Newlyweds - Off to a bad start. Husband constantly lying

Oops, pressed post instead of enter. 🤦🏼‍♀️ here's the rest.

The girls name that popped up, was one of the ones I told him to delete (because he was talking inappropriately with her). I was upset and asked why he was talking to her again? He said that she's interested in buying something from his workplace 🙄. I didn't believe him, so after he went to bed last night, I went on his phone and luckily he had his messages set to delete after 24 hrs. He told her that he wishes he could have been with her but that she didn't want to, and that no one else is comparing to her, and that he settled for me when he married me. 😭 My heart broke. I don't know how to go about this. He tried to hug and kiss me this morning as we left for work, but I was so hurt from what I read. Things have been very good with us lately. We go to couples counseling (even when things are good). If I bring it up and confront him, he'll change his phone password and I won't be able to see any ongoing messages. What do I do?

The other thing is, while I was looking through his phone, I found out he's been lying about finances to me. He told me he got a computer from work (it's believable since my work gives that kind of stuff away all the time when they no longer need it). His texts proved that he met someone off the classifieds and paid a lot of money for it the other day.

We're going on our third month of marriage, and I'm at a loss.

I hate to say this, but that sounds like something to get out of immediately. If you can't confront him about this over fear that he's going to change his phone password, that's a HUGE issue. There's no reason you shouldn't have the password to each others phones, but in a healthy relationship you also shouldn't need to use them. What he said to that girl was unacceptable on top of his behavior of flirting/courting other women in general. I would be gone.

I'm not married yet, but my FH and I have been in a relationship for 6 years now. I think that it's important to have transparency in a relationship - whether you're married or dating. If this is a recurring theme, I think you should ask him to be truthful to you about what is going on if this is bothering you. It can only get worst if there isn't trust. Best of luck!

I'm so sorry you are going through this - but from what you wrote, it happened many times before and though you are in counseling and he promised to not do that - he still does. I can't imagine how awful you felt when you read about him picking her over you - that is not cool at all....
I think it's up to you - if you can live w someone like that or not. Chances of him changing I don't think are high. Lying about $$$ is just one more thing. What else is going on? Can you really ever trust him? And if you can't how can you build a life w him....

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I just read this part...I'm sorry, but there are SO many Red flags here. Third month of marriage, but it'll be better to get out of the relationship now instead of a year or 2 down the line when he's cheated on you or has taken all the money from your shared bank account.

Protect yourself first!

Bring it up in couples counseling, that is what you are there for anyway. If he changes his password so what, you already know the truth.

He needs individual counseling as well, this sounds like an addiction.

If he has been cheating and lying to you for a year I would get out now, he showed you his true colors and you married him anyway. It doesn't sound like he intends on changing.

View Quoted Comment We have weekly counseling, and we have a session coming up again in a few days. I thought of bringing it up then, but my co-worker said it would be an ambush to him, and it'll make him mad. I am so in love him, but I know that what he's doing is not okay. I don't know what to do. I want to see what else he's saying to her (or anyone else), but if I say something to him, he'll get defensive and most likely change his password. Then I won’t know of anything he's lying about. But why do I want to be with someone who’s lying to me, though? Its so hard. This completely blindsided me, especially since he’s been so loving, especially lately.

Unfortunately, it sounds like he isn't going to change and you should get out of this marriage before you start a family or anything like that. It sounds like he is a pathological liar. I know my husband had porn on his SnapChat but he deleted most of them. I know he didn't delete all of them, but he has never kept that a secret. My husband has always been honest with me. Marriage is about being honest and it sounds like your husband isn't good at being honest. If I read what you do, his stuff would be packed and I would have told him to go have a nice life with the girl he has been texting. Cheating is 100% unacceptable to me. The fact you are worried about saying something to him because he will get mad and change his password isn't okay. He obviously has something to hide. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You a million percent deserve someone who is honest with you, treats you with love and respect, and doesn't tell other girls he picked you because he couldn't be with someone else.

I think you’re focusing on a lot of things that are just a small part of the issue. You don’t want to confront him in therapy because he might get mad but you don’t want to confront him at home because he’ll change the password to his phone and then you won’t know if he’s lying? Nothing about either of those statements is healthy. Relationships take work and the biggest part of that work is communication. If you can’t or won’t communicate with him and you don’t trust him to communicate with you, that doesn’t sound like a relationship worth being in.

View Quoted Comment Him getting defensive, changing passwords etc when confronted is a typical behavior of a liar and a cheater. Do you really need to know more? From what you wrote he's "cheating" on you, if not physically but with his words (which to me is even worse), he lies about money (this is scary, my father in law screwed my sweet mother in law out of so much money, her life savings, ruined her credit..etc u don't want that to happen to you)... What if the girl he was talking to said oh yea let's have sex or yea I want to be with you ... What would happen then? I understand the being in love thing but man you really are better off removing yourself from this situation.
If you confront him - there won't be a better way to do it - he will be mad, try to make it seem like it's your fault, then swear this will never happen again but you know it will..

I would also say that if you decide on a divorce, make sure you have evidence of his infidelity/deception. Divorce laws vary from state to state, but it definitely can't hurt to have some proof on your side to protect yourself. Divorce can get really nasty really quickly.

View Quoted Comment From what he said to her: he wishes he could be with her, but it seemed like she didn't have an interest in him in that way (but who knows). Why did he marry me then, if he really wants her (or someone else)? Why "settle"?

That's something you should ask him. But I wouldn't necessarily believe him. Maybe he was just trying to have sex w her? That's kind of a big thing he said, maybe some girl would buy it.

View Quoted Comment I don't want to be hurtful, but my guess is because he figures he can get some action from you which in his mind might be better than none. Some guys are just jerks like that.

Fortunately (and unfortunately), our bank accounts are still separate. We opened a joint account together before the wedding, but we haven't transitioned anything over to it yet, so it's just sitting there. It's unfortunate, though, because he still has his account, and I can't see what "our" money is going towards. I'm glad I found out about him buying that computer, because now I know he's lying about money, too. I want to know what else he's paying for because he's always short on money (even though he makes more than me). Could I open his bank statement that comes in the mail? Or is that "illegal"? 🙄

I would seek couples counseling immediately and try to work through this. After several sessions, you'll have more of an idea of what to do next.

View Quoted Comment That is illegal, but I think the question you need to ask yourself is this the life you want for the rest of your life or is this the type of relationship you would want your children to be witness if you should have children? My guess is your answer is no to both questions. I can tell you that if you stay with this man you are going to question everything he does and says. I can tell you this because my dad cheated on my mom. She stayed with him and still 21+ years later she still questions the things he says.

View Quoted Comment I don't think it is any more illegal than reading his text messages. Also..as a wife you might be financially responsible for his stupidity so it is actually the absolutely normal and right thing to do to protect yourself - open his statement

Honestly, there are SO many red flags here. #1 being that you’re worried he will change his password if you confront him. I know my FH password but I never use it and if I didn’t know it, I wouldn’t be concerned. You have to ask yourself is this how you really want to spend your marriage/life? Wondering if he really loves you? If he’s cheating on you? If he’s telling the truth? I know there has to be some hesitation in regards to being such newly weds but better now than when there’s more at stake.

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I just asked my married co-workers and they told me when you're married you're legally bound to them so it's not "illegal" if you open their bank statement. It's more of a moral issue apparently.