Need help understanding a situation

I would say it is unfortunately normal. People do have disagreements with others. However, saying hurtful words and yelling is just too extreme to me, but many families do that. Even one family could have kids with different kind of personalities, and that is one reason we fight, or simply don’t get along.

Siblings do fight, but I would stay out of their argument. Otherwise you could end up looking like the bad guy.

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They do have very different personalities. She is much more uptight (I guess for lack of a better word) and my FH is more laid back and go with the flow. I guess I just need to get use to this. Thanks.

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Trust me I don't want to be in their argument.

Honestly, it sounds like she's having some deeper issues going on that may be giving her some added stress. I don't fight with my siblings, but when they were younger they fought constantly. While disagreements between family are normal, being cruel with your words should be avoided. You're all still family. I would leave the argument to him, but it sounds like she has a lot going on and needs to sort out the true root of her anger. Or maybe she just really doesn't get how much of an inconvenience it would be for you guys.

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Like we wouldn't have minded having them stay with us during April, my FH was laid off then so it would have been easier then and we did offer then. She turned us down. I want to stay out of it as much as possible but I guess I'm just trying to understand this situation better. Thanks.

I have a brother and we don't really fight but i hear about siblings who fight all the time and it seems normal.

Siblings fight, some more than others, and some say mean things they don't mean. It all depends on if this is normal for them or not. Good luck!

It's not uncommon for siblings to fight, sometimes a little dirty (I mean, you're siblings. you know ALL each others' hot buttons). That is pretty normal, on occasion. That being said, their fighting definitely seems unhealthy, especially if it's a common way for their fighting to go. Does FH ever fight with you like that? That would be my concern.

Is it a behavior pattern, a personality conflict with a specific person or even a situation being fed/aggravated/engineered by the other person? I've seen all of those situations and dynamics between siblings (both my own sibling relationship and others).

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We hardly ever fight and we know how to communicate so we don't have many arguments. If we do they are small fights that are easily resolved. I think my FSIL pushes my FH's buttons, then by doing so my FH pushes them back for her. But it always starts with her, my FH tries to go around the fight and not engage but after a bit it makes him engage because of some of things she will say. Such as my mom is still planning a bridal shower for me in June (wishful thinking at this point, but my mom doesn't want to change it until absolutely necessary). Well my FSIL texted my FH saying my mom is an idiot and how stupid she is; my FH got mad and said that there wasn't any need for this. Then FSIL kept going. This was part one of their fight 3 weeks ago.

I'm just get a better understanding of this whole situation.

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It sounded as much. I'm glad it's not a standard mode of arguing for your FH. That speaks very well of him. It's not easy to learn constructive arguing skills when you have family who refuse to do so and that's what you're exposed to in your formative years.

It doesn't sound like there's much you can do beyond being supportive of him, and try to stay out of the middle. BUT do no hesitate to set boundaries and expectations if she starts in with you directly. And do not be afraid to walk away or refuse to engage. Unfortunately, that is the only way to stay sane in handling people like that.

And, anecdotally, be glad she just seems like a somewhat unpleasant and rude person. I'm currently on the sidelines witnessing a friend of mine being harrassed and verbally abused by her own family (including her soon to be ex-husband) to an insane degree. The things they have said to her just completely floored me that any even somewhat sane or decent person would ever say, much less document in writing, in the middle of a divorce, and to a wife, sister or daughter. Soooo....your FH's situation with his sister could be far worse. :-/ Cold comfort, I know.

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I think he gets it from his dad, since personality wise they are both very laid back and chill/ let things roll off their back for the most part. I have walked away from her before, I know my temper and when to walk away; she tried to lay into me at Christmas but I just drank wine and walked away.

She has always been rude to me, I guess I'm just tried of it. Being an only child I had always wanted to have a good relationship with the siblings of my FH; and have a bond with them. I guess I am going to have let that go because it doesn't look like that will be happening. I empathize with your friend; I work at a family law firm some of the things I hear and see from clients are so awful.

Thank you for your advise, I appreciate it a lot!

I have one brother and hes very reserved and quiet, he does not talk much....so we dont fight lol
My fh and his sister recently got in a fight and things were said and even her fiance said hurtful things about my fiance and me and havent talked since. I am not used to siblings fighting either, i know some day its normal but sometimes once hurtful things are said it cant be taken back and can hurt the long term relationship

Siblings do argue and sometimes part ways as adults for a variety of reasons. While I don’t know all the details, it seems pretty inappropriate for her to call you guys selfish for not watching HER kids for 3 weeks (regardless of what your FH’s reasons are).


Good that you don’t step into it. However, if she continues to say disrespectful things to you, you can set boundaries and ask your FH to support you. It’s sad but many couples here end up not inviting a family member. If it gets bad, I would support your FH’s wishes if he doesn’t want to invite her.

She wanted you two to take her kids for THREE WEEKS and now she's pissed? And she's accusing you of being selfish.....I wouldn't reach out to her at all, she can open that door with a huge, sincere apology herself.

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Yup. I just don't understand the logic at all. She won't apologize, according to my FH she has never apologized for anything that she has done wrong.

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Well she finally messaged him this morning when he messaged her asking if she even wanted to be apart of our wedding. But she didn't exactly give an answer about it. I feel bad for him because he was supposed to have a dance with her, their mom passed away when he was a teenager. At this point he doesn't even want to be in the same room as her.

View Quoted Comment Ugh, I’m so sad for him. That’s tough. Just keep supporting him as you are. You still have a few months before the wedding for them to work it out (or not). The fact she never apologizes and is so rude to both of you doesn’t suggest a strong future relationship. That’s just too draining to be around.

Brothers and sisters fight but I'd say not to this level. There are deep seated issues that are not being shared (and I don't expect you to divulge on here). I feel there's a piece to the puzzle that's missing. I sill say, when my brother got engaged before me (he's 5 years younger and my only sibling) I was incredibly hurt and jealous. I can't explain it. Because I was jealous he found forever love first, we argued a lot. I even argued with his fiance'. I've sense greatly apologized and realized I was simply upset I felt I was losing my brother to his future wife. It's all good now. Maybe that's the case with his sister. Could she be slightly jealous of your relationship?

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Maybe slightly, but she has been married for over 10 years to her husband. But with that being said I know their marriage is not good, they fight a lot and their is a lot of tension between herself and her husband. That I think funnel it's way into the relationship between her and my FH along with her dad. I know their are other issues too, such as her feeling the need to be like a mother to my FH as their mom passed away just before he graduated high school. And some other problems as well.

I know brothers and sisters fight but I never thought like this. This scares me too, because my dad has a brother that he hasn't spoken with in over 10 years because of some issues. I don't want that to happen to my FH and his sister. Because I know that my dad still has some regrets in regards to that situation. I have voiced this concern to my FH too so he does know about my fear of that happening.