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Amanda
Dedicated October 2020

New in laws hate me

Amanda, on October 15, 2020 at 12:47 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 1 17
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I’m just needing somewhere to vent... 3 days into our marriage and I find out that my husbands family essentially hates me. My brother in law was a groomsman in our wedding. It was an awkward situation because I had one bridesmaid and he had two groomsman and he chose to make my brother his best man. Well I believe his mother led him to believe he was 2nd best man and he prepared a toast and everything. There was never any indication that he was, she just couldn’t believe he wouldn’t give that title to his brother who does nothing for him. At the rehearsal he was drinking warm beers meant for the wedding, him and his dad then went and got ice so they could drink them cold. My husband asked them to stop and they got snarky because his parents paid for it. We went and picked it all up and added in a few cases ourselves. The rest of the evening and most of the next day went fine. After the ceremony, during photos we asked his dad to get us some appetizers since we hadn’t ate. He complained came back complained some more about having to hold them and just started eating them. Several people on my husbands side didn’t come or left early. A lot of them didn’t even bring a card, including his own brother who asked us several times about our registry. His girlfriend bought us something and he made her return it. Then he proceeded to brag about the shotgun he was going to buy. He left pretty early and didn’t come back the next day to help clean like he was asked. My husband then wrote out a letter and proceeded to text him because he didn’t think he could get through a call. His brother than proceeded to attack and blame me. Told my husband he was disrespectful to his whole family. Made it clear that him and his family didn’t like me. I was devastated, a sobbing mess, and pushed right back into my depression. I sent a message to his brother letting him know I saw what was said, that I was hurt and that I had nothing to do with anything my husband said. I told him I would still treat him as family but frankly I just don’t know how to bounce back from this.

17 Comments

Latest activity by Yoshika, on June 14, 2022 at 4:40 PM
  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    Honestly, I would just have as little contact with his family as possible. You didn't do anything to make them hate you, so it's unlikely you can do anything to make them like you. I can't imagine how upsetting the situation is, but at the end of the day the issue is on them.
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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    All of this. I'm sorry you're going through this and I can definitely relate. Unfortunately, you can't build or repair a relationship unless the other party also has the same intentions.

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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    I agree with others have as little contact with them as possible. You don't need that kind of negativity around you especially when you did nothing wrong. It sounds to me like anything your husband does that his family doesn't agree with, they will always blame you. Unfortunately there are a lot of families like that who always blame the spouse for how their relative is being or what they say. I'm sorry you have to deal with that, you don't deserve it and I can't imagine how you must feel. I think your husband needs to have a talk with them and set them straight.
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  • Amanda
    Dedicated October 2020
    Amanda ·
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    That was my first idea. The only problem is, if I don’t go with my husband to visit his family, he won’t go. We were going to his parents once a week and he already said that’s not happening anymore and holidays will likely be spent with my family. Well part of the accusations were that I isolate him from his friends and family and I have very successful. We’ve been together since high school, 10 years. He just finished college, got a steady job, and moved closer to home (we were 4.5 hours away from everyone). His brother never once came down to see us.
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  • Amanda
    Dedicated October 2020
    Amanda ·
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    It’s always been that way unfortunately. He tried talking to his mom and she said she wanted no part of this. Then Went on to say how his brother was upset because he thought he was 2nd best man. This breaks my heart because my mom went through the same situation with her in laws and In turn I had no relationship with most my dads family. I’ve told my husband and his brother that they will not make me out to be the reason my kids have no relationship with their uncle.
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  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    It sucks but at the end of the day, they have to deal with those consequences. They're going to blame you for everything, regardless of whether or not it's your fault. Your husband should tell them that if they can't behave then he won't spend as much time with them. The decision is in their hands, as they are the ones being inappropriate. There isn't really anything you can do other than try to accept the reality for your own well being and mental health.
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  • Tina
    Beginner May 2021
    Tina ·
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    My BIL and SIL hate me too. It’s a long story but it boils down to they are weird as hell. I tried, really I did, and you know what, all it lead to was putting up with their horrible treatment longer than I should of. I regret not standing up for myself from the very beginning. I learned my lesson.


    Right now you will feel sad and upset and the emotions are more visceral, but as time goes on you will be able to really see their actions for what they are.
    Your husband loves you, he married you.
    He is choosing and supporting you.
    It is so hard, but try to cut the time you spend trying to figure out “why are they like this/doing this” Some people are just, for lack of a better word, odd. I would distance yourself, but be cordial.
    If they want to hold onto resentment or hateful feelings, that’s their business. All you have a responsibility to is your own mental health. You do not deserve to put up with that, and you do not owe anybody anything! Shame on them.
    You poor thing, you just got married!!! Enjoy this time lovie! They should know better than to behave that way.
    See the low-class behavior and learn the lesson from it. It’s not how I would ever act, but some people lack manners or “class” and that’s just how it is. Don’t let them get in your head and bring you unhappiness. You can talk it out with your husband and vent, but always remember to put them and the situation into perspective.
    My future in-laws (besides my MIL, she’s great) blocked us, hate us, all because we quit (respectfully) allowing ourselves to in situations where we were going to be treated like that. We still send cards and goodies to their kids and for them write a just a single line for whatever holiday it is. (For ex: Merry Christmas -our names) Don’t get wrapped up in their petty games, there are no winners, I promise.
    Don’t let them have a real reason to spout of about why you are “so terrible”. Keep it short and simple, keep your distance, be polite, and live your life. They are obviously miserable people to fixate on others and try to bring misery to them.
    Show them how you are supposed to do it, and just move on with your life. The best revenge is living well.
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  • Amanda
    Dedicated October 2020
    Amanda ·
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    Thank you! I know I have zero control over how they think about me. I cry because my family has been so warm and welcoming to my husband. My brother who is a difficult person to get a long with found a best friend and my nephew likes my husband more than me. Lol They would drop anything in a heartbeat to help my husband. My extended family hugged and welcomed him to the family at the reception while a few of his family congratulated us. I dreamt of having a MIL I could go shopping with and a BIL I could call if I just wanted to talk. I would do anything for this man, if that means putting up with family that hates me for the rest of my life then so be it.
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    That is very sad, I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I don't know why people are like that. Like I could see if you did something wrong or was nasty or something like that but to just automatically not like you from the start. They are just going to end up hurting their son in the long run and push him away. My family dislikes my brothers wife, however we didn't hate her from the beginning. We only started hating her after she has tried to destroy our family on more than one occasion. But even though we don't like her we are still nice and cordial to her, because like my mom always says we love him more than we hate her. And so we are nice for him.
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  • Belle
    VIP August 2022
    Belle ·
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    Sorry for the nightmare. I only suggest to ignore his family and don’t be sad or bad about it. You will be happier without the toxic relationship. I drew the line after 21 years of marriage. I was done. Now I am in such a peace not hearing about his super toxic mom anymore. I like drama, but only in movies cgeer
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  • Belle
    VIP August 2022
    Belle ·
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    *Cgeer = cheers
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  • Tina
    Beginner May 2021
    Tina ·
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    (I do apologize if this has been posted and it’s the second time you were seeing this message, I thought I had posted it once before but I didn’t see it so I am trying again)

    You can’t blame or take accountability for your husband’s actions or lack of. He is a grown man. Talk with him frankly. Tell him that you think he should go visit them alone. At the end of the day, he is their “blood”. He doesn’t need you to hold his hand. See what he says. If he agrees, great. If he still decides, “no, I’m not going.” Then you tell him, just be aware, but I am encouraging you to go. I support your decisions and no matter my relationship with them, I respect your relationship with them and will never not support you seeing them. So with that being said, if you chose not to go, then that’s on you.
    To me your situation sounds similar to mine. My fiancé had a very distant relationship with his brother. They are very different personalities plus his brother thinks of himself as being “smarter, a better person, a better Christian, blah blah blah” he and his wife ride on invisible high horses, lol. Once I came into the picture, and began to be treated and talked to in ways and about things that were very inappropriate, and told them that I didn’t think it was appropriate and I don’t want to be spoken to like that, boy did that set it off. Now I’m blamed for the whole relationship “falling apart” even though for YEARS it had only been hanging on by a thread! People who are friends of the family even knew that the brothers relationship was almost over before I ever made it into the picture.
    I just gave the in-law’s their reason to spout off about how they “can’t associate with us”. Yet in the same breath, they will blame us for not being around or having a relationship when they ignored us, blocked us, never ever sent us a card, despite us sending one every holiday, never came to our house after being invited many times. Never trying to work it out or talk with us, although we tried more than once. After being ignored through text message so many times my fiancé actually went to his brothers work so he could have a heart to heart with him about the relationship and say that he wanted to be able to spend time with his brother and enjoy their company. That got us no where. They still ignored us and then To other people like mutual friends they sit there and cry about how we don’t want anything to do with them which isn’t true at all.
    The more that you look at the whole history of the relationship and what has happened versus what they say it makes absolutely no sense I know a little bit about mental gymnastics but I feel like I would have to have a PhD to get up to their level.
    Their behavior will never make sense I’ve stopped trying to figure it out and just recognize that they are very different and that’s just how it is. My fiancé and I were still open to having a relationship that is respectful and honest and genuine. We would love to have a talk with them one day and talk everything out and move on and move forward and if they ever want to do that as well we will be here. That is basically what we told them and we haven’t heard from them since. So *shrugs* There isn’t much more that we can do again this is a shortened reply but if that is how they are behaving toward you I highly doubt that you are the only problem. It seems to me like there’s a lot going on underneath The surface and you are just a really good scapegoat.
    So you just remove yourself from the crazy you wish them well, God bless ‘em, and you enjoy your married life.
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  • B
    Dedicated April 2021
    Bridget ·
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    I feel for you. Most of my fiances family hated me too and for no reason honestly. They just didn't like that we were 17 when we got together. His dad was the only one who liked me. After we had our first child his mom got along better with me. Here we are 19 years later, his brother literally just started being okay with me after my fiances dad passed away and my fiances sister still hates me. It used to bother me at first but eventually I stopped caring. I got the whole either they like me or they dont attitude. It is what it is. If they don't like you that's their problem. At the end of the day it's their loss not yours.
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  • Tina
    Beginner May 2021
    Tina ·
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    It is definitely hard realizating things may not go the way you pictured. I to understand, I know that I don’t know you very well but I did not know my father side of the family either didn’t have any relationship with them so I had always imagined that whoever I married would have a big family and we would spend a lot of time together.


    But unfortunately that is not the way that it happened, And like you just said we love our men so much that we will put up with the “disappointment” (or whatever you want to call it)
    And you know what who knows maybe things will change. I wouldn’t hold my breath, but you never know what will happen in the future.
    I am wishing you the best of luck I am sorry that you are going through this it is definitely not easy. You don’t deserve to be treated like that and I hope that even though this is a difficult time and it can get to you a little bit with self-esteem or with your emotions and bring you down because trust me I have been there. Just try to keep it into perspective. It is not worth your time do not allow this to steal your happiness. Life is short, so make the most out of it.
    Stay true to yourself don’t do anything that you are going to regret. I recommend talking with your fiancé having honest conversations, Maybe get a little exercise, (My fiancé and I may or may not have purchased Little boxing hand targets lol) feels great to get the emotions out, work this energy out of you however you need to. Don’t let this fester inside of you, and steal any more joy than it already has!
    Also I did see another person commented that what is going to happen is they are just going to push your husband farther away and I don’t know about your experience but I can say that from mine: My fiancé said that he has so much resentment towards his family and he feels so disrespected by the way that they have treated me. He said that before he was able to just ignore it but after seeing them treat me like that it just pissed him off. He said it was like a slap in the face. I don’t know what the right answer is or exactly how to handle this, I can say that we tried and tried and that we did “the right thing” and it went no where with them. But it has allowed for the two of us to be at peace with where things are. Because we can honestly say “you know what we tried. multiple times, genuinely...and so the state of the relationship is on them.”
    OK I have rambled on and on enough and I need to be productive, And stop typing out books LOL.
    I hope you have an amazing rest of your day!!! You can do this and overcome, we are all stronger and more capable than we think.
    Here’s to you, and here’s to me, and what hopefully will be a very good story one day! It does get easier, once I lost respect for them and could not longer take them serious, it didn’t get to me as badly.
    OK and with that I swear I’m done! I just have been in (kinda am in) your shoes and I know what it’s like and it sucks, you’re not alone....unfortunately for me /s Smiley winking lol

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  • Amanda
    Dedicated October 2020
    Amanda ·
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    That’s the thing, there’s been times where I’ve decided not to go over to his parents because things they’ve said or done. They invite us over for dinner and he declines because I just can’t get myself to go. He says that he won’t leave me home by myself and without dinner. They don’t realize that I’m an emotionally distressed person who is constantly battling with depression. They want to believe there sons are best friends and are super close. If something small happens in my husbands life, his mom wants him to call his brother and tell him. We’ve struggled the last year and things just seemed to get worst for us. His mom called and told his brother everything, after my husband wouldn’t. It made us feel so vulnerable. Not everybody needs to know our struggles. My husband and his brother are very different people and have nothing in common. I struggle to see any similarities. This fight has been a long time coming, as they literally have never had fight, they just bottle it all up which is why I believe they have become so distant. My brother and I are very close and we fight often. We don’t bottle things up, we get it out in the open. I encouraged my husband to talk to his brother after the wedding because he was literally in tears about it. I had nothing to do with what was said but was accused of dictating the whole conversation. My husband was at work all day when it went down. The last 6 months his brother has changed. He use to hug me and be so nice. I just don’t know what happened.
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  • M
    Super October 2022
    Michele ·
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    That is so heartbreaking! It would be best for you and your husband to avoid any future contact with his family because they clearly have zero respect for either of you.
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  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
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    As someone with a toxic family, this seems like a GREAT reason to just... walk away.

    Walk away and make your own life together.

    If they complain, all you have to do is point out their behavior here.

    It's rough for your DH, so I suggest counseling (SO HELPFUL), but the reward is removal from a toxic situation and people who will spend more time trying to hurt you than help you.

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