Need bridesmaid / best friend advice

She’s technically done nothing wrong. All of the extra BM activities are optional. If she has the dress and is planning to come on the day that’s all she needs to do. I can understand how this is tough for you, but resist the impulse to judge her for it.


If she has t offered to make a speech I wouldn’t pressure her on it. Some people are just not public speakers.

No one will be as excited for your wedding and pre wedding events as you are. They all have lives, and other commitments.

None of them have done anything wrong. Your mom hosted your shower, it's not required for the bridesmaids to ask to help. Your mom could have asked if anyone was willing, and even then they can decline. She can't read your mind. Her not planning something when she wasn't asked or volunteered to is not her fault, she is not required to plan any parties for you. Her not offering to drive you to the bachelorette, again not her fault. Did you bring up anything about carpooling? It sounds like you have this expectation in your head of this specific friend and did not communicate any of it.

Don't push the speech onto her because the group made the decision for her.

"I chose not to have ANY maid of honor, because this friend is my closest friend BUT shes very unorganized and doesn't like planning things. She's already been a maid of honor twice, and she didn't particularly enjoy it, so I figured I would just have all bridesmaids."

You essentially answered your own question with these two sentences. You already knew she hates planning things and didn't like being put in the position to be the planner. Why are you upset with her that she's doing exactly what you know about her? It's okay to be bummed that they're not offering to help at all, I totally understand being excited to plan with your friends and not having it happen being disappointing. However, they are not required to help and you shouldn't let if affect your relationship to the point of no longer being friends. Offering to drive you to your bachelorette is just ridiculous in my opinion and isn't actually an issue at all. If you wanted to carpool you should've mentioned it. If she doesn't want to make a speech don't make her. You already know she's not a fan of that type of stuff. Focus on your own planning and ask your cousin for help if you need it.

How about having your cousin make the speech?

Your expectations are too high.

She might not be obligated to do any of the things you listed, but she's not even being a friend. Take it as it is. I would not ask her to make a speech. It doesn't look like she's going to be a friend after your wedding. Take a good look at who makes an effort to care at this moment in your life. Then you'll see who your real friends are.

Have you tried talking to her about this? She could feel a way about not being asked to be MOH even though she didn’t seem to like it in the past. The best way to clear things up is to just talk about it. I’d call or txt and just be like “hey I know you’re busy but can we talk. I’m starting to feel like you have no interest in my wedding. I understand you have your life but I really want you to be apart of this process and journey with me.”

I get that no one is obligated to do these things, help plan events, pay for them... etc BUT I feel so badly when I read these posts. I can't imagine my bridal party ignoring all of these pre-wedding events as if they didn't matter. I have been blessed with great friends who have supported me through everything and I do the same for them and I know how excited they are for me and this wedding and all that goes with it. I wish everyone had that kind of support in their lives. I have two maids and a man of honor and three other bridesmaids and not one of them is slacking.

You are allowed to feel let down by your best friend's behavior. Even if she couldn't financially or physically be there for you, she could be a better more supportive friend in a thousand other ways. I don't understand it and I think it speaks volumes about her as a person.

Not everyone is going to be giddy about wedding planning and she hasn't done anything wrong, except maybe not responding to your request for a speech. She could have told you no



She went to your bachelor, she is flying out to your wedding and staying 2 nights. After a while, pre wedding celebrities get redundant
If I were the friend and knew you felt this way about me, I'd be second guessing whether it would be worth it to spend the money and time on your destination wedding, since you basically put her on friendship probation over planning an optional party
It's ok to feel disappointed but if this is actually driving a wedge, your expectations are too high

Try not to expect much from people. They have their own lives and commitments. Not rsvp/ing was rude on her part and disappointing.
I’m in my 40’s and have learned that most people can’t be counted upon unfortunately. There are a select few that can be and you should surround yourself with these people.

I agree with the PP that she hasn't done anything wrong. The reality is that we'd all love if our friends reached out to see how the planning was going, offering to help, etc. but they don't. They aren't as excited as we are, may not know how much work it is, and frankly have their own lives to live. I have a friend who is getting married the month after me and even she doesn't check in to see how things are going. I disagree with the PP that says she isn't being a friend - I think she is likely clueless to how you feel. Try giving her a call to check in and express some of your feelings - be careful not to sound accusatory, though.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this! It’s true that your bridesmaids aren’t OBLIGATED to help you with anything… but it’s kind of an unspoken/universally acknowledged thing that it kinda comes with the territory. Obviously no one is gonna be as stoked for your wedding as you are, but it’s not too much to ask for your best friends to at least act like they give a hoot. While it’s true that all they *need* to do is show up in the dress, being a bridesmaid also does kind of include some more in depth stuff and a more active role in wedding planning. Otherwise they’re just another guest when it comes down to it. Being a bridesmaid is a privilege showing your closeness with the bride. It’s not too much to ask that they at least do SOMETHING for you.

Yeah, I don’t see anything wrong unfortunately! You have to communicate your expectations to people. She may feel overwhelmed that yet another person is getting married and she has to be a maid of honor again haha! I don’t mean to downplay your event, but it can be exhausting to be a maid of honor for the entire length of an engagement, always planning events, spending money to be apart of other peoples’ special days, and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to make a speech. I would give her some grace

I feel very sad when I read your post. None of your bridesmaids came to your shower! Your lifelong best friend wasn’t there and could not have cared less. I don’t care what the official rules are with BMs/wedding duties, these people aren’t acting like your friends. I would be sad and disappointed. I guess, lower your expectations to the absolute bare minimum. Look to your mom and cousin and fiancé for support. Hang in there dear lady!

I’m sorry to hear this. We all wish our friends would be there for us. Unfortunately I think this is the result of not naming a MOH. All of this responsibility is for the MOH, but no one was delegated this role, so how does anyone know who is in charge of the tasks that you’ve listed? Most of the time, things are in place for a reason. I hope it gets better maybe with some communication.

View Quoted Comment

Agree with this post 100%

You didn't want to make her MOH and just have all bridesmaids, so you can't expect someone to do your desired MOH duties. I think she's done her diligence as a bridesmaid, and attended your bachelorette and will be there for your wedding day. I get that you're disappointed, but I think it ultimately stems from the fact that you expected her to be a MOH without being a MOH.

I’m in the same shoe. Learn from the situation & it will show ppls true intentions. My best friend since middle school was asked to be my MOH. She said yes and didn’t plan anything. So, I’m planning & throwing my old shower. This person would say things like, “oh I may not be able to make it I have to work.” which is like 10 months in advance not enough to take off??? And then she changed her mind & said she was coming. It’s sad, but some people don’t care or don’t put in effort, but expect support when it the other way around. I learned many ppls intentions & said after this wedding is over, I’m no longer being the “yes women for them”. As your best friend they should be supportive. As for paying things that shouldn’t be an issue either, as long as they were aware of having to do these things from the beginning. It’s not hard to show up if someone truly wanted to support you & it’s not hard to communicate & get their own dress & hair done. The traveling part I understand as well, because that can be hard for some people. But, if she really cared about being there for you she would be or she would communicate her concerns.

Have you tried expressing that you would like her to be more involved in the process? If you haven’t had a convo with her she may not even realize you feel that void.