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Super April 2020

Need advice - calling off the wedding or not

Anna, on May 23, 2019 at 1:12 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 25

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Just know I am very heartbroken and never thought I would write this. My fiance and I have been together for a year and half. He used to be married (the marriage only lasted 8 months so it was like he never was.) He was 20 when he got married. Fast forward years later and he in a way reassured me he had healed from that relationship. Since the divorce, I have been his only serious relationship. Well a few times when we would argue he would say "you're acting just like her." The last time he said it was in Feb and when I threaten to call off the wedding, he begged for forgiveness.

Well last night he said it again. This time he added "out of all the women I've been with, you are the only one who acts like her." His ex cheated on him and was just mean. I've never cheated on him nor mistreat him. He has told me how different I am from other girls. But last night hurt me. Today he said he knows apologizing wont fix anything. He knows what he said was wrong. He was upset but that's no excuse. I dont know what to do. I still love him but I dont want her to even be mentioned at all. I told him hes scared to get married and needs to think about this. Like it wont be just me but with the next girl hes with. Itll be the same story. Hes scared I'll turn like her.
I know other couples are having WAY worst problem than me, but I dont know what to do. I always tried to stay away from divorced men for this reason, I just happen to fall for one lol. Hes a great guy. I can't complain about him. Just need advice.

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25 Comments

Latest activity by Lizbeth, on May 25, 2019 at 9:37 AM

Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on May 23, 2019 at 1:21 AM
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I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Is he willing to do counseling with you & on his own? That may help him heal on his own more and the joint counseling can help you understand/communicate better.
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Master July 2019
Hannah · on May 23, 2019 at 1:23 AM
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Have you guys sought couples counseling? You may benefit from couple's counseling as well as probably him getting his own individual counseling to sort through his issues about his ex. I would hit pause on the wedding planning and work on your relationship. Have you put down a lot of deposits? I'm not sure how long you've been engaged since you said you've been together for a year and a half and had a similar arguement in February.
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Super December 2021
Casey · on May 23, 2019 at 1:25 AM
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I'd suggest postponing (not sure where you are in planning) at this time. I highly suggest he go to therapy/counseling. He has issues he needs to work out for himself- like you said, not just with you but in any future relationship if it's not with you.
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Super April 2020
Anna · on May 23, 2019 at 1:26 AM
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We got engaged back in dec. So a few months. I already bought my dress (we were planning on marrying in Oct), we have the church and thats about it. We were going to book the venue next month. But counseling does sound good. I never thought about this.
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Dedicated May 2019
Mrsblair · on May 23, 2019 at 7:05 AM
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I’m sorry this is happening. It is not right for him to be bringing up his ex and comparing you to her. I think he is scared. He wants this to go right unlike his last marriage, but inadvertently making it all worse. I agree with the above replies; he should seek counseling. Couples counseling could potentially open up why he is saying these things and what his feelings are about getting married.

You don’t have a reception venue yet, so Would it be possible to postpone for now? It is very important you have this sorted before you tie the knot!
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Super July 2020
D · on May 23, 2019 at 7:49 AM
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It sounds like he said it to hurt you because he knew it would. Postponing may be good. Take a little time to get to the bottom of things.
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Expert May 2021
Jaime · on May 23, 2019 at 8:25 AM
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Yep, I definitely agree with the counseling. Communication skills seems to be lacking. He's lashing out at you instead of talking about his feelings and what is really going on. You may want to consider postponing. A year and a half isn't a super long time to really get to know someone enough to get married. I'm not saying it cannot be successful, but it seems the relationship could benefit from more time and work put into it.
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VIP June 2019
Future Mrs. K · on May 23, 2019 at 8:56 AM
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I would definitely get into counseling ASAP as everyone else said. It's clear he has issues from that marriage and he needs to heal and learn how to properly communicate and trust again.
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Expert September 2019
Furture Mrs. G · on May 23, 2019 at 9:26 AM
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You are his soon-to-be wife and he is comparing you to his ex? This is wrong on so many levels. His ex shouldn't even be mentioned. My ex cheated on me too and I would NEVER compare my FH to him. THERE IS NO COMPARISON. My advice to you is like everyone said... IF you want to work it out try some couples counseling.
He needs to get a hold of his words when he is angry and not try to hurt the one person who loves him flaws and all.
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Super May 2019
Victoria · on May 23, 2019 at 9:35 AM
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I agree with counseling! He’s obviously still hurt and has issues about his past relationship, and that’s starting to seep into your relationship and ruin it. Don’t start a marriage with someone that doesn’t trust you, or says hurtful things when he’s mad.
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Super February 2020
Merline · on May 23, 2019 at 9:43 AM
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My FH was married almost two years to his ex, they were high school sweethearts. She cheated and treated him very poorly. He stayed with her even after the mistreatment, but did file for divorce when he found out he was being cheating on. He was single but dated before we met and even now he still hurts from somethings she did. But couples counseling has been a blessing. Also just open communication and reassurance really helps us. I'm weird and wanted to know a lot of what happen in the past to avoid or do things differently. Just be yourself and let him know you're different and he just needs to fully heal himself. Did he ever take a break for himself or did he get divorced and immediately start dating again? (You dont have to answer, but just think about it.)
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Super October 2017
Emily · on May 23, 2019 at 10:04 AM
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I haven’t read the other responses yet, but I wanted to chime in. My husband was married before. Before him, I was in an 8 year relationship where we owned a home etc. but never married.
You are valid in your feelings about how he compares you to her. What is missing here is that it will never be where he never mentions h or talks about her. She was a part of his life and that experience shaped him into who he is today. We both still talk about our ex-es occasionally in terms of experiences we had or lessons we learned. It does not mean that we love them or would want to be with them.
What is hurtful and not okay is falsely accusing you of acting like her, especially since she has been so hurtful to him. My husband had a lot of baggage after his marriage. It was 4.5 years before he was comfortable proposing to me. Part of that was the emotional turmoil of his divorce and how he felt that she had changed on him after they got married. He needed a lot of time and a lot of positive experiences to feel comfortable. Would your fiancé be willing to go to therapy? Either alone or together, to process some of these feelings he is having?
It doesn’t seem like an immediate - call it off this is bad news bears kind of situation. But it’s not going to be healthy for your relationship moving forward and I wonder if he is feeling not as ready as he thought he was to re-enter into marriage. If you guys do some work around this, it may all be fine in the long run. Good luck and I hope it gets better for you.
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Devoted July 2019
WifeyPoo · on May 23, 2019 at 10:13 AM
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IMO you need to postpone the wedding, and enter counseling if you feel like salvaging your relationship. I know a year and a half feels like a long time, but sometimes it takes much longer for people to open up and let others experience the real person in side. Please take your time on this.
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Dedicated December 2019
DIY Bride · on May 23, 2019 at 11:18 AM
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I would find a marital counselor. I got to the point when I wanted to call off our wedding because of some of my FH's comments. We have been going to a counselor and I think it really helps!
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Devoted October 2020
Kristin · on May 23, 2019 at 3:07 PM
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Since you're not very far in the planning stages I would postpone until you guys sort everything out and decide what you want to do. Counseling sounds like the way to go so he can openly talk about his issues and fears and you can hopefully get some answers as to why he keeps comparing you to his ex (not cool btw).
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Beginner September 2019
Tiffanie · on May 23, 2019 at 4:50 PM
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I would suggest sitting down and talking to him about how it makes you feel. Tell him that you don't want to call off but you will if you have to. Tell him that he needs to go get therapy and let him know you love him. But also remember your own self worth. You must always remember to love yourself. Hope this helps!
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Expert June 2019
thisismrsb · on May 23, 2019 at 10:40 PM
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Couples therapy might help.
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Dedicated September 2020
Angela · on May 24, 2019 at 8:30 AM
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I would seek Christian counseling if you are a believer. Marriage is serious and does stick with you forever. That is why divorce should not be taken lightly. Both my Fiancé and I have been married twice before. There is definite baggage that has been carried into our relationship for those. All of the our divorces were not taken lightly and were necessary for our growth and survival. Yet they still effect the person we have become and the way we interact with each other. Good luck. I will be praying for you guys.
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Master September 2019
Sherry · on May 24, 2019 at 12:52 PM
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I would go for counseling. Separate and together. Not jumping into marriage is a great idea and I do hope that you are both able to get passed this and carry on with having a great life together. Good luck!
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Dedicated October 2019
Danielle · on May 24, 2019 at 12:57 PM
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Oh no I am so sorry that you guys are going through this! My advice would be to postpone the wedding and seek out some counseling. Work together to build a stronger relationship before jumping into the craziness of a wedding. You want your wedding day to be a happy day with no regrets or questions. So take your time and be 1000% sure.
Good luck to you and your FH!
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