Carrie
Dedicated October 2020

Need to vent

Carrie, on February 13, 2020 at 11:30 AM Posted in Community Conversations 0 27
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So last week one of my bridesmaids dropped out (wedding 10-31-20), claiming that she cant afford the dress (I have a few bridesmaids on a budget $150 was the most expensive dress) and doesn't want her wife paying for her stuff. I offered to pay for her dress and I told her there was time and we could get it. She still said no. Fast forward to a couple days ago she posted on social media that she couldnt wait to get her nails and toes done. I was livid! First off before ANYONE says that my wedding isnt priority I KNOW! I get it as women we ALL love having our nails and toes done (im a practicing cosmologist i understand the need for it) but when you come to me and tell me you cant afford your dress AND you dont want you wife paying for it (her wife is my FH's sister) makes NO sense to me at all cause I know that her wife will be the one paying for her nails and toes to get done BUT she cant afford a dress (also i picked out dress that they could pick to wear MORE then once). I may be coming off as like a witch but, I am hurt. One of my other bridesmaids has a child who has autisim and her and her husband are VERY tight on $ and she has to not only get her dress but her daughters as well (her daughter is a jr bridesmaid) but they are still in. Her nails and toes are gonna cost her somewhere in the $75-$100 range (thats with tip too). I am kinda hurt by this. Like I wanna say something to her about it, but i also dont want to be THAT bride, you know. I have been told that I have no reason to be upset and that I need to understand this and that . I DO!!!!!!! I get it!!!! But if you are having your wife pay for your nails and toes why cant we split the dress 2 ways? Her wife pay half and I'll pay the other half. She is also doing my makeup for the day and I am going to pay her (that was never a question). OK sorry vent over.

27 Comments

  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    Your feelings are valid, but you need to work through them and then let them go. There’s absolutely nothing that you can do about it and you definitely shouldn’t say anything to this friend about her own finances.
    • Reply
  • Amber
    Rockstar February 2020
    Amber ·
    • Flag

    It sounds like money isn't an issue and she just isn't comfortable being a bridesmaid for whatever reason. She probably made up the money excuse because she figured it would be the least hurtful to hear. I completely understand your frustration, but I wouldn't confront her about it, it would only cause problems. Just accept her decision and be thankful that she dropped out now and not a week before the wedding. Keep your head up! Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • N
    Dedicated April 2020
    N ·
    • Flag
    I feel this. It’s hard to accept that friends won’t prioritize being there for you over some silly things. I think it also is just the feeling of, you’ll find out who your true friends are.
    • Reply
  • Carrie
    Dedicated October 2020
    Carrie ·
    • Flag

    First off Pam there ARE other dress on the list they can choose that ARE cheaper then $150 that is the cheapest I could find out of the styles I LIKE!!!! ALSO i am helping my other bridesmaid pay for her daughters dress so instead of ASSUMING that I am MAKING them pay for this is wrong of you!!! I am NOT that person. I GET it if you cant afford it I WILL help. I just find it funny how she is saying she CANT pay for the dress AND DOESNT want her wife paying for it but she WILL have her wife pay for her nails when she made it clear that she didnt want her wife paying for ANY OF HER STUFF (to me that is NAILS AND TOES). I am making my wedding as LOW budget as possible cause i know not EVERYONE has money (MYSELF INCLUDED!!). I also communicate with my bridal party as OFTEN as possible an I make it known that I am willing to help with something if they need. In fact cause my one bridesmaids daughter is SO close to me I am doing her hair AND makeup so mom doesnt have to worry. SO before judging me and saying im MAKING her pay for her dress read the article again. You have NO idea what how I have things set up for them to make it EASY for them to find, I DID keep in mind that she is on a tight budget I also know that she is a bigger girl and ordering stuff online for her is a NO!!! As its hard to get her measured thats why I chose davids bridal and i also told her find what FITS her budget!!!!!!!!

    • Reply
  • Kimber
    Devoted June 2020
    Kimber ·
    • Flag

    Try to let it go. You never know, she could have had a gift card, she could have found a groupon. As someone who has been a bridesmaid several times, it's rarely just the cost of a dress. There's showers, parties, hair and makeup, accessories, shapewear, shoes, time, transportation, lots of little things beyond just the dress that can start to add up.

    Plus, maybe she needed that for her own mental health. You really never know what goes on behind closed doors.

    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    Master September 2018
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag

    I had a bridesmaid back out - but she is one of my best friends in the world and I completely understood - her reasons were financial as well. I have to say I never would ever be mad at someone who is so important to me I asked them to be in my BP for that or question what she was spending her money on. You can't compare her to the other BM's - it's not fair.

    I understand you are hurt and sometimes it's hard to see the big picture because you wanted her to stand beside you for your wedding, but breathe and try to let it go or until the wedding you are going to build up so much resentment towards her and the friendship could be ruined. Turn your energy somewhere else and see all the other good things going on right now for you, because soon it will be over & you don't want to miss the good because you are focused on the not so good. Lot's of luck!

    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    Expert April 2020
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    I backed out of a wedding once. The cost of the wedding would have taken all my savings. I had been saving for my Hawaiian vacation for some time. For personal reasons and financial reasons, I opted out. This caused quite the issue and we are no longer friends. Sometimes, people would rather their hard earned money go towards themselves for some self love and self care. This doesn't mean she is a bad friend. And not taking you up on your offer isn't terrible. I didn't want them paying for my stuff either. I COULD afford the wedding but wasn't willing to give up a vacation that I had spent months saving for. Try looking at her situation from a different perspective.
    • Reply
  • Kimber
    Devoted June 2020
    Kimber ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    This is an awesome example to provide perspective!

    • Reply
  • Angel
    Dedicated August 2020
    Angel ·
    • Flag

    I don't think you're being rude or unreasonable at all. Your feelings are valid, I'd be a little peeved too. But, it's nothing to be too mad about. She changed her mind, that's ok. It's clear she doesn't want to be apart of it, for whatever reason. It was kind of you to offer to pay for whatever she needed, and ok for her to decline.

    • Reply
  • P
    January 2014
    Pam ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    BEFORE you start YELLING at people for COMMENTING IN A WAY YOU DON'T LIKE, perhaps it would have been NICE of you to INCLUDE ALL THE INFORMATION instead of just PICKING AND CHOOSING.

    This girl is FREE to LIVE HER LIFE without YOU JUDGING her for getting her NAILS AND TOES done, REGARDLESS of WHO pays for it. STAY OUT of her BUSINESS that DOESN'T involve YOUR WEDDING!!!!11!!!!!

    • Reply
  • P
    January 2014
    Pam ·
    • Flag

    And no where in your "article" do you say that you're "helping" anyone with their expenses. Anyone reading your post can only respond based on what YOU POST, not things you didn't tell us about.

    And I still think you're wrong about the "nails and toes" girl. Stay out of her marriage and what she and her spouse spend THEIR MONEY on.

    Carrie, today at 11:30 AMPosted in Community Conversations
    So last week one of my bridesmaids dropped out (wedding 10-31-20), claiming that she cant afford the dress (I have a few bridesmaids on a budget $150 was the most expensive dress) and doesn't want her wife paying for her stuff. I offered to pay for her dress and I told her there was time and we could get it. She still said no. Fast forward to a couple days ago she posted on social media that she couldnt wait to get her nails and toes done. I was livid! First off before ANYONE says that my wedding isnt priority I KNOW! I get it as women we ALL love having our nails and toes done (im a practicing cosmologist i understand the need for it) but when you come to me and tell me you cant afford your dress AND you dont want you wife paying for it (her wife is my FH's sister) makes NO sense to me at all cause I know that her wife will be the one paying for her nails and toes to get done BUT she cant afford a dress (also i picked out dress that they could pick to wear MORE then once). I may be coming off as like a witch but, I am hurt. One of my other bridesmaids has a child who has autisim and her and her husband are VERY tight on $ and she has to not only get her dress but her daughters as well (her daughter is a jr bridesmaid) but they are still in. Her nails and toes are gonna cost her somewhere in the $75-$100 range (thats with tip too). I am kinda hurt by this. Like I wanna say something to her about it, but i also dont want to be THAT bride, you know. I have been told that I have no reason to be upset and that I need to understand this and that . I DO!!!!!!! I get it!!!! But if you are having your wife pay for your nails and toes why cant we split the dress 2 ways? Her wife pay half and I'll pay the other half. She is also doing my makeup for the day and I am going to pay her (that was never a question). OK sorry vent over.
    • Reply
  • Ashleyrenee
    Savvy April 2020
    Ashleyrenee ·
    • Flag
    Ok I wanna start by saying as a FRIEND she should be honored to be a bridesmaid at your wedding...I feel like the reason she gave you is not the REAL reason...as your “friend”, she would know that if you’re offering to help pay then it’s very important to you that she’s in the wedding...for that reason alone I would give my all to be apart of your big day...I had a friend tell me she couldn’t celebrate my birthday ($75 top) because of money and when I tried to reason and offer help it was turn down...days later she’s walking around bragging about how she just paid for an “expensive” hairdo and got her eyebrows micro-bladed (first time ever getting it done)...needless to say, we don’t talk anymore...I’m sorry but it be situations like this that will open your eyes to who your REAL friends are...I’m sure everyone else in your wedding ain’t rich but they making it work...I would rather your friend be honest and tell you the real reason so y’all can move pass it...but the lies is what is unacceptable especially during this big moment in your life...you should talk to her one on one and tell her what you told us lbvs
    • Reply
  • Mob
    Savvy May 2021
    Mob ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    YOU NEED TO CHILL OUT she did say she offer to help and she is ALLOWED to feel what she feels. You dont know her relationship nor is it your job to correct her expectations- perhaps she feels a half truth or perhaps shes been there for her friend in the past. She didn't mention these things in her post however it is not our job to assume they never took place. If she asked her to be a part of that special day she obviously thinks highly of her let's be considerate of her feelings and all that goes into that day without adding on to her stress
    • Reply
  • Crystal
    Devoted November 2020
    Crystal ·
    • Flag
    I had a friend who use to tell me she couldn’t afford to go out but then I’d see her out that weekend to an extravagant dinner with other friends.


    What she meant was she has other priorities financially. I got tired of it and stopped asking her to hang out.

    Being your bridesmaids wasn't a priority to that friend. It sucks, but I’d walk away.
    Feel free to vent, I’m always down to lend an ear.
    • Reply
  • H
    Just Said Yes July 2021
    Heather ·
    • Flag

    I would confront her about it or you will just harbor resentment towards her. I would also find a different makeup artist to do your makeup for the wedding. Just saying...

    • Reply
  • Jane
    Just Said Yes October 2020
    Jane ·
    • Flag
    I see you were just venting ,but I will say I think it would be best to get with the bridesmaid and talk. Don’t necessarily start with “why can you afford this and not that” but approach the conversation with your true feelings. It’s obvious you are hurt but it seems you are more hurt because you feel that you’ve been lied to. You should sit down with her at a casual lunch or something and just say hey I am okay with you not being in the wedding but is the money really the reason? I’m only asking because I want to make sure you and I are okay. The dress, the money,etc that doesn’t matter what really matter is the relationship you and the person who will be representing you on your wedding day.Once you approach the situation in a calm cool manner I’m sure she will open up and talk to you about whatever it is freely. Don’t hesitate to tell her you saw she got her nails and toes done but with the timing of it it did hurt your feelings.just be sure to choose your wording wisely so you don’t come off as a witch. These my thoughts sorry if I’ve over stepped since you were just venting. Hope all goes well!
    • Reply
  • Kaylee
    Beginner October 2020
    Kaylee ·
    • Flag
    I totally get it! I asked my fiancé’s sister to be one of my bridesmaids and she told me no because of her anxiety and everybody will be looking at her because she is fat and all my bridesmaids will be skinny. None of us are gorgeous skinny models. That’s how life is, none of us are perfect we are all gorgeous in our own way. I tried to explain this to her and she still says that everybody will be looking at her. I have anxiety as well and I understand where she’s coming from but if she had asked me to be one of my bridesmaids I would do whatever I could to get over my fear and stand up there with her. It is an honor to be asked to stand up there with your closest friends and is a huge disappointment when you were told no. I felt like she didn’t want to be my bridesmaid and that she did not I want to be up there with me. I am not sure if this is conceded of me or thoughtless of me but I Felt like she was saying no because it was me not because of her fears. It upset me very much and even upset my fiancé. The people who are closest to you, you want to be by your side on the best day of your life and when they don’t want to be there with you makes you feel hurt.
    • Reply
  • Carrie
    Dedicated October 2020
    Carrie ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you for understanding Angel. I feel like some people dont understand how I feel about this. Its not that she got her nails done it's the principal of it she cant afford a dress BUT can get her nails done just really hurt me.
    • Reply
  • Carrie
    Dedicated October 2020
    Carrie ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    Pam, I would stay out of it if HER WIFE WASNT MY FH'S SISTER!!!! When he heard she dropped he wasnt happy either cause he knows that his sister has NO IDEA her wife dropped out!
    • Reply
  • Carrie
    Dedicated October 2020
    Carrie ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank Nadine!!!!!
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