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Sofia
Just Said Yes April 2021

Narcissistic Parents

Sofia, on January 25, 2021 at 12:51 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 10
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I am so torn.

I have been in two minds about my parent's attendance at my wedding for a year and a half now, and if it hadn't been for covid I would already be married and they wouldn't have been there and it would have all been fine.

My mother is a narcissist, my father, well, I'm pretty sure he is a narcissist too but his abuse is so different from my mothers that I feel unsure as to what to call it.

Before I got engaged I hadn't spoken to either of them for a whole year. It was nice, stress and drama-free, but I wasn't happy. My mother was constantly harassing me, trying to follow me on all my social media accounts, making new accounts with weird names whenever she realised I had blocked her. My dad, I think accepted the distance I had placed between us. I'm not sure if I was telling myself that I would be happier without them, but like a puppet, it felt as though there was still a bit of thread attached to me despite all the others I had cut.

When I got engaged it seemed like I had opened a door to them again. I felt excited to be speaking to my dad again, despite all the pain he had inflicted in my childhood. But I felt scared too. This is when the conflict really started to kick in. Do I? Don't I? Constantly going back and forth between wanting them at my wedding but also being horrified at the thought.

I finally decided that I didn't want them there.

Our wedding was booked for April 30th 2020 and as the days crept closer I felt more nervous. Am I doing the right thing? My grandma said that I was going to "regret making this decision because getting married only happens once and that they're /my parents/ but obviously, I should do what I feel is right in my heart."

Of course, Covid prevented the wedding from happening and so the day came and went just as fleetingly as snow falling in the south of England.

My fiance and I decided to move our date one year ahead (instead of cancelling it) thinking that covid would all be over by then.

Of course, covid is still a prevalent issue and our wedding date is in jeopardy once more.

April 29th 2021.

We're allowed two witnesses each.

My partner has his mother and grandmother, and I have my parents.

Yes, I decided to invite them. It feels like I've given in to them.

I asked my father. I felt excited about it.

I never asked my mother, not until last month, I asked when I went on a walk with them and she pretended not to hear me, I felt exasperated that she was ignoring me and that I now had to ask her again. She mocked surprise and said she would love to, and then proceeded to talk about my sister's wedding, an occasion that is yet to have a date because she wasn't even engaged then. My parents talked about her wedding dress, her shoes, her cake, and, of course, my mother was going to do her flowers because she studied floristry years ago.

I felt like I was being punished.

I am beyond exhausted, and so I think, is my fiance.

I don't know what to do! I have this constant battle going on inside me and am in constant turmoil about it.

It's my mother mainly, she's just so toxic and is always trying to one-up me as if everything is a competition.

I saw her last week, I didn't plan to. My sister invited me over to her flat to make a cake but she didn't have any ingredients and so, she called our mother to bring some things around.

It was unexpected and I thought I would be ok but I started to dissociate before she arrived and then felt so anxious the whole time. By the time our mother had left I felt utterly dejected. My sister said she was sorry, she hadn't realised how bad my mental health is when I'm around her. My sister hugged me and I cried. I went home shortly after and honestly don't remember much else about that day.

If she is to be at my wedding am I then not going to be present on my day?

I've always struggled with dissociation, anxiety and depression, but never know how to deal with it when I'm around my parents. My dissociation kicks in first so that everything feels spacey and not real. And then when I am finally alone my anxiety appears and then my depression. It makes me feel like a failure.

It's not at all how I envisioned my wedding day to be but at this point, I just want the day to be over with.

10 Comments

Latest activity by Jessica, on January 28, 2021 at 12:00 PM
  • Yasmine
    Rockstar October 2020
    Yasmine ·
    • Flag

    I'm so sorry that your are going through this, I personally wouldn't have my mother there if I were in your shoes. Especially if you don't think that she will respect the fact that it is YOUR DAY. It wouldn't even be a question for me. Do you really want to be worrying about what your mother will say/do on your wedding day? It seems like you wouldn't be able to be happy and that's what you deserve. I understand that she is your mother but you deserve to be happy on your wedding day.

    • Reply
  • Meghan
    Devoted September 2021
    Meghan ·
    • Flag
    This is a tough one because it does seem like you’re torn and don’t want you to think “what if” afterwards (with whichever decision you make). Have you thought about going to therapy? I think it may help you talk things through and come to a confident decision without feeling guilty.
    • Reply
  • Dj Tanner
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
    • Flag
    I think you really need to cut ties with the toxic relationships. You need to focus on your wedding and your new family with your spouse. My mother will not be attending because she is a very toxic person. At first I was very upset about this, however that feeling will go away and it will just be accepted. It’s a new start. It’s uncomfortable, but keeping this toxic relationships in your life only seem to be enhancing your mental issues.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Master October 2022
    Michelle Online ·
    • Flag
    Narcissists don't change for anyone. Both of my parents are like that and I haven't spoken to them in years and never been happier. If you want a stress free day, do not invite them. Cut that toxicity out of your life.
    • Reply
  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
    • Flag
    I'm so sorry, Love. Ppl armt that age are less likely to change.
    • Reply
  • Ally
    Dedicated June 2021
    Ally ·
    • Flag

    I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Personally, I would not want my mother at my wedding if she made me feel this way. I understand that you're battling with the "what if" feeling, but I think you will be happier if you don't have them there. You will likely be very stressed and anxious the entire day and you shouldn't have to feel that way on your day. If you decide to plan a reception/celebration at a later date, you could invite them to that if you wish. But this is a such an important and happy day for you and your partner. You shouldn't have to worry about how your parents will act or make you feel on YOUR wedding day! Best of luck to you. Smiley heart

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith Online ·
    • Flag
    Get married without the two of them, and give your marriage a chance. For whatever reason, even thinking of them puts your mind through a blender.
    You owe it to your new partner in life to start out strong, not scrambled, anxious, and incapable of getting through a day. Eliminate them. And drop any social media where Mom is an issue. She can only keep following you because you have put your life in a public forum. Close it, and take it down. Communicate directly with people you care about. The nether world of Social Media is unnecessary. Cut them loose, and really have a joyous wedding.
    • Reply
  • Rebecca
    Rockstar August 2019
    Rebecca ·
    • Flag

    My mother is a narcissist. She refused to come to our wedding because her name wasn't on the invitations. She made the rest of my family refuse to come, too.

    Guess what?

    IT WAS GLORIOUS AND WONDERFUL to not have her there. I was stress-free, no one twitted about my shoulders, or my hair, or whatever.

    I'm sorry. I know what toxic parents are like. Trust me when I say - you will be happier without them there. Ask your sister and a friend.

    • Reply
  • Viktoria
    Savvy August 2021
    Viktoria ·
    • Flag
    We have a similar situation so I feel for you. My mom is also awful and she’s helping pay so she’s extra awful. She put some deposits down before Covid and now that’s she keeps being awful I don’t even want her money and want to do it all myself so she can’t control me. But she already put money down so I’m like stuck. If I were you I would maybe invite her but set boundaries first. Send an email stating your boundaries and feelings. Think of it as a test. If her response is good- she should come. If her response is poor- probably best she doesn’t come. Good luck. Don’t let your mother steal your joy... don’t let her win!!!
    • Reply
  • J
    Savvy June 2021
    Jessica ·
    • Flag

    I am presently struggling with something similar to this- I know how hard it can be to put your foot down when it comes to narcissist parents. My suggestion- entertain the idea of seeking assistance from a mental health therapist. You still have a few months until your wedding. If you still decide to let your mother attend, at least you'll have some coping mechanisms that you'll be able to use so that you can *hopefully* enjoy your day.

    I didn't tell my parents about my husband for two years. They knew nothing of when we started dating or when we got engaged. And for those two years, and I went to counseling twice a week, learning how to remove myself from my narcissist mother's grasp. I can now say that the decision not to tell them was for the best. Hoping for the best for you Smiley heart.

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