Need Help with Difficult Mother of Groom!!!

You could have your fiancé and his mother start taking on rehearsal dinner plans or sitting down to discuss the guest list for his family, friends, etc.

No parent, of either party, should expect an invitation to cake tasting or food tasting. If they're expecting that, they need to calm down and realize it isn't their wedding.

Now, I've only been the MOB (10 years ago), but in the next two years, I'll be the MOB again (yay! good girl!) and the MOG in the not too distance future. I love my kids and their SOs, so this is super easy for me. Let's focus on MOG stuff.

1. "MOG, my mom is wearing cranberry. You don't have to wear cranberry. You can wear any color you love. Would you like to schedule a day that begins with an amazing brunch, my treat, followed by a MOG gown shopping trip? We can go to David's Bridal -- I'll set it up. As I said, you can wear whatever makes you feel gorgeous, but if you'd like to make a day of it -- bring your daughter, if you want -- let me know what day works for you."

2. "MOG, listen, I'm not trying to pressure you into anything, but do you have any interest in weighing in with the Rehearsal Dinner? Oh, no, we're not asking you to pay for any of it. It's just that, traditionally, that's a facet of the wedding that we should defer to you -- if you're interested. Listen, we're not planning anything expensive, but, if you'd like to come with us to dinner at a few of the places we're thinking of, we'd love to host you and get your feedback."

3. "MOG, the tuxes. Your son in a tux? He needs a little help, and because you're his mom, would you be willing to accompany him to the tux rental place and help him pick out something that makes him look amazing? Bring his dad...because he'll need a tux too."

4. "MOG, do you want to look over your family's side of the seating chart? I'd love your input. Come over, we'll have a few glasses and wine, and then we'll figure this thing out. Are you game?"

5. "MOG, listen...we're doing spotlight dances...me with dad/stepdad and your son with you. Can you spend a little time on Youtube looking at songs that might fit the occasion? Then, the two of you can sit down and pick a favorite. Are you okay with that?

6. "MOG...you're a VIP, and you'll be one of the last people seated before the ceremony. We want to honor his dad with a bout and you with a small bouquet or corsages. What would you prefer -- a pin on corsage, a wrist corsage, a single stem flower, or a small bouquet in a really pretty metal holder?"

7. "MOG, we're having a table with photographs of our parents' weddings, our grandparents' weddings, and if it's possible, even our great grandparents' weddings. I can take care of my side, but can give us any framed photos of your wedding day, his grandparents' wedding day, etc.?"

It's so easy. Then there's the shower. If one is being planned, get her guest list.

What is your fhs relationship with her?

I would suggest softening your stance. Drop the difficult bit.

Your ties with her don't end after the wedding. They ramp up. This is your children's future grandma if you choose to have them.

You don't have to gush but give her credit for raising your dh.

Rachel said it all!

With my fiancé, she said she wanted to pay for the rehearsal dinner so we set a date that him & her can go look at places, check out the venue (it's already picked) and hotels around it since her family will be the ones mostly staying at the hotel. In terms of tux, they haven't gotten to that discussion yet. I know also, if we make a decision (let's say save the date or something) he would send it to her so she's happy to be included, but that way her direct line of contact is him.

Rachel said it best

I think there is an exception to leaving them out of the tastings...........if they are paying for it, they should be invited.

As for the tuxes.................that was something my sons did with their DAD. It was very special for them and I would never have intruded.

I agree with Nonna...........this is just the beginning of your relationship with her. Both of you need to make an effort to get past this.

My FMIL is...special. We don't see eye to eye and she gives backhanded comments like nobody's business. I stopped asking for her opinion and told FH that anything she's involved with, he has to coordinate. Nothing I was doing was good enough, so I stopped asking her. That was my solution.

Rachel for the win

That is great Rachel!

Rachel and Nonna gave you some really, really great advice!

Thanks fro the advice ladies!! keep it coming!! Rachel, thanks for all of that help!!

nonna, trust me when I say I have made several attempts to repair our relationship and I will continue to do so in the future. but after having a heart to heart with her about her learning to be supportive of our wedding the negative comments about our relationship, wedding, and future marriage didn't stop. I had given her another chance to be supportive and be completely involved in our wedding but not even a month later we had a big argument about me asking her to stop making negative comments, (specifically about how much my wedding costs, which, she isn't paying anything for). i don't want to completely cut her out of our wedding, but i would like the things that she is involved in to be centered around her son, rather than me. i would just like to distance her from my planning for my own sanity and happiness! i think weddings should be a time of love and celebration! i hope that this explains that this is not something i just jumped to, it has been years of conflict that led to this. We have been engaged for a year and we have another year of planning to go so i am desperate for ideas on how to keep the peace surrounding my wedding and make everyone as happy as possible!!

FutureMrsH it sounds like we both understand what the other one is going through! i sympathize with you!! haha

@rachael and @nonna said it best! please take their advice:-)

B.roo I agree. And I've told him he needs to think of ideas and he said he is going to. But he is a procrastinator and doesn't always take this kind of stuff seriously (he is not in to planning!) so I'm trying to think of ideas too because I just want everyone happy! I'm very tired of the conflict and just want to do anything I can to create some peace!

I would put this in your FH's hands. Tell him you need her off your back and hand over the reins. Maybe he can take her shopping to find GM's gifts or something. My FMIL has been great with knowing when to back off. Her only job is getting a dress which she has been very busy searching for. She has 5 already. HaHa!! FH has been out of the house for 20 years so she's not holding on too tight anymore. Thank God!!

I'm following simply to remember what Rachel said, hit the nail on the head...

Catlady. Thank you. I needed that reminder. I need to remember that her behavior is her choice but I need to keep my attitude to myself (and vent to my mom when I need to let my attitude out ) haha

I m so sorry you guys don't get along.

a goof friend of mine and her FMIL don't get along either, and it is really awkward. She has learned to ignore it, though.

My FMIL can be a pain sometimes - she thinks she's always right, knows it all, etc.., but I know she means well, so every time I am about to get annoyed, I always remember that she means well. Sometimes people don't know how to put words together. She may just genuinely be concerned that you guys are spending a lot ( just assuming) even though it is not her business unless she is contributing in any way.

I just keep things between myself and my fiancé (planning wise). For instance, when we went for menu tasting, my fiancé wanted to bring his mom and stepdad, but I just wanted us two to go so I said to him " I am not inviting my parents, so its only fair you don't invite them either". that was no problem at all. he was totally understanding. too many opinions can get you confused.

ETA: You can also try to see if she's good at something that she can help out with so she can feel included.

my FMIL has a beautiful hand writing, so I asked her if shed be willing to help me write placement cards and possibly addresses on invitations and she was very happy and willing, and I was very satisfied with her reaction.

Tamara thanks for you response. I will definitely take you advice to heart about trying to see the good in her intentions... rather than assuming the worst... I will have to think long and hard about finding something for her to do.. I feel like I have everything under control and can't think of anything I need any help with! Haha I'm also kind of scared to ask her to actually do something... I feel like she might take it the wrong way... she doesn't seem very willing or wanting to help. She more just want to share her opinions on things and tell me how to spend our money and what I should do differently, etc....

I did like someone's suggestion on having her be involved in the rehearsal dinner. Why not have her take on those decisions. This may also bond you both and allow you to see a different side. Good luck!