Need advice on changing RSVP to friend's wedding

So, I wanted to reach out to my friend’s fiancé to ask her when is the day they need to let the venue know their final numbers. I would explain why I need to know and apologize profusely for even asking, but this would give my FH more time to figure out if he was going to have to work. I completely understand how much of a pain it is when people don’t seem to get that it’s a wedding and you need to know numbers and while I am good friends with the groom we aren’t VIPs or anything. And while I want FH to be there if he can, I don’t want to stress her out by asking either. I know most venues would even allow you to add someone last minute after the original deadline (as long as it didn’t screw up her seating chart!! Lol). So I wanted opinions, would you guys reach out? Or just say oh well FH won’t know in time. If it were me I would totally rather squeeze in one of my friends’ FH or FW last minute than them not be able to come at all, but I think I’m also biased because I’m the one in the situation. HELP!!!

Three weeks is a pretty big window for the RSVP's to convert into catering numbers.

If he's sure, I'd call her. If he's not sure, leave it as is.

I'm assuming she's built in sometime to make calls for people who haven't RSVPed by the deadline, before she actually has to give numbers to the venue. Do you think it would be rude to ask her if I know he can come before the deadline to the venue that I could let her know before then?

Reach out to them, they are aware of the situation and am sure will be understanding. I was in a similar situation for my coworkers wedding. My FH was off on the day off wedding so I RSVP'd for the both of us. However, he was later called in for training that he could not miss and I reached out to them to change the rsvp. They were totally understanding.

Honestly, the whole RSVP process sounds stressful enough for brides. I understand that you want to bring your FH, but I think it would be kind of rude to ask her to hold off on letting catering and other vendors know her final count for you. If you don't know by November 4th, keep it as just you.

I would avoid asking, especially since you aren't super close to the couple. The bride may feel pressured to be overly accommodating and RSVPs are already stressful

If you do decide to reach out, make sure to get them a nice gift/ bigger check for dealing with the headache. If you aren't prepared to do that, then I wouldn't reach out. Not that it is tit-for-tat, but last minute changes are annoying when you are that stressed with a wedding, so the extra boost in a gift would offset my feeling slightly annoyed by you, if I were the bride.

@Brianna I don't want her to hold off giving the final count (I should've clarified better that I would be willing to squeeze people in last minute but wasn't expecting that at of her). Just wanted to see if people thought it would be okay to let them know prior to them needing to give final numbers, but after the RSVP deadline.

@Cabo I'm not sure what your definition of super close to the couple is. I've been friends with the groom for over 10 years. By not VIPs I meant not family and not in the wedding party. The only reason I am hesitating is because it is the groom I am friends with (not that I haven't become friends with the bride just not as close since I haven't known her as long), if the groom was the one handling the RSVPs I would've already sent him a text

If the rolls were reversed and he didn't know if his fiance could get off work yet, I would give him until the venue number deadline (in fact I would give him to the day before the wedding if the venue would allow me to add people that late). Again, though that's just me and I tend to be overly accommodating for people in my life. That's why I asked on here, because even though I would want someone to ask me rather than not bring the person, I wanted to get outside opinions of if it was rude. I should have clarified I don't want to ask if we can let her know last minute, simply if we can let her know before she has to give her final numbers. Which I do realize is more last minute than the RSVP deadline, obviously.

I would tell them that FH would have loved to come but won't know until (insert date here) whether he will have the day off. That leaves it open for them to say that you can let them know later if he has off or to say that its too bad and they will miss him.

I think if you are close enough they shouldn't have a problem giving you a little more time. But then you have to absolutely give her an answer by the extended deadline. Also, many people build in an extra percentage to be served the day of, usually 3 to 5% of the total count. This is something I asked my venue and they would be prepared to serve up to 10% (10 people ovet my final number, assuming 100 guest)! Which I sure hope is not the case! Good luck!

I would just text your friend - just because he's the groom doesn't mean he's not adept at handling RSVP's. Let him know the situation and ask if he prefers you just RSVP for yourself on 11/4, or if there's a little wiggle room.

@OG if the term "rookie" didn't give it away in my post, this is a very similar situation, FH works in law enforcement. Glad to hear it worked out for your little's husband to come.

@Rosered: I like the way you phrased that. If I reach out, I will go with that phrasing thanks!

@Mags I'm sure the venue will be more than prepared to serve him; its an all (or mostly) inclusive venue where you don't give meal choices ahead of time so they make surpluses of everything. Not to mention the cocktail hours are always more than enough food to fill up all the guests twice over. New York weddings at their finest haha.

I would absolutely want my friends to let me know if their SO was possibly able to attend but wouldn't know until after the rsvp date. I invited them because I want them there, so I would be happy to work with them if I possibly could!

I wouldn't ask, the RSVP process was so hard for us and there were so many people who were trying to add people after it was too late. We also have had 2 cancellations already and it's really hard to try and deal with and as another bride I wouldn't do it to someone else. There are also other numbers she may need by her deadline (favors, menus, etc.) if it's 100% for sure before the deadline then I think it's fine to reach out but if he's not 100% sure by their deadline I would let it go and just go alone.

I wouldn't want to be a pain in the ass for her so I would just RSVP for myself. Your FH could always swing by after dinner has concluded and give them his best wishes.

I wouldn't have your FH swing by without them knowing. Our venue counts people at the ceremony and at the reception and bills us for the larger amount. So if he randomly showed up, even after dinner, we would be charged (and they charge a lot more per person for unexpected add ons). Also I'd be super confused if I were the bride and think he had been there the whole time and be like "wtf didn't he rsvp he was coming?" Also, if they are planning seating, he wouldn't have a seat to sit at with you. Unless you know the details of the venue, that could end very badly.

Talk to the couple. Our venue makes 3% more food than needed. I didn't add my friend or her husband to our count but did make sure they had a seat. He has health issues where they weren't know til the day of on how he felt. I appreciated the heads up they gave us.