Nervously Engaged & Wedding Planning

What conversations have you had so far? Is there a reason your parents aren't happy with you getting married? I would start there and try to address their concerns. If that doesn't work, my best advice is to keep moving forward. Don't wait on their approval to plan your wedding.

View Quoted Comment We’ve only had conversations about the engagement really. They told me they wanted me to finish ALL of my education (Undergraduate + Law School/ Grad School) before getting married. I’ve shown my mom the venues I’ve liked but she had very little interest and gave me some side eye. They think that I shouldn’t be married before I start my career. And thank you for your advice tidbit!

Are your parents concerned that you are too young to be getting married? Or that you won't finish your educational goals once you get married? Or maybe they don't like FH? These are valid concerns for parents. However, you are an adult, and can decide for yourself when is the right time to get married.

My other question is: are you expecting your parents to pay for your wedding? Or some portion of it? This may be another reason for them to be giving you the silent treatment. Maybe they don't think they can afford to pay for a big wedding. There are lots of questions out there, because you didn't give us a lot of detail to go on.

It sounds like you need to have a conversation with your parents. But before you do, make sure you know what your expectations are. You don't really need their approval to get married, but if you are expecting them to pay for a wedding, you need to listen to their input. You should anyway, out of respect.

But, if you and FH are paying for your wedding on your own, then my best advice is to stop sharing any details with your parents. For whatever reason, they are obviously not too happy about this, and get quiet when you talk about the wedding. So, go about your planning without any input from them. Don't share any details, because that will just invite negativity.

Are they paying for the wedding? If they are then you are kind of at their mercy.

If you are paying for it yourself or FH's family is helping then you can do what you have planned.

As far as talking to them, maybe try one on one with whoever you are closest to, to see what they have to say. Show them your research, sound your concerns about family, and mostly show how committed you are. It's hard for parents to see their children grow up and be so independent so young.

Alternate idea, could you have a small engagement party to celebrate with close family? This might be a way to include those who you fear might not be well enough to make it to your wedding.

View Quoted Comment Thank you Cristy! They’ve mainly expressed the fact that they think I won’t finish my educational goals by being married. Ideally I would like them to contribute to at least my dress but FH & I are also willing to pay for everything on our own.

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Thanks, Lauren! I haven't even been able to discuss figures with them because of the whole cold should situation that arises every time I try to talk about something related to wedding planning. I'm slightly expecting them to pay for at least my dress, but we are also okay paying for the wedding on our own.

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That was my Dad's only rule when it came to my FH. We had been together 4-ish years when my FH bravely started talking to my dad about marrying me. He wasn't against it and he loves my FH he just looked him in the eye and said, "finish school first". Honestly that made FH more motivated to do well and graduate early. Out of respect FH didn't ask again or propose until we graduated and were working full time.

Are they contributing to the cost of your future schooling and/or the wedding? If so, then I think you probably want to take their concerns into consideration. If they pull their contributions because they disagree with you decision to marry now, can you cover the cost of your plans without their help? However, if you and your fiance are financially independent and are paying for your education and the wedding yourselves, then I think you just inform them of your plans/date and get to work! (As a parent, I do understand their preference for you to finish your education and be set in your career before getting married. Any graduate program is going to be demanding, stressful, and expensive. They may be concerned that it will become too much and you'll end up not fulfilling your current goals. I'd try to hear them out to be sure you understand their concerns.) Good luck!

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Yeah, as a parent of a young woman, I can totally understand their concern. However, they also have to accept that you are a grown woman now, and you can and will make your own life decisions. If your education/career is important to you, you will continue on that path until you reach your goals. Being married won't change that. They have to trust that you know how to get what you want for yourself, and will continue to do that. It's not easy for them, I'm sure.

It's good that you are willing to pay for your own wedding. Hopefully your parents will be able to trust you to make the best decisions for yourself, and get on board with this. In the meantime, I'm serious about not telling them anything. If you search the forums here, you'll see a bunch of conversations about families interfering and stressing out the bride and groom with their opinions. The best advice is always to stop telling them things about the wedding, and they won't be able to give their opinions. Sad that it has to happen that way sometimes. Hopefully, if your parents can see that you're not ditching all your life plans in order to get married, they'll come around. Good luck!!

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Thank you MOB So Cal! My parents are only financially supporting my education for my last semester (I graduate this December). They said they were not going to help me finance my graduate education. Thank you for providing the parental view on my situation as well

I got engaged when I was 22 and I will be almost 24 when we get married in a couple weeks, so I'm relatively young especially since where I live people tend to not get married until they're closer to 30. With that said, my parents and his parents were/are super excited and happy for us and completely support us. However, we had already finished college and were working in our careers when we got engaged. We were also already moved out and living together and 100% financially independent from our parents. We also both have really good jobs and make really good money, especially for being pretty young. We are not the typical 22-24 year olds that most people know and think of and we have been together for over 6 years so everyone has been super happy for us. We have both, since getting engaged 18 months ago, moved into even better jobs making more money, bought a house, and continued to grow. Are you still dependent on your parents? Do you have a job and your own place to live? Do you pay all your own bills? I don't think our parents would have been as happy/supportive if we were getting engaged and married before successfully settling ourselves up financially, indepedentely, etc.

I would just plan as if they are not contributing. Start looking at venues. Pick a date and then make sure their available for said date. Then just plan. If they want to contribute, they'll offer.

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As a parent, I might be concerned because you haven't yet graduated with your BA. I don't mean to be rude or judgmental, but I'd probably kind of roll my eyes at this point, too. Daughter and SIL started dating when they were 15, and pretty much always knew they would be together, but they didn't get engaged until after they both graduated from college and didn't get married until after daughter was well established in her career and SIL had finished his grad program and was fully employed. They share our belief that married people need to be financially independent and fully capable of managing every aspect of their lives, so they didn't make plans to get married until they were pretty much set on that path. Maybe your parents have some similar concerns. Also, we have attorneys in our family; law school is extremely demanding and very expensive. Not many law students can work while they are in school. We have a relative who graduated a few years ago with more than $150,000 in debt, AND, although she was near the top of her class, really struggled to find a job. Depending on your fiance's career, your parents may be very concerned about your financial future. One of the best ways to be treated like an adult is to interact with your parents and others as an adult. Perhaps start the conversation by explaining that you've noticed they don't seem very happy about your engagement, and tell them you'd really like to understand their concerns, and then, really listen to them. I'd guess they only want what is best for you. Ultimately, you are legally an adult and can make your own decisions and choices, but strong family ties can make any marriage that much stronger and easier. Good luck to you!

EDT: when daughter was a junior in college she said something about she and SIL getting engaged and starting to plan for their wedding, and, quite honestly, I'm sure I DID roll my eyes, because they were not anywhere near being fully self-supporting at that point. Also, I fully agree with the post after this one, that there are lots of ways to continue an education and each person needs to figure that timing out for themselves. (I'm a college professor, so I've seen this first hand.) OP, if you are committed to going to law school immediately, then I'd really think about the practicalities of how that's going to happen, especially if you get married next spring. But, if that's more of a dream of your parents and you don't really want to do that, or it's something you might want to do in the future, then, absolutely, I agree you need to follow your own plan. But, I still think married people need to be able to be financially independent, no matter whether they are still in school or not.

I think it's understandable they want you to graduate and stick to your academic goals. But I do also think it's kind of unreasonable for them to assume that won't happen just because of marriage or because of planning a wedding. It can ALL happen at once. I think parents sometimes have the idea that it's better to drive our focus to a specific thing at a time. But if you relay to them that you're a capable woman who can handle it all and would like their support then I'm sure it'll be ok.
And also, school is just a topic I feel like parents don't always understand - school will always be there. What's it anyway if you don't go right after your bachelor's? Or if you go later in life, etc. It is moreso about achieving a goal and not how fast or when you get there to it.
I'm very sensitive to people feeling pressured about their education because I've seen countless students feel extra stress so I don't want you to feel like you absolutely have to get things done by x time.

I understand both sides here. On one hand, you and your fiancée are wanting to get married a bit earlier for a reason. On the other, you are really young and I completely get your parents wanting you to finish school first. My fiancée and I waited until we were both done with school before we decided to start our wedding planning. I’m really glad we have waited because now we have the money to afford the wedding we want, and it feels a lot more official to be adults with our college education getting married.

I am not a younger bride, but I was in and out of school for a while, my fiance is finishing his education a few weeks before our date. That being said our parents are not footing the bill for our education. Frankly I think if they are footing the bill they have every right to be mad at you for being engaged now and their concerns are really valid. Wedding planning and getting married is a huge time commitment. And they're right that young married women DO get discriminated against in the work force, we are often seen as liabilities to go off and have children, yes even in today's world people hold that view still. Frankly I think it was selfish and poor planning to accept a proposal while someone else is funding your education, you should have finished this degree before announcing an engagement.
Also you shouldn't assume they will pay for anything, not in general, and especially not now.
You shouldn't talk with them about the money, but you should probably make peace with them. Tell them their fears are very real things and how you and your fiance plan to continue your education and career after the wedding. I think if you and your spouse can explain your plans and intentions to continue your education and career they will feel better knowing you both are taking your responsibilities and their fears seriously. Overall this seems like your parents hearts are in the right places, but they aren't doing a good job communicating it to you, communication is hard. Maybe if you seem to come from a place of understanding instead of opposition they'll be more open to the idea.

I am 3 years older than you, but as someone who comes from a VERY education-focused family, I understand what you're going through. I just finished my Masters degree and will be getting married at 25 (mind you, I always said I didn't want to "get married young," which to me and my group of friends and family was anything under 30).

My parents reacted pretty well; However, FH is 9 years older and was already established, owned a home, etc. when we met. I honestly think that asking them if they would contribute may actually do more harm than good. If they are already feeling concerned about it, I think that you proving to them that you are taking on all of the adult responsibility could help. My dad seeing FH and I manage life and (before I met FH) seeing me become more and more independent was a big step in him treating me more like an adult.

Plus, the truth is, if they have any desire to help, they will offer. I never asked my parents and they ended up offering to help when we started planning. Good luck!

I’m 22 and recently engaged as well. I found that both our families were in on the engagement but were initially concerned with how financially we would work out the wedding considering I am in school as well. It took some months for my mother to be more into the idea of wedding planning. I think as long as you show you can handle yourself and your future marriage to your family is when they may come around. Bring up wedding stuff in small amounts. Such as things you can afford at the moment or in a few months. I would show my mom I had steps in a list of things I wanted to accomplish. Get pictures done, then look at venues, book a venue, etc. I made sure to also discuss what my future marriage to my FH meant to me. That I had personal goals beyond our marriage and that our marriage would not get in the way. I wanted my mother to understand that my future was still important but now it would involve someone guiding and helping me every step of the way (My FH). I don’t know your parents, but mine appreciated that I focused not only the wedding process with them but how my school/career process is going as I plan the wedding. Parents usually flip over young adults getting married because they don’t feel like they are mature yet, so you may have to “show” them that you are. Do research, make lists and goals, not only for your wedding, but yourself. Good luck and congratulations! Don’t get too stressed! Remember why you are getting married!

Hi there! I’m a young bride as well, I’ll be 22 too lol! I would recommend sitting down with them and coming to an understanding about their concerns. You are an adult, and they should be able to respect your choices, and respect you as an adult. I unfortunately became estranged from my entire family due to them completely hating my fiancé and being extremely racist, and they could not respect me as an adult. If your parents truly love and care about you, they should be willing to listen and honor your wishes.

I'm 23 and my parents aren't happy about me getting married either. I finished my Bachelor's of science over a year ago and have a great job. FH just finished his degree and also got a really good job. For some reason, even though my mom got married and had 2 kids before she was my age, she thinks I'm too young to get married. I think it stems from regret. Maybe she feels like she didn't get to do everything she wanted because she got married too young. IDK. I do think you should both finish your first degree and make sure at least one of you has a good, stable job. Finances cause a lot of problems in marriages so that may be one angle they are concerned about. Even so, if you want to get married and they are acting like you say they are, it seems like you will probably have to pay for the wedding yourself.