I need some advice about how to handle my nasty future sister in-laws. I have ADD which is a type of Attention Deficient Hyper Disorder known by ADHD. It’s neurological disability which can have some nasty symptoms, like cluttering, mixing up words and sentences, not being able to connect two things we know, focus when we want to, hyper focusing on things we don’t want to, hard time sleeping, forgetfulness, impulsivity, and a slew of other symptoms. My ADD also brought an anxiety disorder and depression disorder along when I was born. The side effects for the meds to treat these disabilities/disorders can be pretty nasty too. My fiancé luckily is pretty understanding of this and does not let my disabilities define his opinion an out me. His sisters who only have met me three times have tried to manipulate him into calling of the wedding by literally listing all my ADD symptoms as reasons for me being a bad person this last weekend. I had taken time off work and tried to work around their schedule, which forced me to cancel plans with my family which had been made a year a head of time. They did not even take our schedules into account. They also switched their on what was going on while they were here but excepted us to go along with them. They did not bother to tell us until it was too late to switch my days off, causing me to miss my fiancé’s grandma’s funeral. They then would fly by the seat of their pants planning new things to do but only giving us a five minute warning. This does not work for people with ADHD in general and sets us for failure. I literally had 3 panic attacks because of their planning methods. I really did try to go with their lambing but most people can’t get ready to go just after they woke up in five minutes. They also pretend to be nice to me in order to find all my flaws/ADD symptoms and medication side effects. Then their two faced act continued on to informing my fiancé that I am a horrible person because of all my uncontrollable symptoms and accused me of asking their mom for money and of not loving him. They didn’t even try to get to know me before deciding all this crap. I only found out because my fiancé and I don’t hide stuff from each other. They used me to hurt him. This is not even the first time they have done this. Last time they were in town, they went into our bedroom, saw a pregnancy test I had forgotten to throw away and my birth control. They automatically assumed I was passive aggressively trying to say I wanted to get pregnant and tie my fiancé down. If they bothered to get to know me they would know I’m terrified of getting pregnant because any child I give birth to has a high chance of getting my ADHD gene and I don’t want my kids to have to deal with that or get treated the way I was in school. Biggest problem at the moment is that I already asked them to be bridesmaids because they are his sisters and he loves them. But they have made it clear no matter what I do they are going to try to stab me in the back and frankly I really don’t want to deal with that at my wedding. I have no clue on what to do. I know my fiancé is on my side and has threatened to cut at least the older one off but I really don’t really want to be the reason his mother does not get to have all her children again. Help I don’t know what to do. How do I get them out of my bridal party without hurting their mom and painting a bigger target on my back?
Sadly if you cut someone from your party it is relationship ending, but it sounds like no big loss if you do. Also cut the toxic ones from the guest list, you don't need to be surrounded by toxicity on your wedding day. My FH doesn't want his half brother invited to our wedding for toxicity reasons, so he will not be getting an invite. His grandparents threatened not to come if we don't invite him, and his mom might try to underhandedly invite him. My FH will be disappointed if his grandparents don't come but it speaks volumes about their character and if we ever do decide to have kids they will not be involved in any way, shape or form since they did not support our marriage since we didn't invite his half brother. Family drama sucks but you have to make those tough decisions. It sounds like your FH is supportive of you. "I really don’t really want to be the reason his mother does not get to have all her children again" - I really don't understand what you mean by that. But its your wedding day and your bridesmaids should be people who support you no matter what, they should not be standing by your side and should not even be invited.
Why do either of you even have a relationship with these people? If his sisters are this vile, your FH needs to set boundaries with them and remove them from yours and his lives if they won’t stop. Honestly I think the wedding is the smallest concern here.
I think all y'all need to have a talk together and your FH needs to be the one taking the wheel. If he is willing it cut off his older sister then he knows how they can be. I know the conversation might make your anxiety level go up but it needs to happen or your going to keep having issue. If holding FH hand can keep you in a calming place then you hold his hand until the convo is over.
My brother and I don't get alone to well so, when we got engaged it was thought that he would be in the wedding, guess who was wrong. NOT US LOL but we had a talk and I let him know I don't want any tension or problems throughout my wedding planning and I still love him but we already had people in mind. Good Luck
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My fiancé older sister comes from a previous marriage. Her father got custody of her for unknown reasons. That man is a piece of work and should be in jail for child abuse. He mentally abused his daughter into thinking her mom did not want her and that she herself was the reason. Frankly both things are not true. My mother in law wanted her child more than anything and she had to live without all her kids together for at least 18 years. I’m not sure what caused the oldest to finally seek out her mother. I do know the abuse left lots of mental scars and it’s has caused issues between my fiancé and the older sister because she refuses to get help. I some what feel like the the youngest sister gets dragged into the oldest’s toxicity but does nothing to stop it even if she knows it’s wrong.
Cut all toxic people out of your wedding party, off the guest list and out of your lives. Have your fiancé support you.
Would it take some of the pressure off you if you moved them to his side of the wedding party? If they were groomspeople instead of bridesmaids, your fiancé's mom would still get to see them all together at the wedding, but you wouldn't need to contact them directly ahead of time and your fiancé would be able to shield you from most of their nonsense. I don't have this particular kind of family drama, but I do have ADHD, anxiety, etc. and I know it would make things a lot easier for me if I didn't have to talk to the people who were stressing me out the most, (especially when they're saying and doing things that don't match with each other).