lying

I hate to say it but I'm gonna reiterate what the PPs said - you gotta get out. I'm sorry but I don't think counseling is going to help this. He's telling some other chick that he settled for you and he should have been with someone else instead. Um there's not really any way to EXPLAIN that, ya know? Like he said what he said and it's like um what excuse can possibly be given for that?

View Quoted Comment Part of me is wondering if he's just doing it to flatter her and get attention from her? I couldn't see what else was said by her (but apparently she hasn't been interested in him like that... But then why would she waste her time talking to him?) My co-worker thinks he's doing it for the attention. But what if he really does feel that way? I know I won't get a straight answer out of him. I'm honestly debating if it's even worth bringing up (it WILL cause a fight, trust me). But I don't want him to think he can get away with it, too.

It sounds like there is a major trust issue and a relationship without trust is not something you want to build on. I would say bring it up in counseling and see how he reacts and go from there. You don't deserve to be "settled for" you deserve to be loved and put as a top priority and even though you may love him in the end only you will be the one hurt by his actions. I pray all works out and the two of you have a happy marriage but as for now I would get everything out in the open.

My ex-husband was a serial cheater. I was always afraid to do something about it. Then it started to affect our children. I left him 4 years ago. We had been married for 20 years, together for 24 and known each other for 38 years. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but also the best.

please leave before you have kids with him. He will continue to do this because you let him. He thinks you will never leave. You have to, for you. You deserve so much better.

View Quoted Comment Our next appointment isn't for another few days. I just tried calling to move it up sooner, but they're booked. Idk if I should bring it up to him first tonight/tomorrow, or ambush him at the appointment with it (he wouldn't be able to stall to come up with an excuse then if it's brought up on the spot). My co-worker is telling me to pretend that things are find until then. But I can't even let him touch me right now with how upset I am. How am I supposed to pretend over the next few days? Tonight is our date night, too. I have my own therapist that I see for my own personal things, and I tried to get in tonight, but they can't get me in until tomorrow.

View Quoted Comment I would talk to your therapist about it if you have an appointment for tomorrow and see what their take on it would be and if they feel it be a good idea to bring it up alone or be better in counseling and then go from there. If you are concerned about him being angry when you bring it up I hate to say this but maybe record the conversation just incase you need it in the future. As far as date night you could play it off as you don't feel good or like you've had a long day and maybe he will get the hint to back off.. but then you would be lying

View Quoted Comment Honestly, I just feel so sick to my stomach about this whole thing - so I wouldn’t be lying if I told him I didn’t feel well to do anything. I like your suggestion. I’ll try to just avoid saying what’s wrong tonight, and wait until tomorrow when I speak with my therapist to see if she thinks I should do it alone with him first or with a witness there at couples counseling (he’d be less likely to yell at me with the therapist there, so I’m kind of leaning towards that option. But I don’t want to ambush him and break his trust, even though he broke mine).

View Quoted Comment That sounds like something you need to get out of immediately. He definitely is not mature enough to be in a serious relationship, let alone a marriage. And most importantly, you deserve better! Easier said than done, I know, but please get out of that relationship!

View Quoted Comment Maybe just causally bring something up and see how he reacts and if he lies to you then be completely honest with him in counseling and tell him you have seen the messages already and let him know that you know he is being unfaithful and dishonest. That way you give him the benefit of the doubt and give him a chance to confess

View Quoted Comment Based on everything you have said, it sounds like you are afraid of your husband. I'm not sure if he has every physically abused you, but it definitely sounds like there is a history of emotional abuse. That and the fact that he is likely cheating on you and is lying to you about finances should be enough red flags for you to end this marriage. At this point, I don't think a therapist is going to do much since he is continuing to lie to you over and over again. He promised he wouldn't talk to other girls and he has. He told you he got a computer from work, but he actually bought it with your guys money. Unfortunately, your husband doesn't seem capable of being honest. I can honestly tell you that I think this relationship is only going to get worse. You are already questioning him and you've only been married for 3 months. That in or itself should tell you something. Personally, I think your co-worker is wrong.

View Quoted Comment How would you casually bring it up? I thought of asking to use his phone to take pics together (we often do that and he hands me his phone when I ask) on Snapchat. We like the filters lol. I could just happen to see that girls name there when I open the app, and then be like "why are you talking to her?" (I bet you he'll say she wants to buy something from his work). Then do I just click into it quickly and scroll to that message? Or do I tell him I know he's lying about why he's talking to her? If I just click into it, it'll look like it was by accident. But then then if I say I already know what's there, it will make him mad that I was previously snooping through his phone. Suggestions on how to bring it up?

He has two options:

1.) Go to marriage counseling with you, or

2.) You leave.

How is counseling fix this? He lies about other women, lies about money, hides the fact that he's pursuing other relationships. He has zero respect for you. File for divorce before he sinks you into bankruptcy with more hidden big expenses. Don't combine finances with him, don't risk having a baby with him, get out before he drags you down

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I'm with Willow and other PP here. It's not worth it. You might love him, but he doesn't enough to change for you. You'll be wasting your time, money, and yourself trying to fix this relationship. I've been in a toxic relationship like this where I was constantly on edge and always checking his emails and photos - and I ended up losing myself and was so lost cause everything was about this man who didn't care about me.

It's better being with someone who you trust and loves you back, and won't say that he's "settled" with you.

View Quoted Comment Well said! I have given her the same advice.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I caught my FH doing the exact same thing with someone two years ago. And he lied about it. I am 16yrs older and always figured he would want someone closer to his age and she was. At first I wanted to throw him out (I own the house). I was so hurt. So angry. And so sad. But like you said, I am so in love with him that I stopped him before he went out the door. He quit the job (she was someone he worked with), deleted his Facebook and changed his phone number. He is never away from me (as in never - we haven't been apart more than 2 nights (when I bought the house) since we met 3.5yrs ago) and I dont think his balls are big enough to actually cheat on me. But I know it is always a possibility since there is such a huge age difference. I love him unconditionally. It is the purest, deepest love I have ever felt - and there are no deal breakers for me. I need him. And I believe he loves me the same way.

So, I understand wanting to stay with him. I get it. And if you really do love him - confront him and work it out.

View Quoted Comment That could work but regardless it sounds like he will be upset for you going through his phone

View Quoted Comment If you bring it up before counseling he may not show up for the session. I understand it may feel like an ambush to him but that’s what therapists are for. Therapists are there for confrontation and support through hard times

My FH got cheated on like this from his previous marriage. He tried to make it work and she kept screwing him over. Even tried to get pregnant with his kid to have some steady money while she was with another man (thank goodness she didn’t whew!). I’m so glad he got out of that marriage because look, now he’s with me! I could never be with anyone like that. Not only did he do this before you got married but he literally broke his vows he said to you. Is it really a fair marriage at that point? Go find your Prince Charming girl because this one isn’t it!

It sounds like you are worrying about the wrong aspects of this. “What if he’s just doing it for attention?” If he is, that doesn’t make it any better. You need to respect yourself, see all the red flags, and get out as soon as possible. I know it seems overwhelming because you’re living it but if you take a step back and see if from the outside, there is nothing healthy about this. Please don’t try to explain away his behavior. He is being disrespectful and shady and you do not deserve for anyone to EVER say they are settling by marrying you.